Disappear.

I've never wanted to run away so badly in my life before.





I wish everyone and everything would just disappear.

Cry.

You know what.
Like fucking honestly.

First of all, let me get it through your fucking ego bubble that this isn't all about YOU.
YOU'RE not always right.
Just because we don't argue back doesn't mean you're right.
It just means we're fucking tired of listening to you bitch all the time.

You think you know everything.
You really don't.
And when you KNOW you're wrong
you just suddenly change your point and pretend that you were arguing the right thing all along.

I'm so frustrated.
I haven't cried like that in so long.
I felt like screaming until i couldn't scream anymore.
But instead all i could do was fucking cry in the shower for half and hour before coming out and having to pretend like everything was FUCKING okay when it FUCKING wasn't.

And you know what the saddest part is?

I hate myself for hating you.
I feel like i'm an ingrateful daughter
who never listens to her mother.
I feel like i'm selfish.
I feel like i'm ugly.
I feel like i'm not good enough and never will be.

I'm sorry i'm not perfect.

And here's the kicker:

I feel like shit because i know you're probably hurting more than i am.

You've had a worse life than me.
You've had to put up with so much shit. (ie. me for 17 years)
You've had such a terrible life,
and i'm only making it worse.


I hate myself for hating you.
But
you have to understand,
life doesn't go the exactly how you think it does.
You're not always right.
You have to accept that you, too, can make mistakes.

You can't always blame us for things that go wrong.
You can't always blame us when what you predicted isn't right.
You can't always blame us for things we can't control.


Honestly...
I cried so much,
Because i hate myself.
I cried so much,
because i really do love you.
I cried so much,
because i can't change who i am.

I'm crying because you've done so much for me and i'm so ungrateful.
I'm crying because you always do so much for me and i never acknowledge it aloud.
I'm crying because i'm a terrible daughter.

I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.







So in the end,
i'm going to keep crying for the rest of my life.

Sorry.

Sigh.

I don't even want to blog about this stuff anymore, because it's all just a vicious, never ending circle.


I'm sorry i couldn't do more for you.

I'm honestly just in a terrible mood today.

Trust.

Hahahaha...


I've just realized...





I actually still don't completely trust you...












I'm sorry.

P.S

btw kacey, i think my chinese is getting infinitely better just by trying to read your blog LOLOLOL.

Who I Am.

It's ridiculous what we've all become.

I should know better than most people what time does.



And yet why am i sitting here asking the question 'Why can't we all go back to how it used to be?'

It's not that i'm incapable of moving on.
It's just i don't want to move on and leave everyone behind.

You're not the friends you used to be.
You're not the people who i thought were real.

I guess in the end it all boils down to this, huh?
Time has changed you all.
You're so concerned about status.
You're so concerned about what people think of you.
You're trying to hard to be somebody.



I'm sorry, but those things just don't matter to me.
I've overcome all that.
I'm happy with who i am, not who i try to be.



I hope that someday, you will be too.

Excitement. Terror.

I'm kind of scared.

Well, more than kind of.

I am honestly really terrified.
But i guess i'm terrified in a good way.

My mind wanders way more than i should let it. Most of the time you see me, i'm usually day dreaming about random things. And sometimes, i don't day dream about good things.

I'm scared because today i just randomly ran through a 'what if' scenario in my head.
That 'what if' was 'what if i lost you'.

And the fact that i nearly brought myself to tears just thinking briefly about it means quite a bit.

I don't think you honestly know how much you mean to me. The sad thing is, i don't know either.

You could probably say the exact same for me, and maybe it is true, but i just really really need to say this.

It's scary how much you mean to me. It's scary how much the loss of one person can cripple me. Or even the thought of it bring me to tears. It's honestly terrifying. But at the same time... i'm happy. Because that means that what i'm feeling for you isn't just some passing phase, or just a shallow emotion.

The fear of losing you doesn't necessarily mean that it's love, but that doesn't matter, because i know i do love you.

I'm so used to being empty.

It's weird to always be so happy.

Whenever you text me, i smile.
Whenever you call me, i smile.
Whenever i see you, i smile.

I'm so used to being sad, or apathetic, that i've forgotten how it felt to feel like this.


I think this time around i won't make the same mistakes.


You're not the center of my world.
You never will be.
But you will always be a part of it.


I'm going to stand on my own two feet,
But i'll know that when i can't,
there's always going to be someone for me to lean on.


I'm excited.

I can't wait to see what the future looks like =)

Free.

I feel like running.

No destination in mind,






but just running.

Because i can.








I want to be free.

Missing You.

I miss you...

Know.

