Expectations.

I really, really hate it when people place expectations on me.
It pisses me off like you wouldn't believe.

Even more so, i hate it when people automatically make general assumptions about me.

'Oh, that girl? she's so smart! she gets high grades all the time!'

'Patty, you're always so smart, i wish i had your grades!'

'You're so smart Patty!'

'You probably got a 100% right Patricia?'

'It's impossible for you to fail, you're so smart!'



Fuck that.
I'm not who you think i am.
Why would you even think that in the first place?


I'm not some genius.
I'm just me.

A normal person like you.

Just because i do marginally better than most people without studying doesn't mean that i'm smart. It just means that i'm really lazy and lucky.

I learn best when someone explains to me. I'm an auditory learner. I learn the most when i listen to the teacher talk during class time. That's pretty much my studying right there.

So why does everyone think that i'm so genius that passes all my courses with 90%+???

The truth is, i don't.

Currently my overall average for this semester is 88%

Wanna know why?

English 91%
Social 95%
Chemistry (AB) 83%
Chemistry (IB) 76%
Physics (AB&IB) 74%
Contemporary Music 100%
Instrumental Music 99%



Yeah. That's right. My mark is only being pulled up by my two music courses.
I'm doing terrible in all my science courses right now.
The only reason i'm doing decent at social was because the first unit was mind numbingly easy.

I hate it when people think i'm so smart...
I'm really not.
I'm just like you.


My parents always place such high expectations on me.
It pisses me off so much.

They always tell me i have to get 90%+, and when i do, they ask me why i didn't get 100%.

I get interrogated for anything under 90%.

'Are you being distracted?'
'You probably got yourself a boyfriend didn't you?!'
'It's because you hang out so much your mark is dropping'
'i told you to study hard for this last year so you can make it to university!'

WELL YOU KNOW WHAT?
NO i'm not fucking being distracted.
SO WHAT if i have a boyfriend. i HAVE A FUCKING LIFE. and he doesn't even distract me.
I HANG OUT because it gets me away from YOU.
I ALREADY GOT FUCKING ACCEPTED to university.

My average will NEVER drop below an 80%.

I'm going into the faculty of arts.
The average for arts is 78%.

Stop hounding me.

You always yell at me for how badly i'm doing in school,
what about my brother hm?

he never even got fucking distinctions.

he barely even got honors and you never yelled at him for it.


I have honors with distinctions for 2 years now, but that doesn't mean that it's my standard now.

Grade 12 is substantially harder than grade 10 and 11.

I have so many diplomas that it's not even funny, and you're telling me to get distinctions?

You never even said 'i'm proud of you' once.

Even after i brought you home my award for distinctions.

You only care about my core courses.



Don't you know that music is my only passion?

you should KNOW how much i love music.

You didn't even give a shit when i got top mark in 2/4 of my music courses.



you fucking called it chicken shit and brushed it aside because it didn't matter to you what i got in any of my option courses.




I've already done everything you wanted up till now.

You said you wanted honors all three years in junior high.
you got it.

You said you wanted honors with distinctions for grade 10 and 11.
you got it.

But that doesn't mean that i can automatically get distinctions for grade 12.

Fucking hells.

I have so much riding on this too.

If i don't get distinctions, i have to pay for my own grad dress.
If i don't get distinctions, i have to pay for my own plane ticket to hong kong, japan, and taiwan next year. Or i have to stay home.
If i don't get distinctions, then you'll never be proud of me.


Fuck it all.


I don't want to have to always do what YOU want.

What ever happened to what i want?



I can't even pursue music because of you.
I want music to be a part of my life when i grow up.

I told you i wanted to become a music teacher, you said no.
I told you i wanted to become a NORMAL reacher, you said they didn't make enough money.


I used to want to become a lawyer. But now i don't. Do you know why? it's because you've always been pressuring me to do it.


I don't want to anymore.
I want to do something i love.



I'm tired of living up to your standards.
you're never going to say you're proud of me anyways.




So why should i bother anymore?

i'm only a failure to you after all.