I cried.

I Don't Know Anymore.

Fuck this.

I don't think i can stand it anymore.




I want to sit in a dark room and just stare at the wall.



I want to cry.


And i want you to make it better.



I hate feeling like this.






P.S. Feel better.

Anger.

You know.
I'm starting to really hate you.

I probably don't mean this.
And i'll probably regret ever saying this.
But seriously.
Sometimes i wish you were never my mother.
And more often than naught,
i wish that you could just disappear.

Don't.

Don't give me hope. i don't think my heart could take it.

It's funny.
because i remember when i first saw you i thought to myself:
'he's kinda awkward looking...'
and i shrugged it off, because who was i to judge when i'm not so hot myself?
then i got to know you a little better,
not by much,
but just a little bit.
Then after a while i found myself smiling more around you without having to try.

I actually told myself early on when i realized i kinda liked you that things probably wouldn't work out.
and i'm hoping i'm just reading into it too much right now,
but every time i wonder about what my answer would be if you actually asked,
it's turning out to be 'yes' more and more.
Haha. I'm so confused.
Because being with you would cause so much trouble,
and there's just so much standing between us.

But i want to risk it all.

I know if we do actually go out
that it probably won't last very long.
But i think i'm willing to risk it all
for being happy for just a little while.

It's strange.
Because you're pretty much nothing like the guys i usually like.
and the age gap... well, lets not go there. (it's not that bad... but still. awkward.)
Yet, it doesn't really matter to me after i think about it.

I just hope that i'm reading too much into it.
Because i know that if nothing happens,
these things will just blow by.

Please don't give me hope.
Even though i want it,
please don't.

Music.

I've resorted back to finding solace in my music.

It's sad to say that i live more in my fantasy world than i do in reality.
Do you know that every moment in my life that i'm not talking, i am dreaming?
I'm dreaming because i've gone past my limit and where i'd rather live a lie and delude myself then acknowledge the truth even though deep down, i know it.

I think that's one of the reasons why i like music so much.
Because every song has an emotion tied to it, and from that emotion, you can dream up so many different realities.
Music is a medium for me and my fantasy world.

I'm hoping that one day i will be able to make my dreams a reality.
And if that's impossible,
then i hope that one day i will be able to play the music that allows others to escape their pain for only a little while and find their own solace.

Worth.

It's reasons like this why i prefer to be alone.

Because even though you are one of the closest people to me,
you just proved to me that i'm not trusted.

You just proved that i wasn't worth it.

And that hurts.

I know it shouldn't bother me, because worrying about this stuff is useless.
But it does bother me.
Even though i like and prefer being alone,
doesn't mean that i never feel unhappy when i'm alone.

Because i'm only human as well.