Thank You.

If i make it farther than you in the contest... i want to sing 'Who Knew' for you. Because you made me realize that there's nothing wrong with being me.

Thanks for being my friend.

How?

How could you let this happen to yourself?

Truth.

I'm a horrible person.

Understand.

No one will ever understand just how much i love music.

Ever.




Because no one knows what it's like to actually feel something after being empty for so long.

Pretend.

Did you know? i'm actually liking you less and less now. But i still pretend to be your friend.

Empty.

It's just one of those days where i feel even more empty inside than i usually do.

Screwed Over.

Dear Heart,

I thought we agreed that this was simply a passing crush?
Why are you trying to screw me over??


Not very happy,
Patricia's Mind.

Food!

I was actually really happy today when i was cooking and baking.

I was happy because i felt like i was being useful and that i was doing something for the people i actually care about.

I'm proud of myself.

Just Gotta Say.

Seeing Crazy G. Photography post a photo with my horribly misshapen panda rock made my day and made me smile :)

Relief.

I've thought about it.

And i've come to the conclusion that it is just a fleeting emotion.

It's not real.






Thank God.

S.O.L

I don't want to love again for a while, so stop smiling at me the way you are now.

Then again, maybe it is a fleeting crush.

For both our sakes i hope so.

Faker.

Every time i fake a smile,

my real one disappears a little more.

Selfish.

I constantly dream of leaving behind everyone in my life.
But just hearing someone say that sometime in the near future they will be leaving, makes me want to cry.

I'm okay with leaving,
but i'm not okay with being left.

I'm so selfish.

It's Only A Crush.

It has to be.

Tired.

I'm so tired of living. (Not suicidal, see the difference)

I wish there were breaks in life.

The People Whom Have made an Impact on My Life. AKA People Who affect me.

Here's the list i promised euphemia.

In no particular order (because i'd honestly rather not disclose it, many people would be upset):

Chris
Shevon
Linda
Euphemia
Ashley
Chobo
Melissa
Kacey
Sandra
Pamela
Jennifer H.
Emily
Christine L.
Fiona
Joanna

Yeah. Honestly, there's not a lot.
This is a list of people who i actually care about, more than others that is.
In other words, these are the people who i would cripple my own happiness for.
Some of them are pretty high up the list... some of them barely made it.
Regardless, i still have many more friends, but they just haven't impacted me as much.
I'm not who you think i am, but i want to thank you for trying to learn.

Random.

I hate it when friendships are easily broken.

If your friendship suddenly crumbles just because of one small obstacle, you were never friends to begin with.
Don't judge other people. Just because you don't like them on first glance doesn't mean you shouldn't give them a chance. Even though this is so hypocritical coming from me, it's still the right thing to do.

You said you were friends for 5 years, yet suddenly over 2 months, you don't even talk to each other or hang with each other. Just because one more person has entered the picture.

If you're friends with someone, you'll accept who they are; and that includes the people they choose to surround themselves with.

I've noticed that a lot of my friends are actually enemies.
Just my luck. Most of the first i've made either don't like another friend of mine or they dislike all of my friends.
That only makes it harder for me because then i have to divide my time between groups of friends.

It's like turning on a switch.
My personality suddenly changes just like that.

It's gone on for so long that i don't even remember what my original personality (around other people) was like anymore.

Did i used to be outgoing?
did i used to be nice?

Am i still those things?
Maybe i am, maybe i'm not.

I honestly don't know what people think of me.
I've tried so hard to convince myself that i don't care what other people think, but the truth is i do.

I don't let it get to me as much as i did when i was younger because i've realized that taking everything to heart and caring about other people's opinions will only make you depressed and i'm never going back to that time when all i could think about was 'okay, lets just get through the day without breaking down and attempting suicide and then it'll all be okay'.

I really wish i knew what others think of me, but the thing is, everyone always tells me the same thing: 'smart... strong... asian...'

That's not answering my question.
Why??
why do i seem that way? is there something about me?
Don't say 'you just have that aura/presence'.
Because that doesn't tell me anything.

Everyone tells me the same thing.
I can't help but think that you guys are lying when you say it, because you have this hesitation.

Maybe you just don't know me.
I'm not surprised, i didn't let you in to begin with.
But are you that unfamiliar with me that you have to resort to generalizations that you hear from other goddamn people?

I'm not smart. I never was, and never will be.
Sure i don't study, but that doesn't mean i'm a freaking genius.
I hate it when people expect me to be smart. Does it look like i'm Einstein?
I want to find an honest mirror. Someone who can tell me or show me who i really am.

The only reason i know who i am now is because of my self analyzing.
I wish i didn't have to do that, but unfortunately for me, if i don't play psychiatrist for myself, i'll eventually go off the deep end.

