Slip Away.

It's slipping away.
I don't think it'll ever come back.
Why?




Why can't i dream like i used to?

Growing Up.

It's so strange having nothing to do.

It's even stranger thinking that i'm officially done high school, and i'll probably never go back unless i'm visiting whaley.

Where did all the time go?
When did i grow up?
DID i even grow up?



...doubt it.

So close.

Look,

it's what you've always wanted,

but always out of reach.

To Myself.

I've decided to keep my dreams to myself a little while longer.

Book of Dreams.

I think...
I will start writing a book.

Not just any book,


But a book of my dreams.

That's Life, I Guess.

I spoke to a friend today
about his problems
about being accepted,
about knowing who you are and what you want,
about the future.

I learned a lot in that conversation.
I learned things about me that I've only ever briefly thought about before.
Or rather, it's not that i learned something new,
it's more like the action of verbalizing it made it more concrete.

It's true.
I like being alone better than I like having company around.
I like sitting alone in a room with my own thoughts and in my own little world.

I'm a dreamer.
I have no grip on reality whatsoever.
Sometimes i wonder if i'll just drift away one day,
never to come back.
I live in my dream world more than i live in reality.


It's really not healthy.
I'm too attached to this make-believe world that I've created from the depths of my mind.

I need to ground myself with something or someone.
I can't keep staring off into the distance
and let this dreamer in me grow bigger and bigger everyday.

I'm so scared that one day,
I won't be here anymore.
Mentally.

Have you ever made yourself believe in something so strongly
that it made you cry?
even when you knew
that it wasn't true,
and that it was you, yourself that was making it up?



I have.


I have the power to make myself believe anything i want.
I can make my dreams become so real, that they feel almost nostalgic sometimes.



I guess
that's why i like being alone.
Because when i'm alone, i can believe what i want without feeling guilty.
I can make myself believe that no one will miss me.
I can make myself believe that i'm surrounded by the forests and plains in my dreams.
I can make myself believe that i'm seeing a world untouched by industry and civilization.



I would do anything to make my dreams real.
I would give anything to fly, to be able to run in a field of ever green and flowers.
I would give anything.


I would give anything to be able to laugh and smile like i do in my dreams.
I would give anything to make those dream people real.


It's so beautiful.
But i am not naive.

My dreams still have hurt, and pain, and sadness.
There is no happiness without sorrow.


For it is through pain, hurt, sadness, and sorrow, that we learn kindness, compassion, love, and joy.


I wonder if there is a place after death.

We talked about that too.

About death.


I am not afraid of death.
I am not afraid to let it claim me when the time comes.

But i am afraid of watching death claim someone else.
Someone i love.

I'd rather die than let someone i love die.
I'm not a martyr.

It's just that i'm not afraid to die and let someone else who actually wants to live, live.
I'd rather give up my own life for someone else who doesn't want to die yet.
Because i all honestly,
if i was dying, i wouldn't bother trying to save myself.

I'm not suicidal.
I'm just simply not afraid of the darkness.
I like the darkness.

The only reason i would be reluctant to die,
would be because of the pain i would cause people,
if any pain at all.

Death is a part of life isn't it?
We're all going to die in the end...
Does it really matter when?

Those who don't accept death will find it harder and more painful to pass on than those who have.
If i knew i was going to die, i would not spend days crying over it.
I would cry once, and be done with it.

Because even if i have accepted death,
leaving behind people you care about is never easy.

Perhaps i am immature.
Perhaps i think i am mature by saying all this.
Perhaps i am immature because i don't fully understand what death really is.


I don't know.


But i'll never know until i face it right?
Haha, by then i guess, it will be too late.
Doesn't it suck?
That one moment of utter clarity where we actually finally accept everything, and understand everything...
comes right before we leave the one place where it matters.

How ironic.

But that's life i guess.

Preference.

I'm glad to be leaving everything behind.
To be honest i really didn't like it.
There were some good times, don't get me wrong...


But i think in the end,


i just prefer being alone so much more.

No Heart.

It was just a fling.
Only a rebound.
Haha. That's right, i said it.
I knew it, but i never said it.
Because in fear of saying it, i would break my fragile, little heart.

But i didn't,
because i discovered
that i had no heart.

Love.

It was sort of odd really...

Last night i had this fleeting feeling of holding a baby in my arms.

And for some reason, it seemed really nostalgic.
Like i'd done it before.
Like it was the most natural thing in the world.


I actually sat there for quite a long time trying to remember if i actually HAD done something like that before.

I don't mean just holding a baby, because clearly i've done that several times,
but
actually openly expressing my love for a baby

I don't openly express my affections for babies with other people around
i'm just not comfortable with it,
but i've always loved them so much
I've always had this paternal instinct


But it was weird.
Just...
for a moment i could FEEL the softness of the baby's skin.

and i actually felt love

I don't know why i suddenly felt like that.

Maybe i was hallucinating.


But either this is a memory that i can't remember...
or my dreams are becoming too real.

Empty.

I'm so tired.
Being emotionless is so tiring.

It takes up so much energy to not feel anything. But it's not like i know any other way to cope.

Whenever i don't know how to deal with something, or if i'm hurt by something... i turn off all my emotions.

I just stop feeling.
and it saves me the pain,
but at the same time
It makes me so tired.


Tired of everything.
The desire to just go to sleep and never wake up is incredible.


Some people cry,
Some people scream.

I just turn everything off and become a empty shell.