I know that this probably isn't fair of me,
and that i'm probably being really cruel...
but honestly
i'm getting really irritated with you.
Like... honest to god,
i am starting to get irritated.
I don't know why either.
It's just...
stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Maybe it's just who i am and how see things,
but when i was in your place, i picked myself up off the ground and told myself to put one foot ahead of the other.
And i got past that hill.
But you're not doing that.
You're just standing still waiting for someone to come push you along.
you can't rely on people in this world.
It's a free for all.
it's either you do it for yourself, or you get left behind.
You're progressively getting worse and worse,
and you always talk about it
But you never fucking do anything about it.
You say you want to get better...
but i'm starting to think that's a lie.
This is YOUR life.
You are in charge of your life.
If you can't change things that ARE possible to change,
then you're just not trying hard enough.
You're subconsciously hoping that someone will notice you and come help you.
I don't want to be the one to say this, but since no one else is telling you, i guess i have to:
No one will help pick you up.
It's not that they don't want to,
but in the end
it all boils down to yourself.
We can help you along by showing you the right way
but if you're not willing to put in the effort to change
then we can't do anything more.
I know problems like these aren't easily solved,
they don't go away overnight.
I know.
I've been there.
But if you don't start, you're never going to finish.
So instead of spending time wallowing in self pity and waiting and wanting someone to care,
do it yourself.
You are strong enough.
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Life isn't fair.
Time won't stand still for you.
You've already lost so much time,
so it's about time you picked up the pace.
Baby steps.
Don't do it all at once, because it's overwhelming.
There are still some days where i fall back into my old habits
and where my thoughts are so negative sometimes, it's a wonder that i haven't completely lashed out yet.
But i get over it,
because i tell myself:
Tomorrow will be better.
And if tomorrow isn't better?
well, then i guess yesterday wasn't so bad.
Time will keep going regardless of what happens.
That's what keeps me going.
Because i know time won't stop flowing
and no matter how much i don't want it to come,
the sun will rise again.
So instead of spending all your energy on negative emotions
accept it.
Feel bad for a bit,
then stand up and let everything fall away behind you
and take that step forward.
That's all i have to say to you.
I don't know how else to help you.
Because i honestly can't.
I'm not good with this kind of stuff,
i don't talk to people about these things.
But i can write it down, and hope that you see it.
Only you can help yourself.
If this hasn't motivated you to do something,
then i don't know what will.
Don't say 'i can't'
Don't say 'it's too hard'
Don't say 'i don't know how'
Tell yourself 'i can.'
Tell yourself 'If it's too hard now, then i have to try harder'
Tell yourself 'i will figure it out'
No one likes seeing a friend in depression.
But only you can get yourself out of that hole,
because you were the one who allowed yourself to dig it in the first place.
You control your own happiness.
So isn't it about time you reined it in?
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Note to Self.
You know what the end of the road has in store for you.
If you don't want to be sorely disappointed, turn back now.
If you don't want to be sorely disappointed, turn back now.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Phobia.
What is it that we fear?
Different people have different phobias. Some may fear spiders, some fear snakes, and some may even fear water, but regardless of what it is that we fear, the feeling of being terrified is something that everyone in this world knows.
Today when i was out to dinner with my parents, i realized what it was that I truly feared.
There was a news article in a chinese magazine (actually, it was in pretty much almost every chinese magazine in the restaraunt) about some guy hijacking a bus in malaysia or something.
He was upset that he had lost his job and so he took a gun onto a tourist bus and demanded his job back. He actually wasn't really violent. But the story ends with almost everybody on that bus dead. On that bus was a family of 5, they were taking a vacation. Only 2 of them survived.
It wasn't the man who shot them. But instead, it was the police.
They were only the local police and did not know how to handle such extreme situations and when the man demanded his job back, they kept saying no.
Eventually, the guy shot one passenger. The negotiations kept going (if you can even call it negotiations, because the police simply kept saying 'no') and after a while, the police became frustrated.
Someone gave the order, and then they began open fire on the bus.
Shooting at random.
At innocent civilians.
Most of them died.
When my parents told me this i honestly felt like crying so badly.