I don't think i love you...



I know i love you.

Damn.

Contacts bothering me...
Dammit. This is my last pair too. i need them for the musical.

Tired...

Don't kill me when i say this...



but i'm so tired right now... i feel like falling asleep at the keyboard when i'm supposed to be doing a lab on the computer...

Expectations.

I really, really hate it when people place expectations on me.
It pisses me off like you wouldn't believe.

Even more so, i hate it when people automatically make general assumptions about me.

'Oh, that girl? she's so smart! she gets high grades all the time!'

'Patty, you're always so smart, i wish i had your grades!'

'You're so smart Patty!'

'You probably got a 100% right Patricia?'

'It's impossible for you to fail, you're so smart!'



Fuck that.
I'm not who you think i am.
Why would you even think that in the first place?


I'm not some genius.
I'm just me.

A normal person like you.

Just because i do marginally better than most people without studying doesn't mean that i'm smart. It just means that i'm really lazy and lucky.

I learn best when someone explains to me. I'm an auditory learner. I learn the most when i listen to the teacher talk during class time. That's pretty much my studying right there.

So why does everyone think that i'm so genius that passes all my courses with 90%+???

The truth is, i don't.

Currently my overall average for this semester is 88%

Wanna know why?

English 91%
Social 95%
Chemistry (AB) 83%
Chemistry (IB) 76%
Physics (AB&IB) 74%
Contemporary Music 100%
Instrumental Music 99%



Yeah. That's right. My mark is only being pulled up by my two music courses.
I'm doing terrible in all my science courses right now.
The only reason i'm doing decent at social was because the first unit was mind numbingly easy.

I hate it when people think i'm so smart...
I'm really not.
I'm just like you.


My parents always place such high expectations on me.
It pisses me off so much.

They always tell me i have to get 90%+, and when i do, they ask me why i didn't get 100%.

I get interrogated for anything under 90%.

'Are you being distracted?'
'You probably got yourself a boyfriend didn't you?!'
'It's because you hang out so much your mark is dropping'
'i told you to study hard for this last year so you can make it to university!'

WELL YOU KNOW WHAT?
NO i'm not fucking being distracted.
SO WHAT if i have a boyfriend. i HAVE A FUCKING LIFE. and he doesn't even distract me.
I HANG OUT because it gets me away from YOU.
I ALREADY GOT FUCKING ACCEPTED to university.

My average will NEVER drop below an 80%.

I'm going into the faculty of arts.
The average for arts is 78%.

Stop hounding me.

You always yell at me for how badly i'm doing in school,
what about my brother hm?

he never even got fucking distinctions.

he barely even got honors and you never yelled at him for it.


I have honors with distinctions for 2 years now, but that doesn't mean that it's my standard now.

Grade 12 is substantially harder than grade 10 and 11.

I have so many diplomas that it's not even funny, and you're telling me to get distinctions?

You never even said 'i'm proud of you' once.

Even after i brought you home my award for distinctions.

You only care about my core courses.



Don't you know that music is my only passion?

you should KNOW how much i love music.

You didn't even give a shit when i got top mark in 2/4 of my music courses.



you fucking called it chicken shit and brushed it aside because it didn't matter to you what i got in any of my option courses.




I've already done everything you wanted up till now.

You said you wanted honors all three years in junior high.
you got it.

You said you wanted honors with distinctions for grade 10 and 11.
you got it.

But that doesn't mean that i can automatically get distinctions for grade 12.

Fucking hells.

I have so much riding on this too.

If i don't get distinctions, i have to pay for my own grad dress.
If i don't get distinctions, i have to pay for my own plane ticket to hong kong, japan, and taiwan next year. Or i have to stay home.
If i don't get distinctions, then you'll never be proud of me.


Fuck it all.


I don't want to have to always do what YOU want.

What ever happened to what i want?



I can't even pursue music because of you.
I want music to be a part of my life when i grow up.

I told you i wanted to become a music teacher, you said no.
I told you i wanted to become a NORMAL reacher, you said they didn't make enough money.


I used to want to become a lawyer. But now i don't. Do you know why? it's because you've always been pressuring me to do it.


I don't want to anymore.
I want to do something i love.



I'm tired of living up to your standards.
you're never going to say you're proud of me anyways.




So why should i bother anymore?

i'm only a failure to you after all.

Glad.

I know this is stupid...
Honestly, i really do.
But it's just been a while since i've last had something like this.

Actually, i can't even compare it.
Because honestly, it's in two completely different ball parks.

