Annoying.

Did you know,
i hate the people who make comments on GMH.

For several reasons:

1. they don't know anything. So stop preaching.

2. Because they only pretend to care,
they give out emails for someone to talk to,
but honestly they're just doing it for selfish reasons.

They're lonely, so they want someone to talk to,
and by talking to someone who needs it,
they can feel good about themselves.

it was never about the person suffering.
It was always about them.

Humans are selfish creatures.

Me?
i'm selfish as well.
But i'm also hateful.
Because i'm only human.

Two Is Company.

Company is overrated.

The need to be with someone is unbacked.
Why do we always seek companionship?
It's useless.
Sure, it's enjoyable.
But it's completely and entirely useless.

I've come to realize that i like being alone.
It's calmer.
It's more peaceful.

You don't have to worry about what others think about you,
because you know that what's important is what you think about yourself.

Before, i was obsessed with making people like me.
I was dumb.
It's only these past few years that i've learned
it doesn't matter.
The only reason i wanted people to like me
was because i didn't like myself.
But now i do.
I'm happy with who i am, and where i am in life.
I'm okay with being me.

It doesn't matter what people think about me.
I know who my real friends are.
They are the ones who care because they choose to.
not because of social status, or for personal gain.
They care, because they want to care.
and in return, i care too.

Maybe this is why i have an over protective nature.
So over protective, that it might be considered borderline unhealthy.
Because it's the people close to me that make me who i am today.
It hurts to see them hurt.
When they hurt, i hurt twice as much,
because i don't know how to stop that pain.

I like to see people smile.
It's something i treasure in life.
Because a smile has the potential to brighten a room
and chase away all the darkness plaguing a person.
I cannot count how many times one person's smile has made my day.
Not because they made me happy,
not because they said something epic-ly awesome,
but because they radiated pure happiness and you could read it in their smile.
To be able to feel an emotion as strongly as that...
It gives me hope in humanity.
A hope that should really no longer exist,
but does so through the smiles of my friends.

Even though i'd rather be alone,
i cannot deny that if this world were devoid of people other than me
i would not be able to be happy.
i would be able to be content and at peace.
but never truly happy.
Because it's through others
that we can experience true happiness, sadness, and pain.

Smile.

Your smile always makes my day :)

Sweet Madness.

I want to go home to a place that doesn't exist
anywhere else but inside my secluded mind.
A deluded madness
that comforts
and saddens.
A place of illusion
that makes reality seem like a nightmare.
Dreaming of places
won't get me anywhere
but sitting here
i just stop and stare
because i know
that if i close my eyes
i will lose myself in that illusion
and wish to die.

Blood.

Do you know
that i cry at night for you?

I cry because you're sad
and you think that no one cares
but i really really do

I cry because you do things with good intentions
but you can never seem to express that.

I cry because i want to tell you
'i love you'
but i can never get the words out.

I'm sorry i'm so inept at showing my emotions.

But i don't know what i can do to make you understand
Blood is thick.
It's okay to trust people.
It's okay to believe.

I'm so sorry that i'm such an ungrateful person.
But i really do care.

Because after all,
You're my mom right?

In Too Deep.

and now i can't get out.

I knew this would happen, and yet i didn't try to stop it.



I have only myself to blame.

Yet is it bad that i don't regret this in the least?

because at least for a while... i could pretend to myself that it would all be okay...
and that i would be happy.

Static.

Everyone is moving forwards.

Things are changing,
people are changing,
I'm not.

Why?

There's only so much that i can change into before i lose myself completely.

I'm scared that if i change anymore, i'll forget who i was to begin with.
I want to be me.

I want to be happy by being me.
I need to change
otherwise i'll be left behind.

I can't change,
because if i change anymore, i won't be me any longer.
I'm too easily lost.
Other people can change as much as they want during their lifetime, and they'll never forget who they are.
I will.
It's because i don't like the real me
that i'm so easily lost.

If i change...

I'll just be an empty shell full of lies that i used to call 'me'.

Sometimes...



sometimes i wish that i wasn't me.

Ridiculous.

I know that this probably isn't fair of me,
and that i'm probably being really cruel...
but honestly
i'm getting really irritated with you.

Like... honest to god,
i am starting to get irritated.

I don't know why either.

It's just...
stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Maybe it's just who i am and how see things,
but when i was in your place, i picked myself up off the ground and told myself to put one foot ahead of the other.

And i got past that hill.

But you're not doing that.
You're just standing still waiting for someone to come push you along.
you can't rely on people in this world.
It's a free for all.
it's either you do it for yourself, or you get left behind.

You're progressively getting worse and worse,
and you always talk about it
But you never fucking do anything about it.
You say you want to get better...
but i'm starting to think that's a lie.

This is YOUR life.
You are in charge of your life.
If you can't change things that ARE possible to change,
then you're just not trying hard enough.
You're subconsciously hoping that someone will notice you and come help you.

I don't want to be the one to say this, but since no one else is telling you, i guess i have to:
No one will help pick you up.
It's not that they don't want to,
but in the end
it all boils down to yourself.
We can help you along by showing you the right way
but if you're not willing to put in the effort to change
then we can't do anything more.

I know problems like these aren't easily solved,
they don't go away overnight.
I know.
I've been there.
But if you don't start, you're never going to finish.
So instead of spending time wallowing in self pity and waiting and wanting someone to care,
do it yourself.
You are strong enough.
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Life isn't fair.
Time won't stand still for you.
You've already lost so much time,
so it's about time you picked up the pace.

Baby steps.
Don't do it all at once, because it's overwhelming.
There are still some days where i fall back into my old habits
and where my thoughts are so negative sometimes, it's a wonder that i haven't completely lashed out yet.
But i get over it,
because i tell myself:
Tomorrow will be better.
And if tomorrow isn't better?
well, then i guess yesterday wasn't so bad.
Time will keep going regardless of what happens.
That's what keeps me going.
Because i know time won't stop flowing
and no matter how much i don't want it to come,
the sun will rise again.
So instead of spending all your energy on negative emotions
accept it.
Feel bad for a bit,
then stand up and let everything fall away behind you
and take that step forward.




That's all i have to say to you.
I don't know how else to help you.
Because i honestly can't.
I'm not good with this kind of stuff,
i don't talk to people about these things.
But i can write it down, and hope that you see it.
Only you can help yourself.
If this hasn't motivated you to do something,
then i don't know what will.