The picture of the lady in that family of 5 who survived... she was so grief stricken.
If you could see pure agony, it would've been her expression.
In another magazine, they had simulated photos of how the bullet killed the passengers and where the bullet went through.
Underneath the pictures, they had the age of the person who was shot that way.
The youngest person was 14 years old.
I have never wanted to scream so much before in my life.
another person was 58 years old.
The 14 year old was shot twice, once through her left breast, and another time just underneath her right arm.
Another 29 year old lady was shot in the head.
One other passenger was shot in the head (both of them in the brain part).
One man was shot in such a way that the bullet passed through his head, and out his lower jaw.
The worst part about it?
The police had used an automatic.
The police had used a fucking automatic, shooting randomly at a bus full of innocent people.
Shit.
Does nothing matter in this world anymore?
Do lives not matter?
Are we humans so completely and utterly HEARTLESS as to KILL innocent people just because we are FRUSTRATED?
What ever happened to a conscience?
What ever happened to lives actually being worth something?
I was so sick after hearing this story i didn't even want to eat.
And considering this is me, that's quite a feat.
I felt like puking everything back up.
Those people didn't deserve to die.
They were a family. On holiday.
One of the girls that died was a visa student.
In other words an international exchange student.
She's dead now.
I have friends that are visa students.
Even imagining them in that situations makes me want to scream and cry until i don't feel anything anymore.
I'm not scared of dying, or pain, or sadness, or even being alone,
I'm scared of watching someone else get hurt.
I realized this when i saw the simulated pictures of how the people got shot.
When i first heard the story, i was sad.
But when i saw the pictures, i was sick and terrified.
I don't want to watch someone get hurt... or even HOW they got hurt.
Regardless whether i know the person or not...
just watching a person - someone who potentially has a family... a mother... a father, a sister, brother, daughter or son - being hurt makes me want to curl up into a ball and scream.
Even when my best friend got hit by a car 2 weeks ago...
In a way i'm glad i wasn't there, because i know that if i had seen it, i would probably never be in the same state of mind ever again.
yet at the same time, i wish i WAS there, so that i could've at least done something.
I'm truly and honestly really terrified at watching someone else get hurt... or worse, die.
I think... that if i were to see someone die right before my very eyes, i wouldn't even be as happy as i am on a daily basis.
I'd rather die myself than watch someone else die.
If i have the power to save someone, i want to save them.
I don't want anyone else to get hurt.
I don't want people to be sad.
If i can take the pain for them, i would gladly do so. If i can exchange my life for theirs, i'd gladly trade.
I just don't want to see anyone hurt.
I'm so scared. I really am.
I know this is probably an incredibly weird phobia but it really does scare me so much.
Even thinking about it makes me teary and want to curl up into a ball.
Heh.
Who would've guessed?
People fear actual, solid objects.
I fear seeing someone being hurt or killed.
Different people have different phobias. Some may fear spiders, some fear snakes, and some may even fear water, but regardless of what it is that we fear, the feeling of being terrified is something that everyone in this world knows.
Today when i was out to dinner with my parents, i realized what it was that I truly feared.
There was a news article in a chinese magazine (actually, it was in pretty much almost every chinese magazine in the restaraunt) about some guy hijacking a bus in malaysia or something.
He was upset that he had lost his job and so he took a gun onto a tourist bus and demanded his job back. He actually wasn't really violent. But the story ends with almost everybody on that bus dead. On that bus was a family of 5, they were taking a vacation. Only 2 of them survived.
It wasn't the man who shot them. But instead, it was the police.
They were only the local police and did not know how to handle such extreme situations and when the man demanded his job back, they kept saying no.
Eventually, the guy shot one passenger. The negotiations kept going (if you can even call it negotiations, because the police simply kept saying 'no') and after a while, the police became frustrated.
Someone gave the order, and then they began open fire on the bus.
Shooting at random.
At innocent civilians.
Most of them died.
When my parents told me this i honestly felt like crying so badly.
The picture of the lady in that family of 5 who survived... she was so grief stricken.
If you could see pure agony, it would've been her expression.
