Broken.

I'm really pissed off.

I don't know why you're always like this. I don't even know why you're so pissy about me working.

First of all,
there's nothing wrong with working at taste of edmonton.
'It's not a good job for you' oh really? then PLEASE, enlighten me. what IS a good job for me?
All i'm trying to do is earn a little extra money and you won't even let me do that, and you always complain that i don't work enough.
Then you fucking tell me that i don't know how to look for a job, which then leads you to say i don't know how to write a resume, then you go on to say
'you're a university student now and you don't even know how to think for yourself.'

EXCUSE ME?
Don't know how to think for myself?
do you even KNOW what the fuck i do in my life?

Do you think i'm just fucking around for jolly's sake?

Okay, fine, i can admit that i might not be going about the job hunting the right way.
Fine, i can admit that my resume isn't the world's finest.
But if you say that i can't think for my own fucking self,
then open your eyes.

You're too self absorbed to know me.
you don't even know your own fucking daughter.
You don't know how much i hate everything
You don't know how much i wish i could just disappear or how much i wish the world would disappear.
You don't know me.
You don't fucking know me.

You know when you yell at me?
you say i'm just arguing with you because i can.
no.
I filter out SO much of what i want to say.
So much that i've been dying to say for the past 10 years.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

Everyday
i want to just scream
because i hate it here so much
but you're my parents.
and i can't do that to you.
So i keep it in because i'd rather hurt myself than hurt you.

I know that you're just doing whatever you think is right for me.
But you never trust me.
You think i'm some stupid fool.
I'm sorry i'm not a genius.
I'm sorry i'm not the fucking daughter that you've always wanted.

The one who's the prettiest,
the smartest,
the cutest,
the most successful.

I'm sorry i'm not perfect.

I'm sorry that i always keep my damn mouth shut when you tell me all these things.
I'm sorry i never told you how much i hate it when you call me fat.
i'm sorry i never told you how much i wish i could die sometimes.
I'm sorry i never told you how much i hate you sometimes.
I'm sorry i never told you how conflicted i am between hating you as a person and loving you as my mother.

I'm sorry i'm not afraid of death.
I'm sorry i wish i had cancer.
I'm sorry that i wish i had some way out of this without me having to actively seek it.


I hate this so much.
Everytime you yell at me
There's so much i want to say, but i don't
because i know it will make things worse.
But then you misunderstand my silence for reluctant agreement
and then you assume you're right.

you're not.

and maybe i'm not either.

But this has honestly got to stop.

I'm human enough to admit that i make mistakes.
I'm human enough to admit that i can be wrong.

I'm humble enough to acknowledge the fact that you are my mother and you only want the best for me.


But are you human enough to acknowledge the fact that i am another human being capable of thoughts?


if you want whats best for me,
then you shouldn't just command it.

it's like trying to hold back a flood with wooden sticks.
everything will end up falling through.


if you wanted me to listen to you
you wouldn't criticize me at every turn.

You wouldn't constantly tell me that i'm overweight and say that no one could ever like a sloppy girl like me.
You wouldn't constantly tell me that i look terrible with my pimples.
You wouldn't tell me that i don't know how to fucking think for myself.


WELL GUESS WHAT.
NEWSFLASH.


I KNOW i'm fucking overweight, and i'm trying to do something about it. I don't need you to tell me that no one would ever like me because i have no self esteem already as it is.
I KNOW that i'm not the prettiest girl in the world with my pimples and i try to do something about it, but my skin just isn't the type to agree with me.
Okay fine. I can admit the fact that maybe it's because i lack in the daily habit of taking perfect care of my skin. But that doesn't mean that you should fucking tell me that i look ugly.
I KNOW that i don't make the smartest decisions. I'm only human. I'm not some wise genius who never makes mistakes.

But you know what?
Despite it all, i still try to love myself.

You keep pointing out all my flaws.
You make me feel like i'm the ugliest, dumbest person in the world.