Don't say 'i can't'
Don't say 'it's too hard'
Don't say 'i don't know how'

Tell yourself 'i can.'
Tell yourself 'If it's too hard now, then i have to try harder'
Tell yourself 'i will figure it out'



No one likes seeing a friend in depression.
But only you can get yourself out of that hole,
because you were the one who allowed yourself to dig it in the first place.

You control your own happiness.

So isn't it about time you reined it in?

Ne...

Aishiteru...

Wakaranai...

Did i do something wrong...?

It's Sad, I Know, But...

I think I love you...

Note to Self.

You know what the end of the road has in store for you.


If you don't want to be sorely disappointed, turn back now.

Story.

I've decided for my short story, I will use elements/events/bits and pieces from the lives of all of my friends.

It's not a happy story people.

I'm crying just writing it.

Cry.

The reason i cry when you're crying isn't because i'm crying with you.


It's because i'm crying for you.

Phobia.

What is it that we fear?

Different people have different phobias. Some may fear spiders, some fear snakes, and some may even fear water, but regardless of what it is that we fear, the feeling of being terrified is something that everyone in this world knows.

Today when i was out to dinner with my parents, i realized what it was that I truly feared.

There was a news article in a chinese magazine (actually, it was in pretty much almost every chinese magazine in the restaraunt) about some guy hijacking a bus in malaysia or something.

He was upset that he had lost his job and so he took a gun onto a tourist bus and demanded his job back. He actually wasn't really violent. But the story ends with almost everybody on that bus dead. On that bus was a family of 5, they were taking a vacation. Only 2 of them survived.

It wasn't the man who shot them. But instead, it was the police.
They were only the local police and did not know how to handle such extreme situations and when the man demanded his job back, they kept saying no.
Eventually, the guy shot one passenger. The negotiations kept going (if you can even call it negotiations, because the police simply kept saying 'no') and after a while, the police became frustrated.

Someone gave the order, and then they began open fire on the bus.

Shooting at random.

At innocent civilians.


Most of them died.



When my parents told me this i honestly felt like crying so badly.
The picture of the lady in that family of 5 who survived... she was so grief stricken.
If you could see pure agony, it would've been her expression.

In another magazine, they had simulated photos of how the bullet killed the passengers and where the bullet went through.
Underneath the pictures, they had the age of the person who was shot that way.
The youngest person was 14 years old.

I have never wanted to scream so much before in my life.

another person was 58 years old.

The 14 year old was shot twice, once through her left breast, and another time just underneath her right arm.
Another 29 year old lady was shot in the head.
One other passenger was shot in the head (both of them in the brain part).
One man was shot in such a way that the bullet passed through his head, and out his lower jaw.

The worst part about it?

The police had used an automatic.

The police had used a fucking automatic, shooting randomly at a bus full of innocent people.

Shit.


Does nothing matter in this world anymore?

Do lives not matter?
Are we humans so completely and utterly HEARTLESS as to KILL innocent people just because we are FRUSTRATED?
What ever happened to a conscience?
What ever happened to lives actually being worth something?

I was so sick after hearing this story i didn't even want to eat.
And considering this is me, that's quite a feat.

I felt like puking everything back up.
Those people didn't deserve to die.
They were a family. On holiday.

One of the girls that died was a visa student.
In other words an international exchange student.
She's dead now.
I have friends that are visa students.
Even imagining them in that situations makes me want to scream and cry until i don't feel anything anymore.

I'm not scared of dying, or pain, or sadness, or even being alone,

I'm scared of watching someone else get hurt.

I realized this when i saw the simulated pictures of how the people got shot.

When i first heard the story, i was sad.
But when i saw the pictures, i was sick and terrified.

I don't want to watch someone get hurt... or even HOW they got hurt.
Regardless whether i know the person or not...
just watching a person - someone who potentially has a family... a mother... a father, a sister, brother, daughter or son - being hurt makes me want to curl up into a ball and scream.

Even when my best friend got hit by a car 2 weeks ago...
In a way i'm glad i wasn't there, because i know that if i had seen it, i would probably never be in the same state of mind ever again.
yet at the same time, i wish i WAS there, so that i could've at least done something.


I'm truly and honestly really terrified at watching someone else get hurt... or worse, die.

I think... that if i were to see someone die right before my very eyes, i wouldn't even be as happy as i am on a daily basis.

I'd rather die myself than watch someone else die.

If i have the power to save someone, i want to save them.


I don't want anyone else to get hurt.

I don't want people to be sad.

If i can take the pain for them, i would gladly do so. If i can exchange my life for theirs, i'd gladly trade.



I just don't want to see anyone hurt.





I'm so scared. I really am.
I know this is probably an incredibly weird phobia but it really does scare me so much.
Even thinking about it makes me teary and want to curl up into a ball.


Heh.
Who would've guessed?

People fear actual, solid objects.



I fear seeing someone being hurt or killed.

Grateful.

Is it wrong?
Is it wrong for me to loathe the hand that i've been dealt in life?
To reject the path that i have been set upon, to wish that it weren't so?

It is not that i hate my life and think that it is overly depressing,
but rather, i wish that i were not so fortunate.

The fact that i take many of my daily things for granted makes me feel so ashamed of myself.
Compared to my friends, i am spoiled rotten.
I have my every whim indulged,
I have never faced a traumatic experience,
I have never been in a hospital,
I have never lost anyone that is dearly close to me.

Yet many people i know have.
And they continue to walk their road with their heads held high.
They don't take anything for granted.
They appreciate what they have and they realize how lucky they are to have it.
It is their experience that has shaped them to become such a character.

I hate myself for wanting more.
I hate myself for being greedy and selfish.

I think i may be the only person in this world who wishes pain upon themselves.
Because maybe if i know true pain,
then i will be able to reflect back on my life and think to myself:
'I am grateful for everything.'

Desire.

"It's what we all want, in the end,
to be held, merely to be held,
to be kissed (not necessarily with the lips,
for every touching is a kind of kiss).

Yes, it's what we all want, in the end,
not to be worshipped, not to be admired,
not to be famous, not to be feared,
not even to be loved, but simply to be held."

- 'He Sits Down On The Floor Of A School For The Retarded' by Alden Nowlan

Someone.

I just want someone to love me is all...

Strong.

It bothers me that people aren't strong enough to move on with their life no matter how bad things get. If you can't find the strength to stand up, then eventually people will stop lending you a hand.