In another magazine, they had simulated photos of how the bullet killed the passengers and where the bullet went through.
Underneath the pictures, they had the age of the person who was shot that way.
The youngest person was 14 years old.
I have never wanted to scream so much before in my life.
another person was 58 years old.
The 14 year old was shot twice, once through her left breast, and another time just underneath her right arm.
Another 29 year old lady was shot in the head.
One other passenger was shot in the head (both of them in the brain part).
One man was shot in such a way that the bullet passed through his head, and out his lower jaw.
The worst part about it?
The police had used an automatic.
The police had used a fucking automatic, shooting randomly at a bus full of innocent people.
Shit.
Does nothing matter in this world anymore?
Do lives not matter?
Are we humans so completely and utterly HEARTLESS as to KILL innocent people just because we are FRUSTRATED?
What ever happened to a conscience?
What ever happened to lives actually being worth something?
I was so sick after hearing this story i didn't even want to eat.
And considering this is me, that's quite a feat.
I felt like puking everything back up.
Those people didn't deserve to die.
They were a family. On holiday.
One of the girls that died was a visa student.
In other words an international exchange student.
She's dead now.
I have friends that are visa students.
Even imagining them in that situations makes me want to scream and cry until i don't feel anything anymore.
I'm not scared of dying, or pain, or sadness, or even being alone,
I'm scared of watching someone else get hurt.
I realized this when i saw the simulated pictures of how the people got shot.
When i first heard the story, i was sad.
But when i saw the pictures, i was sick and terrified.
I don't want to watch someone get hurt... or even HOW they got hurt.
Regardless whether i know the person or not...
just watching a person - someone who potentially has a family... a mother... a father, a sister, brother, daughter or son - being hurt makes me want to curl up into a ball and scream.
Even when my best friend got hit by a car 2 weeks ago...
In a way i'm glad i wasn't there, because i know that if i had seen it, i would probably never be in the same state of mind ever again.
yet at the same time, i wish i WAS there, so that i could've at least done something.
I'm truly and honestly really terrified at watching someone else get hurt... or worse, die.
I think... that if i were to see someone die right before my very eyes, i wouldn't even be as happy as i am on a daily basis.
I'd rather die myself than watch someone else die.
If i have the power to save someone, i want to save them.
I don't want anyone else to get hurt.
I don't want people to be sad.
If i can take the pain for them, i would gladly do so. If i can exchange my life for theirs, i'd gladly trade.
I just don't want to see anyone hurt.
I'm so scared. I really am.
I know this is probably an incredibly weird phobia but it really does scare me so much.
Even thinking about it makes me teary and want to curl up into a ball.
Heh.
Who would've guessed?
People fear actual, solid objects.
I fear seeing someone being hurt or killed.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Grateful.
Is it wrong?
Is it wrong for me to loathe the hand that i've been dealt in life?
To reject the path that i have been set upon, to wish that it weren't so?
It is not that i hate my life and think that it is overly depressing,
but rather, i wish that i were not so fortunate.
The fact that i take many of my daily things for granted makes me feel so ashamed of myself.
Compared to my friends, i am spoiled rotten.
I have my every whim indulged,
I have never faced a traumatic experience,
I have never been in a hospital,
I have never lost anyone that is dearly close to me.
Yet many people i know have.
And they continue to walk their road with their heads held high.
They don't take anything for granted.
They appreciate what they have and they realize how lucky they are to have it.
It is their experience that has shaped them to become such a character.
I hate myself for wanting more.
I hate myself for being greedy and selfish.
I think i may be the only person in this world who wishes pain upon themselves.
Because maybe if i know true pain,
then i will be able to reflect back on my life and think to myself:
'I am grateful for everything.'
Is it wrong for me to loathe the hand that i've been dealt in life?
To reject the path that i have been set upon, to wish that it weren't so?
It is not that i hate my life and think that it is overly depressing,
but rather, i wish that i were not so fortunate.
The fact that i take many of my daily things for granted makes me feel so ashamed of myself.
Compared to my friends, i am spoiled rotten.
I have my every whim indulged,
I have never faced a traumatic experience,
I have never been in a hospital,
I have never lost anyone that is dearly close to me.