IS A MOTHER SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?
TELL ME.
FUCKING TELL ME.
IS A MOTHER SUPPOSED TO MAKE HER DAUGHTER FEEL LIKE THE STUPIDEST, MOST UNLOVABLE PERSON IN THE WORLD?

no.
fucking no.

But despite it all,
i still try to love myself.

I tell myself that i can do it.
That if i try hard enough i can be pretty.
I tell myself that i can be smart.
i tell myself that someone can and will love me.

and guess what?
people do.

I'm not the prettiest.
I'm not the smartest.
But i'm lovable.

There are people in this world who love me for me.
Not for my appearance,
not for my intellect.
But for me.

You wonder why i didn't just ask for this day off?
it's true that no one else can work that day,
but kacey was the one who made this schedule.
She's been with me more than you ever have.
She's been there for me when i thought i would crumble.
She's been there through the thick and this and she's never left me once.

You've left me so many times.
Where were you when i was crying and had no friends?
Where were you when i needed support because i felt like my life was going down the drain?
Where were you when i cried myself to sleep?
Where were you when i wanted to kill myself?


you were never there.
She always was.

That's why i would do anything for her.

My friends mean the world to me and you don't understand that.
You don't understand how much i love my friends.
You don't understand that i can't help what i feel because i'm overly emotional.

It's just a family dinner. Heck, it's not even that. it's more like a house welcoming party.

i don't see why one day matters so much.
Whenever Patrick was working, you never said crap.

I don't know why you hate me working at taste of edmonton so much.

Honestly, i'm just so tired of everything.
You never answer my questions directly and it feels like i'm going in circles.
You always change the subject and just end up criticizing my faults.

Every day you put me down.
How do you expect me to feel?

How do you expect me to react?
am i supposed to go
'oh, i have to mold myself into the perfect daughter!' ???

No.
I don't know why you can't love me for me.
Am i that unlovable to you?

Maybe this is why i'm so distant from you.

My friends love me for who i am.
They see me as Trish, the girl who has an obsession with pandas and who loves to laugh and who cries with her friends when they're hurt.
They see me as a crazy, fun loving girl who is their rock when they need someone to lean on.
They see me as a girl who loves her friends more than anything in the world and who cries for them.
They see me as the chubby, cute little asian girl who stands up for what she thinks is right and doesn't care about what others think about her.



They see me for me.
and they love me for it.

So why can't you?

it's true i don't care what others think about me anymore.
I used to care so much.
I used to care because i thought if my own mother doesn't love me, then i have to make everyone else love me to prove that i am lovable.
it took me 4 years to get over that.


I'm comfortable with who i am now.
I know that i can't make everyone love me
and to anguish over the fact that some people hate me is only wasting my energy.
i can accept that other people hate me.
I can't change their minds.
I'll just keep being me, and stay true to myself because that's ultimately what matters in the end.
I have to love myself or no one will.

But you're not just anyone.
You're my own mother.
You matter in my life.
I care what you think.
So why is it that you're the one person who keeps hurting me?


I wonder when i'll be able to say all of this out loud.
I don't know how much longer i can keep it all inside.
I'm slowly dying.
Can't you see?

I know you mean well,
But you have to change the way you approach it.
Because all you're doing right now is causing the rift between us to grow more and more.

and maybe you don't know how to change it,
i can understand that.
but until you can admit that maybe you're not always right,
we can't do anything about this.

So i'll keep dying,
and you'll keep denying,
and it'll keep going,
until one of us dies.



I'm broken beyond repair.
Can't you see that?

Washed Out Fade Out.

I find myself wondering more and more how i can make that dream come true. Then i realize that it's only a dream and no matter what, it'll never happen.

It hurts when you realize you won't be the person you hope to be, and instead you're a plain, washed out everyday person whom the world won't even spare a passing glance at.

Soul.

Liatris.

I'm entrusting my soul to you.

Live my dreams for me, okay?

Good or Bad.

There's really nothing to blog about.
I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing...

Something.

There's something about you that just pisses me off.

Party!

I never thought yelling at a TV could be so much fun.
This is what happens when you mix a bunch of asians with a 2 vs 2 mario party mini game.