Understand.

I know how much pain you're in.

For the past few months you've been all alone with no one there to help you.
I know it's hard to believe, but i actually honestly do care.
It's difficult for me to show it... because that is simply not my nature.
I read your blog everyday you know.
It makes me so sad to see you so unhappy yet i don't do anything because i honestly don't know what there is i CAN do.
I asked you if i could write a story about you,
I'm writing it right now.
When i'm done, i want you to read it,

because maybe then you can understand what i cannot express through actions and words.

Home.

She's home now.

Okay.

She's going to be okay.

Cry.

I'm sorry that i don't express my emotions very well.

But you really have no idea how scared i was.





I was this close to losing my best friend.

I almost lost the person who stuck with me longer than anyone else i've ever known; who has been there through the thick and thin; who has seen me at my worst and still decided that i was worth being friends with.

I know i sounded really angry just a while ago on the phone,
but i don't know how else to express myself.


I cried 6 hours for you today, and i'm still crying.
Please don't make me cry this much again.

Dear BFF.

Get well soon.

I really, really miss you.

I'm sorry i wasn't there to help you.

I'm sorry that it had to happen to you.



I'm going to try and visit you tmrw.
Don't worry about school stuff, i'll take care of it.




Get well soon, please...

Dear Chocobo.

I'm sorry.


I've brought up unpleasant memories for you.



You're hurting inside. I can tell.






I'm sorry.

Faith.

Dear God,

Fuck you.

If you hate her enough to put her through more than she's already gone through already,
then i'd rather you'd hate me too.

I'm on a one way trip to hell anyways.

I've long lost faith in you.

Please.

Please don't cry.

I might not know just how much you are hurting,
or why you are hurting the way you are,

but i do know that you are my precious friend

and a soul as beautiful as yours does not deserve to feel sadness.


Please stop crying okay?

I'll be here.

Sadness.

Yesterday, there was this man on the bus.

He had had some things to drink and he was out of it to say in the least.
He told the bus driver that he had Parkinson's disease and that he did indeed have a few beers.

Everyone thought he was drunk because he couldn't sit straight in his chair and kept falling over. I went to help him and hold him up for a while on the bus ride.

I don't really know whether he was drunk or not.

But seeing him made me so sad. I felt like crying for him because clearly, he wasn't able to anymore.

When he talked, he sounded so spent and exhausted, like he had just given up on fighting the world back. He sounded like a man who had been chosen to shoulder such a heavy burden that after a while, it just didn't seem worth shouldering anymore.

He sounded so sad.

I could smell the alcohol on his breath. Don't get me wrong, it's hard not to smell it when you're trying to hold the guy up straight because no one else on the damn bus gave a crap.

His words were slurred too, but he was coherent and understood everything that we said. Which makes me mad because people started talking about him out loud saying that he should've known better not to drink when he has a known medical condition.

When i looked at him, i saw someone who was so sad that it was incomprehensible.

He could have been drunk. Maybe. Maybe not.
But that doesn't really change anything does it?
When people become drunk, they let their inner emotions come out.
They act impulsively on how they feel because their emotions are amplified 10 times.

That's why i don't know if he really was drunk or not.

Because i think that if i were him, i would've tried to drink away my sorrows too.

I hope he doesn't have to suffer much longer.

To that man on the bus,
Yesterday when i was alone, i cried for you because you couldn't cry.
Smile again, please. Because everyone deserves to be happy.

Hope.

It's songs like these that give me hope.

Hate.

I honestly hate it when people tell me that i'm good at something.
When someone tells me i'm good at something, i feel proud, but then i take a look at the world and there are millions of other people my age who are ten times better than i am... and that just deflates me like you wouldn't believe.

I'm pathetic.

I Think.

I think i like you...

Thank You.

If i make it farther than you in the contest... i want to sing 'Who Knew' for you. Because you made me realize that there's nothing wrong with being me.

Thanks for being my friend.

How?

How could you let this happen to yourself?

Truth.

I'm a horrible person.

Understand.

No one will ever understand just how much i love music.

Ever.




Because no one knows what it's like to actually feel something after being empty for so long.

Pretend.

Did you know? i'm actually liking you less and less now. But i still pretend to be your friend.

Empty.

It's just one of those days where i feel even more empty inside than i usually do.

Screwed Over.

Dear Heart,

I thought we agreed that this was simply a passing crush?
Why are you trying to screw me over??


Not very happy,
Patricia's Mind.

Food!

I was actually really happy today when i was cooking and baking.

I was happy because i felt like i was being useful and that i was doing something for the people i actually care about.

I'm proud of myself.

Just Gotta Say.

Seeing Crazy G. Photography post a photo with my horribly misshapen panda rock made my day and made me smile :)

Relief.

I've thought about it.

And i've come to the conclusion that it is just a fleeting emotion.

It's not real.






Thank God.

S.O.L

I don't want to love again for a while, so stop smiling at me the way you are now.

Then again, maybe it is a fleeting crush.

For both our sakes i hope so.

Faker.

Every time i fake a smile,

my real one disappears a little more.

Selfish.

I constantly dream of leaving behind everyone in my life.
But just hearing someone say that sometime in the near future they will be leaving, makes me want to cry.

I'm okay with leaving,
but i'm not okay with being left.

I'm so selfish.

It's Only A Crush.

It has to be.

Tired.

I'm so tired of living. (Not suicidal, see the difference)

I wish there were breaks in life.

The People Whom Have made an Impact on My Life. AKA People Who affect me.

Here's the list i promised euphemia.

In no particular order (because i'd honestly rather not disclose it, many people would be upset):

Chris
Shevon
Linda
Euphemia
Ashley
Chobo
Melissa
Kacey
Sandra
Pamela
Jennifer H.
Emily
Christine L.
Fiona
Joanna

Yeah. Honestly, there's not a lot.
This is a list of people who i actually care about, more than others that is.
In other words, these are the people who i would cripple my own happiness for.
Some of them are pretty high up the list... some of them barely made it.
Regardless, i still have many more friends, but they just haven't impacted me as much.
I'm not who you think i am, but i want to thank you for trying to learn.

Random.

I hate it when friendships are easily broken.

If your friendship suddenly crumbles just because of one small obstacle, you were never friends to begin with.
Don't judge other people. Just because you don't like them on first glance doesn't mean you shouldn't give them a chance. Even though this is so hypocritical coming from me, it's still the right thing to do.