Yet many people i know have.
And they continue to walk their road with their heads held high.
They don't take anything for granted.
They appreciate what they have and they realize how lucky they are to have it.
It is their experience that has shaped them to become such a character.
I hate myself for wanting more.
I hate myself for being greedy and selfish.
I think i may be the only person in this world who wishes pain upon themselves.
Because maybe if i know true pain,
then i will be able to reflect back on my life and think to myself:
'I am grateful for everything.'
Desire.
"It's what we all want, in the end,
to be held, merely to be held,
to be kissed (not necessarily with the lips,
for every touching is a kind of kiss).
Yes, it's what we all want, in the end,
not to be worshipped, not to be admired,
not to be famous, not to be feared,
not even to be loved, but simply to be held."
- 'He Sits Down On The Floor Of A School For The Retarded' by Alden Nowlan
to be held, merely to be held,
to be kissed (not necessarily with the lips,
for every touching is a kind of kiss).
Yes, it's what we all want, in the end,
not to be worshipped, not to be admired,
not to be famous, not to be feared,
not even to be loved, but simply to be held."
- 'He Sits Down On The Floor Of A School For The Retarded' by Alden Nowlan
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Strong.
It bothers me that people aren't strong enough to move on with their life no matter how bad things get. If you can't find the strength to stand up, then eventually people will stop lending you a hand.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Understand.
I know how much pain you're in.
For the past few months you've been all alone with no one there to help you.
I know it's hard to believe, but i actually honestly do care.
It's difficult for me to show it... because that is simply not my nature.
I read your blog everyday you know.
It makes me so sad to see you so unhappy yet i don't do anything because i honestly don't know what there is i CAN do.
I asked you if i could write a story about you,
I'm writing it right now.
When i'm done, i want you to read it,
because maybe then you can understand what i cannot express through actions and words.
For the past few months you've been all alone with no one there to help you.
I know it's hard to believe, but i actually honestly do care.
It's difficult for me to show it... because that is simply not my nature.
I read your blog everyday you know.
It makes me so sad to see you so unhappy yet i don't do anything because i honestly don't know what there is i CAN do.
I asked you if i could write a story about you,
I'm writing it right now.
When i'm done, i want you to read it,
because maybe then you can understand what i cannot express through actions and words.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Cry.
I'm sorry that i don't express my emotions very well.
But you really have no idea how scared i was.
I was this close to losing my best friend.
I almost lost the person who stuck with me longer than anyone else i've ever known; who has been there through the thick and thin; who has seen me at my worst and still decided that i was worth being friends with.
I know i sounded really angry just a while ago on the phone,
but i don't know how else to express myself.
I cried 6 hours for you today, and i'm still crying.
Please don't make me cry this much again.
But you really have no idea how scared i was.
I was this close to losing my best friend.
I almost lost the person who stuck with me longer than anyone else i've ever known; who has been there through the thick and thin; who has seen me at my worst and still decided that i was worth being friends with.
I know i sounded really angry just a while ago on the phone,
but i don't know how else to express myself.
I cried 6 hours for you today, and i'm still crying.
Please don't make me cry this much again.
Dear BFF.
Get well soon.
I really, really miss you.
I'm sorry i wasn't there to help you.
I'm sorry that it had to happen to you.
I'm going to try and visit you tmrw.
Don't worry about school stuff, i'll take care of it.
Get well soon, please...
I really, really miss you.
I'm sorry i wasn't there to help you.
I'm sorry that it had to happen to you.
I'm going to try and visit you tmrw.
Don't worry about school stuff, i'll take care of it.
Get well soon, please...
Dear Chocobo.
I'm sorry.
I've brought up unpleasant memories for you.
You're hurting inside. I can tell.
I'm sorry.
I've brought up unpleasant memories for you.
You're hurting inside. I can tell.
I'm sorry.
Faith.
Dear God,
Fuck you.
If you hate her enough to put her through more than she's already gone through already,
then i'd rather you'd hate me too.
I'm on a one way trip to hell anyways.
I've long lost faith in you.
Fuck you.