It kind of scares me when you say forever.
It doesn't scare me because i don't want it, it scares me because i want it but i don't want to hope.
The last time i was promised forever, it turned out to be a lie.
He said forever, i said forever.
'Last time i told him, it wasn't just my heart he broke' (yes. that's right, i'm using a musical reference. LOL sue me. The musical is in a week!)
But...
I don't know.
I honestly don't know.
You're different.


Or at least i think you are.

I'm... finding myself to be a different person when i'm around you.
I try so hard to be normal, but then my selfish side always comes out.
I don't want to look needy or like a high maintenance girlfriend because i really dislike those people.
I don't want to become that.
But it's just so hard, you know?
When i'm around you, i just... i just start wanting more.


I want to spend more time with you.
I want to get more hugs from you.
I want to get more kisses from you.
I want you to hold me.
I want you to smile for me.

I want so much.
But i can't help but feel that i'm just being selfish and greedy.



So i don't say anything.


and i hope the feeling will go away,

but it doesn't.




It just gets stronger and stronger.
But i think i'm getting used to it now.



Hahaha... did you know that i cried last night?

It's pathetic really.
I cried because i was so looking forward to talking to you,
but i never got the chance.

I don't know if you knew i was upset or not,
but i felt like i acted like such a bitch in my texts.

I don't even know why i was so upset i didn't get to talk to you.
A few nights ago i told you that it didn't really bother me if i didn't get to talk to you for one day, and i said that because i really meant it.
It doesn't bother me.
In fact, it's probably good for us because you have your life and i have mine.

But then i just got upset last night...
and as much as i wish i could blame it on pms, i can't. because i'm not pms-ing.



It scares me a bit to see what i'm slowly becoming.

I need to control myself.


Stop wanting.
Start giving.

Stop needing.
Start understanding.

Stop pouting.
Start thinking.


After i cried - i don't really know if you can call it crying, because it was only a few tears - i just lay there and thought to myself: 'how pathetic can you be?'


This wasn't anything to cry over.
It was done out of good intention, so why was i so upset?

I need to grow up.

and i don't want to make you indulge my every whim either, because that's not going to do me any good.

In a way i'm kind of glad that you pushed me to go to sleep.

Because i know that you won't spoil me rotten, and that you will put your foot down if you have to. Also that you always try to do things for me with good intentions.



Don't worry about this.

It's just something that i have to sort out myself.

Don't feel bad.
And don't apologize for making me cry either.



I'm glad i got a wake up call.
And i'm glad i got it from you.

Slowing Down.

Is there something you're not telling me?

Well. Either way,

my next move is based off of what i've been feeling from you.








Time to slow things down.

Error.

I sent the email.

and then i went to fb to leave the group.




"Leaving the group will prevent members from re-adding you, would you still like to proceed?" yes.

"There was an error processing your request."


LOL.

i seriously...
just loled.


But the second time worked though.


I guess this is it.




It's finally over.

Hurts.

The reason why i'm trying so hard to think of a loophole in all of this crap,
the reason why i'm asking you to answer me selfishly,
the reason why i'm doing all of this...


is because i actually want to go back one last time
to the place where we started this.




It hurts to know that i won't be able to go back to the place where we first met, and where we first became friends.







It also hurts because i want to kiss you one last time at the same place we kissed for the first time.









Hahaha...




I'm so fucking pathetic.

Why?

Why does it feel

like we've grown more distant even though

in name we've grown closer?

Peace.

You have no idea how angry you just made me.

Things weren't so bad before, but then you blew it out of proportions.





You better believe i'm going to give you a piece of my mind.

Okay.

Hahahaha...


I need to talk to you.
I need someone to tell me it's going to be okay.

Lost.

Doesn't change anything?


...doesn't it already feel like something's been lost?

Not.

Haha...
I guess this just goes to show that i'e finally conquered my fear of being hated.


Because honestly right now,
I think i'm okay with it.



I made my choices,
you make yours.

I chose this because i felt that it would benefit me more in the end.
If you can't accept that then that's okay with me.
Because that means you never understood me in the first place.


But i will say one thing:
I may not be your most favorite person in the world right now,
but don't you dare involve people who aren't a part of this.
Otherwise i really will show you how cruel i can truly be.



Don't make me show my real self.
Because i can guarantee that you won't like it.






I'm not the girl you think i am.

Sorry.

I'm okay with being yelled at.
I'm okay with being hated.
I'm okay with all of that.


But what i'm really scared about is losing you.

I know you're reading this.




Please know this...



I'm so sorry...

Perfect.

Pretty pretty please,
don't you ever ever feel,
like you're nothing,
you are perfect...
to me.





Amazing song. Seriously.