You said you were friends for 5 years, yet suddenly over 2 months, you don't even talk to each other or hang with each other. Just because one more person has entered the picture.

If you're friends with someone, you'll accept who they are; and that includes the people they choose to surround themselves with.

I've noticed that a lot of my friends are actually enemies.
Just my luck. Most of the first i've made either don't like another friend of mine or they dislike all of my friends.
That only makes it harder for me because then i have to divide my time between groups of friends.

It's like turning on a switch.
My personality suddenly changes just like that.

It's gone on for so long that i don't even remember what my original personality (around other people) was like anymore.

Did i used to be outgoing?
did i used to be nice?

Am i still those things?
Maybe i am, maybe i'm not.

I honestly don't know what people think of me.
I've tried so hard to convince myself that i don't care what other people think, but the truth is i do.

I don't let it get to me as much as i did when i was younger because i've realized that taking everything to heart and caring about other people's opinions will only make you depressed and i'm never going back to that time when all i could think about was 'okay, lets just get through the day without breaking down and attempting suicide and then it'll all be okay'.

I really wish i knew what others think of me, but the thing is, everyone always tells me the same thing: 'smart... strong... asian...'

That's not answering my question.
Why??
why do i seem that way? is there something about me?
Don't say 'you just have that aura/presence'.
Because that doesn't tell me anything.

Everyone tells me the same thing.
I can't help but think that you guys are lying when you say it, because you have this hesitation.

Maybe you just don't know me.
I'm not surprised, i didn't let you in to begin with.
But are you that unfamiliar with me that you have to resort to generalizations that you hear from other goddamn people?

I'm not smart. I never was, and never will be.
Sure i don't study, but that doesn't mean i'm a freaking genius.
I hate it when people expect me to be smart. Does it look like i'm Einstein?
I want to find an honest mirror. Someone who can tell me or show me who i really am.

The only reason i know who i am now is because of my self analyzing.
I wish i didn't have to do that, but unfortunately for me, if i don't play psychiatrist for myself, i'll eventually go off the deep end.

I've always wondered if my 'friends' really are my friends.
I consider them my friends, but what do they think of me?
i'll be honest.
Sometimes when i'm around my 'friends' i think to myself: 'my god, will you just leave already?'

Yes, that's right.
There are times when i just want to be with certain people.
but i don't say that.
instead i smile, put up and shut up.
I'm getting fucking tired of doing that.

But then again, it's not like i can do anything about it.
I am because i choose to be (recognize that motto anyone? if you can tell me who's family motto it is, i'll love you forever even though i don't really know how to love someone).

I used to want to cry and scream when i was upset.
I remember screaming into my pillow and crying for hours and then going to shower just so that my family wouldn't know i was crying.

My god.
I've long gone past that point.
I don't even feel like screaming or crying anymore because it's not worth a fuck.
It won't matter how much i cry, or how much i scream, no one's going to hear it anyways and even if they did, no one's going to help me because they don't know how.

I'm pretty sure they WANT to help me, but it's just they don't know how to make it better.

I know after reading all of that, that you probably think i'm a hypocrite.
I am.
But at the same time, i'm not.
Because i'm not writing this because i am depressed and wallow in self pity and because i refuse to let people help me.
I'm writing this because i've accepted it, i can live with it, and because no one in this world CAN help me even if they wanted to.

Everything i write here is with apathy.
I don't hurt from it anymore.
I've gotten used to the dull throbbing.

I'm writing this as a record of a person who wishes she could feel happiness again.

There was a brief moment that i thought myself as a psychopath, but then i realize that couldn't be true.
Psychopaths don't feel ANY emotion at all, even though they can understand it.
I still feel emotions.
I can feel sympathy, sorrow, and anger.
But not much other than that.
My feelings have been permanently dulled.

In a way i kind of like it...
because there are some moments where i don't feel anything at all, and i can actually appreciate that.
I can appreciate those few moments where everything is just so... calm.

Have i ever mentioned how much i love swimming in still water?
i love the look of the water...
how the crests rise and fall with every tiny movement.
it makes me feel as though i am gliding.

anyways, that's another topic for another blog.
For now though i must go back to homework, the very bane of my existence.

Belong.

Last night i had a dream.
I dreamt that i could escape into my dream world, but only if i concentrated hard enough, however as soon as someone would break my concentration, i wouldn't be able to do it.
I remember that in my dream, everyone around me wouldn't let me escape.
They tied me down to this world.
I can't remember the things that people said,
but out of my entire dream
i can only remember me saying this one line over and over again:



I don't belong here; let me go.

Automatic.

I've realized that the reason i can cry on demand so easily is not only because i can make my past painful memories seem so vivid,


but because i'm so used to just automatically reacting without feeling anything.

Just Thought You'd Like to Know.

About 80-90% of the things i say are lies. Be it a little white lie, or just a full out one.

Why?
Because i don't trust anyone enough to say the truth.

Bitter.

i want to help my friends with their problems.

I want them to get past the pain.

But the human part of me can't help but ask:






Why should i help them, when I had to suffer alone?

Nothing.

I don't feel anything right now.

But i constantly dream and daydream about being with someone.

They say that dreams are the mind of your subconsciousness and your true inner desires.

If that's true, then i must be lonely.

But i don't feel anything.

It's all empty.




And i like it that way.

Waiting.

It bothers me when i hear about people cutting themselves or anything of the sort.

I don't understand.
Why good does hurting yourself do?

I know that i used to be like that...
but i can't remember for the life of me why the hell i did it, because it sure as heck didn't solve anything.

By hurting yourself, you hurt those around you who actually do care.

I freaking care.
I may not always be there, i might not be your closest friend, but fuck it man, i care.

You don't have to go through everything alone you know.
People are there to listen; people are there to help.
Everyone always says 'well, if someone actually cared for me, i wouldn't be like this right now'.
Excuse me? open your eyes and take a look around you. We're all here for you, you've just been too blinded by your pain and irrationality to actually see it.

I'm not mad at the people for being so stupid as to even do something like this, because let's face it, we've all been there and done that. We can all understand what pushes us to go to such extremes.

But, i'm just frustrated that you didn't come to me earlier.
Do you not trust me?
Or maybe you just don't care enough about yourself to actually get help?
I want to help you.

I'm upset because you're upset.
I'm hurting because you're hurting.

You don't have to go through it alone you know.
I want to help you, but i need you to let me help you.