I've always wondered if my 'friends' really are my friends.
I consider them my friends, but what do they think of me?
i'll be honest.
Sometimes when i'm around my 'friends' i think to myself: 'my god, will you just leave already?'

Yes, that's right.
There are times when i just want to be with certain people.
but i don't say that.
instead i smile, put up and shut up.
I'm getting fucking tired of doing that.

But then again, it's not like i can do anything about it.
I am because i choose to be (recognize that motto anyone? if you can tell me who's family motto it is, i'll love you forever even though i don't really know how to love someone).

I used to want to cry and scream when i was upset.
I remember screaming into my pillow and crying for hours and then going to shower just so that my family wouldn't know i was crying.

My god.
I've long gone past that point.
I don't even feel like screaming or crying anymore because it's not worth a fuck.
It won't matter how much i cry, or how much i scream, no one's going to hear it anyways and even if they did, no one's going to help me because they don't know how.

I'm pretty sure they WANT to help me, but it's just they don't know how to make it better.

I know after reading all of that, that you probably think i'm a hypocrite.
I am.
But at the same time, i'm not.
Because i'm not writing this because i am depressed and wallow in self pity and because i refuse to let people help me.
I'm writing this because i've accepted it, i can live with it, and because no one in this world CAN help me even if they wanted to.

Everything i write here is with apathy.
I don't hurt from it anymore.
I've gotten used to the dull throbbing.

I'm writing this as a record of a person who wishes she could feel happiness again.

There was a brief moment that i thought myself as a psychopath, but then i realize that couldn't be true.
Psychopaths don't feel ANY emotion at all, even though they can understand it.
I still feel emotions.
I can feel sympathy, sorrow, and anger.
But not much other than that.
My feelings have been permanently dulled.

In a way i kind of like it...
because there are some moments where i don't feel anything at all, and i can actually appreciate that.
I can appreciate those few moments where everything is just so... calm.

Have i ever mentioned how much i love swimming in still water?
i love the look of the water...
how the crests rise and fall with every tiny movement.
it makes me feel as though i am gliding.

anyways, that's another topic for another blog.
For now though i must go back to homework, the very bane of my existence.

Belong.

Last night i had a dream.
I dreamt that i could escape into my dream world, but only if i concentrated hard enough, however as soon as someone would break my concentration, i wouldn't be able to do it.
I remember that in my dream, everyone around me wouldn't let me escape.
They tied me down to this world.
I can't remember the things that people said,
but out of my entire dream
i can only remember me saying this one line over and over again:



I don't belong here; let me go.

Automatic.

I've realized that the reason i can cry on demand so easily is not only because i can make my past painful memories seem so vivid,


but because i'm so used to just automatically reacting without feeling anything.

Just Thought You'd Like to Know.

About 80-90% of the things i say are lies. Be it a little white lie, or just a full out one.

Why?
Because i don't trust anyone enough to say the truth.

Bitter.

i want to help my friends with their problems.

I want them to get past the pain.

But the human part of me can't help but ask:






Why should i help them, when I had to suffer alone?

Nothing.

I don't feel anything right now.

But i constantly dream and daydream about being with someone.

They say that dreams are the mind of your subconsciousness and your true inner desires.

If that's true, then i must be lonely.

But i don't feel anything.

It's all empty.




And i like it that way.

Waiting.

It bothers me when i hear about people cutting themselves or anything of the sort.

I don't understand.
Why good does hurting yourself do?

I know that i used to be like that...
but i can't remember for the life of me why the hell i did it, because it sure as heck didn't solve anything.

By hurting yourself, you hurt those around you who actually do care.

I freaking care.
I may not always be there, i might not be your closest friend, but fuck it man, i care.

You don't have to go through everything alone you know.
People are there to listen; people are there to help.
Everyone always says 'well, if someone actually cared for me, i wouldn't be like this right now'.
Excuse me? open your eyes and take a look around you. We're all here for you, you've just been too blinded by your pain and irrationality to actually see it.

I'm not mad at the people for being so stupid as to even do something like this, because let's face it, we've all been there and done that. We can all understand what pushes us to go to such extremes.

But, i'm just frustrated that you didn't come to me earlier.
Do you not trust me?
Or maybe you just don't care enough about yourself to actually get help?
I want to help you.

I'm upset because you're upset.
I'm hurting because you're hurting.

You don't have to go through it alone you know.
I want to help you, but i need you to let me help you.

This blog isn't directed at only one person either.
I know lots of my friends cut.
And i have a sneaking suspicion that there are some who still haven't told me.
I can't do anything if you don't tell me what's wrong.

I can't fix something if i don't know it's broken.

When you hurt yourself, that's like saying: 'i don't care about what you've done to help me' to those who actually care and have made a difference in your life.