If you hate her enough to put her through more than she's already gone through already,
then i'd rather you'd hate me too.
I'm on a one way trip to hell anyways.
I've long lost faith in you.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Please.
Please don't cry.
I might not know just how much you are hurting,
or why you are hurting the way you are,
but i do know that you are my precious friend
and a soul as beautiful as yours does not deserve to feel sadness.
Please stop crying okay?
I'll be here.
I might not know just how much you are hurting,
or why you are hurting the way you are,
but i do know that you are my precious friend
and a soul as beautiful as yours does not deserve to feel sadness.
Please stop crying okay?
I'll be here.
Sadness.
Yesterday, there was this man on the bus.
He had had some things to drink and he was out of it to say in the least.
He told the bus driver that he had Parkinson's disease and that he did indeed have a few beers.
Everyone thought he was drunk because he couldn't sit straight in his chair and kept falling over. I went to help him and hold him up for a while on the bus ride.
I don't really know whether he was drunk or not.
But seeing him made me so sad. I felt like crying for him because clearly, he wasn't able to anymore.
When he talked, he sounded so spent and exhausted, like he had just given up on fighting the world back. He sounded like a man who had been chosen to shoulder such a heavy burden that after a while, it just didn't seem worth shouldering anymore.
He sounded so sad.
I could smell the alcohol on his breath. Don't get me wrong, it's hard not to smell it when you're trying to hold the guy up straight because no one else on the damn bus gave a crap.
His words were slurred too, but he was coherent and understood everything that we said. Which makes me mad because people started talking about him out loud saying that he should've known better not to drink when he has a known medical condition.
When i looked at him, i saw someone who was so sad that it was incomprehensible.
He could have been drunk. Maybe. Maybe not.
But that doesn't really change anything does it?
When people become drunk, they let their inner emotions come out.
They act impulsively on how they feel because their emotions are amplified 10 times.
That's why i don't know if he really was drunk or not.
Because i think that if i were him, i would've tried to drink away my sorrows too.
I hope he doesn't have to suffer much longer.
To that man on the bus,
Yesterday when i was alone, i cried for you because you couldn't cry.
Smile again, please. Because everyone deserves to be happy.
He had had some things to drink and he was out of it to say in the least.
He told the bus driver that he had Parkinson's disease and that he did indeed have a few beers.
Everyone thought he was drunk because he couldn't sit straight in his chair and kept falling over. I went to help him and hold him up for a while on the bus ride.
I don't really know whether he was drunk or not.
But seeing him made me so sad. I felt like crying for him because clearly, he wasn't able to anymore.
When he talked, he sounded so spent and exhausted, like he had just given up on fighting the world back. He sounded like a man who had been chosen to shoulder such a heavy burden that after a while, it just didn't seem worth shouldering anymore.
He sounded so sad.
I could smell the alcohol on his breath. Don't get me wrong, it's hard not to smell it when you're trying to hold the guy up straight because no one else on the damn bus gave a crap.
His words were slurred too, but he was coherent and understood everything that we said. Which makes me mad because people started talking about him out loud saying that he should've known better not to drink when he has a known medical condition.
When i looked at him, i saw someone who was so sad that it was incomprehensible.
He could have been drunk. Maybe. Maybe not.
But that doesn't really change anything does it?
When people become drunk, they let their inner emotions come out.
They act impulsively on how they feel because their emotions are amplified 10 times.
That's why i don't know if he really was drunk or not.
Because i think that if i were him, i would've tried to drink away my sorrows too.
I hope he doesn't have to suffer much longer.
To that man on the bus,
Yesterday when i was alone, i cried for you because you couldn't cry.
Smile again, please. Because everyone deserves to be happy.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Hate.
I honestly hate it when people tell me that i'm good at something.
When someone tells me i'm good at something, i feel proud, but then i take a look at the world and there are millions of other people my age who are ten times better than i am... and that just deflates me like you wouldn't believe.
I'm pathetic.
When someone tells me i'm good at something, i feel proud, but then i take a look at the world and there are millions of other people my age who are ten times better than i am... and that just deflates me like you wouldn't believe.
I'm pathetic.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)