This blog isn't directed at only one person either.
I know lots of my friends cut.
And i have a sneaking suspicion that there are some who still haven't told me.
I can't do anything if you don't tell me what's wrong.

I can't fix something if i don't know it's broken.

When you hurt yourself, that's like saying: 'i don't care about what you've done to help me' to those who actually care and have made a difference in your life.

This depression is a stage in life that we all go through.
You just have to get past it. See the bigger picture; see past the pain.

I've past it already.

I'm just waiting for the rest of you now.

Make Believe.

It's one of those days

where the only reason i can keep going is because i can pretend that my dream is reality.

Dear Best Friend,

What would i ever do without you?

Thank you for making my day better again :)

and thank you for always listening even when i didn't ask for it,
and thank you for putting up with my random crap and always understanding me.

I'll see you at my wedding when you say 'it's okay, comforts you in a specific way of your choosing' XD

FML.

I've had enough.
Seriously.

Why don't you take your moping elsewhere?
Like really now, i don't care to read this stuff on your pm.
You can drag your sorry ass somewhere else and post that stuff.

I don't even know why i don't delete you off my contacts.
If i had followed my first instinct, you wouldn't even be a contact anymore, but it's just my luck that whenever i need information on band stuff, everyone else is always offline or doesn't know the answer.

FML.

Dark Fascination.

I meant to post this the other day, but i forgot about it until after i saw the music video 'lights out' by Rick Astley just now.

I remember on the way driving home, there was a block where all the lights had gone out.
It was completely dark...
and it fascinated me.
Everything was dark and it felt comforting in a way.
It was almost as if time froze.
The feeling you have when you look up in the sky and think about just how tiny and insignificant you really are, yet you know that you are still alive.

I wish that man kind had never discovered how to generate electricity.
First of all, that would be more eco-friendly, second of all, it's more...serene.
I love the darkness.
There's just something about it that pulls me in and comforts me when nothing and no one else can.
In the darkness, i can pretend that the troubles of the day have disappeared along with the light.
And after all my thoughts disappear into the dark, the sunrise seems more beautiful than ever.
To see that ray of light peak over the horizon, bathing the land in it's presence...
It is the embodiment of the word 'hope'.
If i could have any wish in the world... i would wish for me to be the person in my dreams. A person with the ability to change anything.
I would turn the lights out. I would destroy our technology.

I would reduce man kind back to the dark ages.

People need to learn to appreciate the small things in life.
When the light of the sun flickers out, so should the bustle of city life.

It's hard to describe exactly what it is i feel.
There really are no words for it, because it's just this sense of...peace within me.

Sure, getting rid of electricity would be incredibly inconvenient for us... but we've relied on it for too long now.
We've long forgotten how to do the most basic of things.
When was the last time you actually sat down to read a book instead of going online?
When was the last time that you did your own research instead of going to Wikipedia or Google?
We don't remember what it is to be human.
Technology is destroying what good is left in humans.
This is what i believe.

The only light we need in the dark is the light of the moon.
An ethereal glow that casts a silvery light upon the earth.
There was a reason that God created it that way.
everything is now electronic.
We no long write down things by hand to record them.
Our records are digital.

What happens if one day, all the computers in this world crash? and we have no backup?
That's hundreds of years gone right there.
Books however, last forever. Ink forever on a page.

I love the darkness.
Sometimes i just wish i could lose myself in it.
The darkness shadows everything that we do.
It follows us everywhere.
The one unchangeable thing in a constantly moving world.
That provides solace for me.

We're too caught up in our lives nowadays.
We don't stop to appreciate the small things in life.
Like the beauty of nature, or just the fact that we're alive

It's saddening that no one quite understands this.

Am i the only one who loves the darkness and the peace that it brings?

and i mean true darkness. Not the darkness in your room, but the darkness where there are no lights on - inside OR outside - and there's only the light from the moon.

One day
I will leave.

Leave behind the light
and reach out to the darkness.

Hope.

Today when i looked to the sky,
i felt a light feeling in my chest

It was only after that i realized what that emotion was

Hope.

Long Gone.

This is ridiculous.

You're not even real.
You don't even have a name, much less a face.
Everything you are is just a figment of my imagination.
You are someone i created
in the deep recesses of my mind.

But if all this is true...
How is it that my heart calls for you so?

It's gotten to the point
where i wish
that someday when i go to sleep
that i never wake up,

Because if i continue dreaming,
then i can convince myself that you are real
and not just another person created by my mind.

Whoever is reading this can lay judgement on me.
I care not what you think
because honestly,
I've long given up hope.

I Miss You.

How can i miss something to the point of tears that was never real to begin with?

I think maybe this is the first warning that i may have stepped too far over the boundary of reality and fantasy this time.

Lie No More.

I won't lie.

Sometimes i wonder:
if i die, will i be able to go to my dream world?
or
if i'm in a coma, can i go to that one place i've always wanted?

I will never do such a thing though.
But the temptation grows with every passing day.

And at this rate,

One day it's going to take over and bring down all those resolutions i've tried so hard to keep.

Too Far Gone.

It's happening more and more often.
Not that i dislike it, i actually welcome it.
But i think others are more worried.

There are times when i lapse into my dream world. Literally.
I'll go blank and it'll seem like i'm unconscious on my feet with my eyes open.
When i said that sometimes i can make my dream world reality, i wasn't joking.
Though it's dangerous, because i find myself more and more reluctant to come back.
I think, if this keeps going on, one day i'm just going to lose my grip on reality forever.

Not that i mind.

Although i should really start paying attention to where exactly i drift off.
Today, i nearly crashed while riding my bike because the wind made me feel so nostalgic.
I don't even think nostalgic would be the right word because technically, i haven't really felt the wind in my dream world. I've only imagined it.
But then again, sometimes it seems so real to me that i can't tell dream from reality.
But yes, while i was riding my bike, the feel of the wind just made me suddenly drift off into my dream world.
Did NOT see that car coming.
Thank god that at least my brain was registering the things i was seeing, otherwise i wouldn't have clutched the breaks on instinct.

Is it a bad thing that the only thing i live for now other than my friends is to go to bed every night just to lay there and retreat to my dream world?
A place where i am loved,
A place where i have someone to love,
A place where i am free.
A place where i am happy.