This depression is a stage in life that we all go through.
You just have to get past it. See the bigger picture; see past the pain.

I've past it already.

I'm just waiting for the rest of you now.

Make Believe.

It's one of those days

where the only reason i can keep going is because i can pretend that my dream is reality.

Dear Best Friend,

What would i ever do without you?

Thank you for making my day better again :)

and thank you for always listening even when i didn't ask for it,
and thank you for putting up with my random crap and always understanding me.

I'll see you at my wedding when you say 'it's okay, comforts you in a specific way of your choosing' XD

FML.

I've had enough.
Seriously.

Why don't you take your moping elsewhere?
Like really now, i don't care to read this stuff on your pm.
You can drag your sorry ass somewhere else and post that stuff.

I don't even know why i don't delete you off my contacts.
If i had followed my first instinct, you wouldn't even be a contact anymore, but it's just my luck that whenever i need information on band stuff, everyone else is always offline or doesn't know the answer.

FML.

Dark Fascination.

I meant to post this the other day, but i forgot about it until after i saw the music video 'lights out' by Rick Astley just now.

I remember on the way driving home, there was a block where all the lights had gone out.
It was completely dark...
and it fascinated me.
Everything was dark and it felt comforting in a way.
It was almost as if time froze.
The feeling you have when you look up in the sky and think about just how tiny and insignificant you really are, yet you know that you are still alive.

I wish that man kind had never discovered how to generate electricity.
First of all, that would be more eco-friendly, second of all, it's more...serene.
I love the darkness.
There's just something about it that pulls me in and comforts me when nothing and no one else can.
In the darkness, i can pretend that the troubles of the day have disappeared along with the light.
And after all my thoughts disappear into the dark, the sunrise seems more beautiful than ever.
To see that ray of light peak over the horizon, bathing the land in it's presence...
It is the embodiment of the word 'hope'.
If i could have any wish in the world... i would wish for me to be the person in my dreams. A person with the ability to change anything.
I would turn the lights out. I would destroy our technology.

I would reduce man kind back to the dark ages.

People need to learn to appreciate the small things in life.
When the light of the sun flickers out, so should the bustle of city life.

It's hard to describe exactly what it is i feel.
There really are no words for it, because it's just this sense of...peace within me.

Sure, getting rid of electricity would be incredibly inconvenient for us... but we've relied on it for too long now.
We've long forgotten how to do the most basic of things.
When was the last time you actually sat down to read a book instead of going online?
When was the last time that you did your own research instead of going to Wikipedia or Google?
We don't remember what it is to be human.
Technology is destroying what good is left in humans.
This is what i believe.

The only light we need in the dark is the light of the moon.
An ethereal glow that casts a silvery light upon the earth.
There was a reason that God created it that way.
everything is now electronic.
We no long write down things by hand to record them.
Our records are digital.

What happens if one day, all the computers in this world crash? and we have no backup?
That's hundreds of years gone right there.
Books however, last forever. Ink forever on a page.

I love the darkness.
Sometimes i just wish i could lose myself in it.
The darkness shadows everything that we do.
It follows us everywhere.
The one unchangeable thing in a constantly moving world.
That provides solace for me.

We're too caught up in our lives nowadays.
We don't stop to appreciate the small things in life.
Like the beauty of nature, or just the fact that we're alive

It's saddening that no one quite understands this.

Am i the only one who loves the darkness and the peace that it brings?

and i mean true darkness. Not the darkness in your room, but the darkness where there are no lights on - inside OR outside - and there's only the light from the moon.

One day
I will leave.

Leave behind the light
and reach out to the darkness.

Hope.

Today when i looked to the sky,
i felt a light feeling in my chest

It was only after that i realized what that emotion was

Hope.

Long Gone.

This is ridiculous.

You're not even real.
You don't even have a name, much less a face.
Everything you are is just a figment of my imagination.
You are someone i created
in the deep recesses of my mind.

But if all this is true...
How is it that my heart calls for you so?

It's gotten to the point
where i wish
that someday when i go to sleep
that i never wake up,

Because if i continue dreaming,
then i can convince myself that you are real
and not just another person created by my mind.

Whoever is reading this can lay judgement on me.
I care not what you think
because honestly,
I've long given up hope.

I Miss You.

How can i miss something to the point of tears that was never real to begin with?

I think maybe this is the first warning that i may have stepped too far over the boundary of reality and fantasy this time.

Lie No More.

I won't lie.

Sometimes i wonder:
if i die, will i be able to go to my dream world?
or
if i'm in a coma, can i go to that one place i've always wanted?

I will never do such a thing though.
But the temptation grows with every passing day.

And at this rate,

One day it's going to take over and bring down all those resolutions i've tried so hard to keep.