There was only one other time where i had gone this far.
That was in elementary/junior high.
It got so bad that i even imagined the smell of that special person.
I nearly cried when i smelled that exact same scent in the real world.
That was my wake up call that things had gotten too far.
I mean, if you want to cry because of some guy that didn't even exist,
there's a problem.
But
i think i'm heading down that same road again.
And this time i'm welcoming it with open arms.

If you are reading this
and i am in the hospital for being mentally unstable...
well
at least you know
that i knew exactly where i was headed
and that i didn't bother stopping myself.

Hate.

You know,
sometimes i really want to hate you.

Who I Used To Be.

Last night i had a dream.

I dreamt about every friend i had lost.

Needless to say, i dreamt about how i used to feel about you.
I still regret letting our friendship slip away, but this past year has kind of rekindled my hope of getting you in my life again.

Do you remember how we felt back then?

I liked you.
Supposedly, you liked me back.

But nothing ever happened, because as soon as we had gotten close, we drifted off again.

4 years. and not a peep from you. But as god would have it, last year we had a class together.
I think you were shocked that i remembered your birthday. How could i ever forget? It's funny. Your Birthday is the only one that i can remember effortlessly.

In my dream you were holding me.
It was everything a dream should be. Complete silence.

No words were needed because the actions said it all.
Your body said 'i missed you so much'.
Your eyes said 'i love you'.

I think... i was happy.
Or at least that's what i think 'happiness' is.
I felt so content, like i could die without a care in the world.

I miss you, you know.
I really really do.
Sometimes, i wonder if i shouldn't have left you to become friends with him.
I remember you hated him. Hated him so much.
To this day, i still wonder whether you hated him for his personality, or because he was slowly taking over my life while you were left at the sidelines.

If i could turn back time, i would relive every moment we had together, be it good or bad.
I actually can't believe that you still liked me after everything i put you through.
I was such a bitch back then. Still am probably.
But... i guess you just saw past it all.
I'm sorry i ever let you go.

Please don't leave me again...
I need you more than you know...
because
You bring back all the feelings i thought i'd lost.

Anger.

I'm starting to get really annoyed.

Here's the situation:
Music (AKA Band) is usually a full year course - given that learning an instrument is hard work and takes dedication as well as constant practice, i can understand why making the course full year is most beneficial. However, this year something changed. Band was changed into a semestered course. Because of this, there's been outrage amongst the music students.

Somebody decided to send a message to all the music students saying that we should go to the administration and start a riot. There were disagreements and thus started a really, extremely annoying string of msg comments/arguments and i've been receiving notification like no tomorrow.

First of all,
i too am angry at the course being semestered.
But really? a RIOT?
How old ARE you? Freaking 5?
That's like throwing a temper tantrum when you don't get what you want.
People claim that it's screwing over their career paths in life.
Uh hello? i'm trying to become a MUSIC TEACHER HERE. You don't exactly see me handing out burning torches and pitchforks now do you?

If you wanted to start a PETITION, then yes, i'm all for it.
But seriously. A Riot?
You can't justify violence no matter what you say.
It's inexcusable.
And what about our music teacher? he's more dedicated to his job than any other man i know. He loves music with a passion and i'm sure he tried all he could to change the administration's minds.
If you start a riot, that will only reflect badly on him and could potentially cost him his job.
Don't be selfish.
You want to get rid of the flex program that is screwing up the schedule? people NEED that program to survive. Some people aren't as intellectually advanced as others. They can only retain information for a short amount of time. This is their way to finally escape the road of automatic fail.

I can't say any of this out loud though. Because i know for a fact that if i say how i disagree, people will ask me for a better solution.

And the truth is i don't have one.

But i sure as hell know that the solution you're proposing will do more harm than good.

Another good reason why i hate humanity.

Warning.

Lately you've been expressing your regrets to how we ended things.

I am conflicted as to how to approach this.

First of all,
what part of the whole 'i-cut-you-out-of-my-life-now-stay-the-hell-out-of-it' thing didn't you understand?
and wasn't it YOU who decided that it wasn't worth the effort to remain friends?
Fuck You.

Second of all,
I've long past the point of caring, so why do you still care?
Honestly, i gave up on this crap like... what, half a year ago? 3/4 of a year ago? why the hell are you going on about your 'i'm sorry' crap again?

I don't know whether to laugh hysterically or just shake my head because both seem like quite plausible options.

Not to mention, whenever we do meet face to face, you avoid me like the plague. Or pretend i'm not even there- not that i'm complaining because i don't even acknowledge you existence but whatever. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Well.
Whatever.
Whatever the hell you decided, you can go for it
because i honestly REALLY don't give a rat's ass anymore.

And i would appreciate it if you stop making my friends do the work of bringing me msgs from you.
Stop being such a coward. You're hurting my friends in the process.
And let this be a warning:

If you hurt any of my friends to the point where i have to step in,
you better watch your fucking ass
Cuz i swear i'll kick it back to kingdom come.

Sinking in Emptiness.

Today, when i looked in the mirror,
i thought to myself:
"This is me forever more."

For a moment, my heart sank

before returning to the blank emptiness i always feel.

To Feel, We Suffer.

This is kind of an expansion of a thought i touched on in the previous blog.
"To love, we must first feel pain." or something along the lines of that.
It is because we understand what it feels like to be hurt, that we have the ability to be kind. Our hearts carry compassion within and when faced with someone that we care about or love, we try our best to shield them from pain. We feel an automatic desire to be kind to them and see them smile.
It makes me wonder about the murderers and criminals in this world.
What were their motives? were they fueled by hatred? perhaps revenge? Or were they just pitiful beings who had never felt love?
It is scary to think that a person who has never felt love has the potential to grow into a being who hurts other people.
But then again, it all depends on the individual does it not?
When i was little, i hated my parents. It was a kind of love-hate feeling. They were my parents, so i felt a natural bond with them. Call it 'love' or whatever, but it was a bond. Yet at the same time, i despised them more than anyone in my life. I hated them for making my life so miserable, but that's not to say that they didn't do their best to make me happy.
I didn't need all that attention. I didn't need all those toys or clothes or accessories. If they had just settled their differences i would've been content.
My parents did not speak to each other for the first 12 (or was it thirteen?) years of my life. At least not until my mom got diagnosed with cancer and had to go to the hospital.
My mom was the most hateful. She absolutely loathed my dad and everything to do with them. She always yelled at me whenever i visited my grandparents. At the time, i thought she was just using me as a tool to get back at my grandparents. She claimed that they had made her life miserable at the beginning of her marriage and that my grandmother gossiped about her and stuff like that. Eventually, hatred brew and that hatred spread out to encompass the rest of my dad's family. When i was little, i thought that my mom was making up lies. She had a bad habit of blowing up small things into much larger problems and 'editing' it so that it made her look like the victim (a habit that i, unfortunately, have picked up). But now, when i think about it, i think my mom was just scared. Scared that i would be hurt the same way that she was and so she tried to warn me against it. Even though this might be true, it does not make it right. Simply because she was hurt, does not mean that i will be. My grandparents had never done anything to hurt me and i could never believe that they would ever do anything to harm me. So you could probably guess why i got angry at my mom so often.
I was naive back then. I kept thinking: why can't we all get along? what's wrong with being together?
Like i've mentioned previously: i despise humanity and it's weaknesses.
We do not forgive. Although we say we do, we let go of the past, but retain that small memory of anger that prevents us from fully forgiving.
My mom never forgave my dad's side of the family. To this day, she still hates them, however that hate has dulled over the past few years.
When my mom was in the hospital, my dad visited her every single day. He stayed faithfully by her side every hour except for when he had to come home and take care of us (cook us dinner, pick us up etc.).
Perhaps this was the pivotal point in our lives.
Because after my mom recovered, my parents began to speak again.
Until this day, i did not realize just how eerily quiet our house was during my childhood years.
No one talked. Ever.
The air was always tense and hostile.
The reason i hated my mom wasn't because she banned me from seeing my dad's family (which didn't really matter, because i saw them anyways), but because she went about the wrong way conveying it.
She yelled at me for it. She yelled at me for wanting to see my own flesh and blood. She told me that they were horrible people and that they would hurt me.
I hated her for saying these things when they were always so kind to me.
My dad did not know that my mom had banned us from seeing his family because we always went with him regardless. We (me and my brother) never let him know that we got yelled at for it afterwards because we felt that it was our burden to bear.
When he found out one day, he was shocked.
I don't remember what happened afterwards, partially because i don't want to remember, and partially because my mind has blocked off that memory in an act of self defense.
It was strange. I remember feeling confused and hurt because my mom hated my dad so much, yet my dad didn't hate her.
I couldn't understand how he didn't hate her. She blamed him for everything that went wrong in life... and yet he bore no ill feelings towards her.
It made me angry.
I think... if he had hated her, i wouldn't have been angry. I would've hurt more, but i wouldn't have been angry.
By seeing my parents, i swore to myself that i would never be like them. I still have the diary entries to prove it.
By growing up in this house, i was forced to mature faster than other children.
In a sense, it kind of feels like i lost my childhood.
How many children can you name bear the burden of being the vent for both their parents especially if their yelling and screaming was directed at the other parent?
I had to lie day in, and day out.
When with my mom, i agreed with what she said and put up a front like i hated my dad, because otherwise she would start yelling again.
When with my dad, i swallowed my pain and put on a smile to visit his relatives.
A double life is taxing on a child.
I think, it is because of the pain i felt as a child, that i am the person i am today.
I cannot stand seeing a friend in pain. I feel the strong desire to comfort them, or hold them and take on their burden as my own.
I cannot help it, it is an instinct.
I've felt so much pain in my life, and i would give my own life to ensure that none of my friends ever feel the same things i've felt.
It's painful you know.
Living is so painful.
There is no one in this world who truly understands me. There is no one that i can completely and fully trust enough to just unleash all my pent up anger, hurt, and frustration.
I just want somebody to hold me and - for a change - take my burden and bear it upon their shoulders.
My world consists of all my friends. My friends are family.
The weight of the world is a heavy burden to bear.
Maybe this is why i crave solitude so much.
Because in solitude, there are no people.
No pain, no sadness, no nothing.
An empty world... My ultimate paradise.


Humanity is the weapon of ultimate destruction. The embodiment of the seven deadly sins. It is because of these sins that we gain compassion.

Hate & Love.
One cannot exist without the other.
Forever to exist in our world.

May God Help Us All.

Desire.

I am guilty.
Guilty of a sin, a sin that we all partake in, no matter our age, sex, or views in life.
I desire.
I want to go out and take what can't be taken.
I desire solitude.
I feel this desire gnawing at my soul every day.
And with each day, the desire only grows stronger and stronger.
I want to be alone.
It's so controversial isn't it? humans were hardwired to crave companionship, and after all these years, that craving has slowly morphed into a need; a need required for us to survive.
I too, am human. I too crave companionship. But sometimes i think that i would be so much happier alone than any partner could ever hope to achieve by standing by my side.
More than once, i have nearly cut off my ties from this world.
More than once, i have wished that every human being on this planet would just disappear... or that i would disappear into another world where i could be alone.
I despise humanity.
I despise our weaknesses and flaws.
I hate how we judge, i hate how we lust, i hate how greedy we are.
They aren't called the seven deadly sins for nothing.
These sins corrupt us. And in the end, they will inevitably kill us.
To die by our own hands.
Isn't suicide the ultimate sin?
We are slowly destroying what god gave us, we are tearing this world apart from the inside out.
It starts in the soul of man and it grows into ambition, desire, and greed which then destroys the outside world one man at a time, corrupting them with hatred and anger.
Yet there is still good in people. I have seen it. The goodness that gives me hope that maybe there is salvation for man kind.
I think this is all some cruel joke set up by a person with sick humor up there.
Human beings: the ultimate destruction. Destroyer, yet merciful and kind.
The noise never stops.
The murmuring of life, the bustle of the crowd.
I want it all to just stop.
I want everyone to just stand there and realize just who and what we are.
We're so small compared to the big picture.
I am but a micro-pixel.
But i want to change it.
But at the same time, i know i cannot, because i am merely a little girl who knows nothing in this world.
So instead of changing the world, i will change myself.
I cannot do everything, but i can do something.
Instead of companionship, i will crave solitude.
With companionship, it brings joy, love, and pain. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. To love, you must first feel pain.
I am a coward.
I run from pain. I fear it. I've felt it.
So consequently, i seek to avoid it.
And i've found that the solution is simply solitude.
When i am alone, i feel at ease.
I feel peace.
I feel calm.
I can hear myself; I can hear my own heartbeat telling me that yes, i am alive and i am my own self.
I can choose my own path.
I have nobody to tie me down, to hold me back.
I can be free.
I think, that if i were not such a coward,
i would have run away long ago.

Neverending.

I love the sky.
I really really do.
When i look up at the sky, i feel a sense of ease that is usually absent in my daily life.
I love it when the sky is clear with only an endless sea of blue that stretches far beyond the horizon. It makes me believe that one day, i will be able to fly away.
The sky is like a sanctuary for me, it reminds me of the days where i used to be able to live without a care in the world, back when i thought everything was going to be okay because i was protected from the big, bad world.
It makes me feel whole again.
Not to mention the colour is so peaceful. Such a soft blue that makes your heart flutter away with the wind. A colour that only God can create.
I also love the night sky. It gives me the same comfort but in a different way. The bright blue sky of day gives me hope, and the dark clear sky of night gives me peace and solitude.
I think, when i die, i want my ashes to be scattered in the wind, so it can carry me up to that one place that i could never reach during life...
The Sky.

Overcoming Death.

I used to think about suicide all the time.
I've tried it at least once and clearly i either failed or backed out quickly enough to not hurt myself significantly.
But i don't think about it anymore.
Over the past few years, i've come to realize just how selfish suicide is.
I have so many people around me, supporting me and pushing me along in life. They've used so much effort to keep me from straying off the path that i walk.
If i were to kill myself now, that would be like saying 'you don't mean a thing to me' in their face.
Suicide is selfish.
You put your pain first and foremost before others without even considering the consequences of your actions.
I no longer think of suicide because i have people in my life that mean more to me than i could ever dream of.
I have people who have been there with me every step of the way, and some that have even strayed off their own paths to help me return to mine.
I thank God for giving me such wonderful friends in my life.
If everyone succumbed to their own darkness, this world would be barren.
It's because people are strong enough to stand up when there seems like there is no hope left that we can truly flourish in this world.
When you think about hurting yourself, you unconsciously hurt those around you.
Despite what everyone always thinks,
there is always someone watching over you; someone who loves you.
You may not know it, but there is a person in your life to whom you mean the world.
If you choose the easy way out, not only do you sufficiently end YOUR path and cut off any possibility of happiness in the future, but you also destroy a part of their world.
Everyone experiences pain, but how you deal with it is what makes you a person.
Stand strong and proud. Don't let life break you. And even if you break, there are some who can help put you together again.
Before i realized all of this, i was severely depressed.
I hated everything.
I hated life.
I hated school.
I hated myself.
But then i met some people
who slowly began to make life worth living
and then one day it all came crashing down again
and when i told a friend that i had contemplated suicide before
i was shocked at their reaction.
They were furious.
Angry that i had thought such a thing
Disappointed that i would ever want to choose the easy way out
Upset that i would put myself first and foremost
Hurt that i would just get up and leave them all alone in this world because i decided that i was tired of it all.
We only have each other to hold onto in this life,
if you just get up and leave one day
who will we hold on to?
A bunch of chopsticks is harder to break than one chopstick alone.
We're stronger if we're together.
Open your eyes and look at those around you.
See what you pain has blinded you to.
We are here. We've always been there.
We were just waiting for you to realize that.
Have Faith.
Because a little faith goes a long way.
And maybe,
just maybe,
one day we'll overcome death itself.

Friendship.

What defines a friend?
Is it how much you talk to that individual? or perhaps how akin you feel with that person? or maybe even how much you trust him/her with your deepest and darkest secrets?
It all depends on one's own opinion after all.
I hate it when friends drift away from friends and suddenly everyone's like 'well, they didn't make an effort to stay in my life!'
If that's how you think, then i think that you need a serious reality check.
Stop being so selfish.
Friends are friends because no matter how far apart you drift you still have memories together that are unforgettable that serve as a solid foundation in which you can tread on forevermore.
I haven't talked to some people in years, yet i still call them my friends because that's what they are. I don't care if they don't consider me the same, does it really matter? it's my opinion anyways. Just because they don't consider you a friend, doesn't mean you can't consider them one. It's not always mutual.
If you're upset about someone not being in your life as much as you would like, then perhaps you should rethink some things.
Everyone has their own life. People change and move on. it's life. People come and go. If you can't find the strength to let them walk their own path, then perhaps you are just too insecure to walk yours alone.
Everyone has their own journey to travel, some paths may intertwine and some might go on to oblivion in solitude.
Just because you don't talk anymore doesn't mean you're not friends.
Just because you don't see each other everyday doesn't mean you're not friends.
It just means that you're considerate enough to let them be who they are.
Sometimes, i believe that there really is no such thing as a 'best friend' because honestly, if you think about it, we call those we hang out with the most our 'best friends'. But what if you moved away? what if you left those friends and went somewhere else? what if you made new friends? suddenly the ones around you at the moment are your best friends and your old friends are taken down from that ever grande podium of the title 'best friend'.
Why do we have to think so much about it?
Friends are friends.
They stay that way forever until someone changes that.
Friendship is not limited by distance (literally and figuratively).
If you dislike the fact that people drift away from you, then you need to wake up.
Because this isn't the place you think it is.
This is life.

Empty.

I can't feel anything.
Actually, that's a lie.
I can feel pain; i can feel sorrow; i can feel anger.
But i can't feel love, or happiness, or joy.
I can't remember when it was the last time that i smiled for real and it wasn't just my brain telling me to smile on instinct.
My brain controls me.
I laugh because everyone else laughs.
I smile because that is what is expected of me.
I cry with others because it is expected from a person in society to be sympathetic to those around them.
When i'm alone, i cry because i can't do anything else.
I cry because of the overwhelming emptiness i feel.
I scream and cry because i want to know why i'm such a defect as a human being.
I wish i could be happy.
When i say the words 'i love you', they're so empty that it makes me cringe.
I don't know what love is.
I've never felt it, so i can't ever give it.
I don't know what it feels like to have happiness spread through every vein in your body until it fills you up to the brim.
I wish i could.
God created every man equal.
I guess i just wasn't important enough.
Defects, after all, stay defects until someone comes and fixes them.
Whoever that person maybe...
come soon,
because otherwise it might be too late.

Forevermore.

The things i cannot say out loud.
The things i cannot breathe to another living soul.
The things i think everyday.
The things i am ashamed of.
The things i truly believe in.
The things i wish were true.
These are the things that i will post here.
The things no one has ever heard from me before.
The things that people deny about me.
This is a glimpse at the real me.
Here, you will see the shadow of my mind and it's workings.

Viewer's discretion is advised. Seriously.