Miss You.

I'm an idiot for falling this far.
Look at what you do to me.


I'm crying because i miss you.

Dance To the Music.

I love hugging you. Did you know that? You're not the only one wishing that our hugs last forever.

Did you like my letter? Did you like what was behind door number two (+3+4+5.5)??

I loved watching your reactions as you read my letter.
I loved how when you finished you didn't even say anything; you just opened your arms and i naturally flew into them.

Did i touch your heart? I hope i did.

I'm so happy that i finally got to read your texts too.

I think i loved number 6 the most :), but number 3 was sweet too. I'm definitely looking forward to the second half of two! you stopped right at the good part!

I'll always hug you tightly. I want to protect you, and be protected.

I don't want to be caught by anyone other than you. I'm a picky fish :P I like certain types of bait. I've already looked through the ocean but i didn't like what i found.

Do you smile when you see my name pop up on your phone like i do?
Do you talk to Tyler about me when i'm not around?
Does your face split into a goofy grin when you think of me?
Do you laugh out loud unabashedly when I say/text you something funny?


Do you think, that if we both wish for the same thing at 11:11, we'll get our wish? I'll wish every night, every day if it will come true. I know you wish too.

I love watching you blush. It's really cute. You look absolutely adorable when you try to hide your face.

Remember on Wednesday (2011.12.7) when we sat in HUB talking and debating for hours? You were so embarrassed. It was like watching a little kid. It made my day.

Aren't you glad that you didn't wait until Christmas to give me the text messages? You were 90% sure that i would react in a good way, and you were right. I couldn't stop smiling today. We're almost there; we're sitting at 95% right now. 5 more percent and we'll finally reach that stage that we both are working towards.

I'm excited.

What did you plan for tomorrow?
I don't know where this 'little adventure' of yours will take us.
We're meeting at campus so i suppose it's close by?

Can i hold your hand?
Will you hold mine?


Can i greet you with a hug?
Can that hug last forever?


Can i just stay there in your arms forever?


You told me that you were almost completely sure about me because of our 'eye contact'.
It's not my fault that i love your eyes.
They're a really pretty blue... It reminds me of the sky and the ocean. It reminds me of freedom.

It's funny isn't it?
I've always said how much i love the sky. It makes me happy to see that endless blue. It makes me feel like i'm 'home'.

Your eyes are an exact copy of that.

I usually don't hold eye contact with people very long, but i think i could probably stare at yours forever.

Today when we were walking with your arm around my shoulders and my arm around your waist... it felt right.
Maybe it was because of the height difference that it worked out nicely :P or maybe it was just how it was supposed to be.

When we were walking, i remember having this thought go through my head:

I want to be here to heal the scars in your heart. So even if we don't last forever, I will have healed you enough that so that the next girl can make you happier without your past scars aching.

I want you to be happy.
I want to make you happy.

But I am realistic enough to realize that some things might not last forever.
But I am also optimistic enough to know that some things do.

However long we last, I want to be there for you.

I will do my best to mend your heart.
(The nerd in me right now is screaming 'HEAL!' 'REVIVE!' 'POTION!' and waving a tiny staff around... LOL facepalm)

I also want to say that I absolutely adore your best friend!
I'm so glad you have such good friends...
Tyler is hilarious! He's such a good person... i hope that one day he'll be happy too.

I love how we can joke around. I love how natural it feels to talk to you. I feel like i can tell you just about anything.

I love how you wanted to invite me to red deer.
I want to see your past.
I want to see the people you love.
I want to know you better.


I can't believe that no girl has ever treated you this nice.
I really can't believe it.

I'm sorry, but those girls were stupid.

If you have something precious, treat it like so.

If you don't appreciate what you have, it will eventually slip through your grasp.

Like hell i'm letting you go.
You're precious to me, and i'm going make damned sure you know it.


Who on earth is stupid enough to let go of such an amazing person?


Sorry. I'll stop bashing.


Btw... i really like your cologne. Haha, is that weird?

When you hug me it's really warm. I pretty much melt. (not in a swoony way!)
It's cute how you have the 'strong man' look, yet you have such a weakness for the cold.

I promise next time i'll hug you to warm you up.
Or i'll just make you blush.

One of the two.

Remember today when we were hugging on the couch in sub?
Your neck was so warm. I remember that because i couldn't help but bury my face into your neck.
I felt safe.
I like hugging you.
My arms are the perfect length to wrap around you.
You're at the perfect height too! my head rests nicely on your chest.

I look forward to the day when I can fall asleep to that heartbeat.



Since you told me a little secret, i'll tell you one as well:
My favourite part is when you press your face against my hair and hug me tightly. It makes me feel warm, protected, and adored. It makes me feel like you want to get closer even though it's physically impossible.



I'm Cinderella, and you're Prince charming.
We've finally found each other,
Now we're dancing.

"See the lights; see the party the ball gowns.
See you make your way through the crowd to say hello...
Little did i know
that you were Romeo" - Taylor Swift, "Love Story"

Thoughts About Today.

You are such a brave person. Truly and honestly.
You find the strength and courage to keep going even though you've been hurt so many times.

Living takes more courage than dying.

When you told me about how you were bullied and saw your name carved into the bathroom stall with insults, my heart broke for you.

I've never been bullied. Well, not to that extent anyways.

I can't even begin to imagine what it was like.
How much it hurt.
The fact that you're still here today smiling is an amazing thing.
I don't think I would be able to do that.


I told you today that I'm not afraid of death.
I'm not.
I'm happy that if I were the one on the bed, you would be there to stop me from pulling the plug.


I don't know how you do it. You keep going even when it honestly feels like there's no hope. You turned your life completely around when most people would say there's no future for you.


You told me about who you used to be. I can't see anything of that person in you today. I can't ever imagine you hurting another person physically. I can't even imagine you saying hurtful words.

How do you do it?

I wish I had the same courage as you...
I'm pathetic. My life seems like rainbows and sunshine compared to yours, yet you're the one who would fight tooth and nail to live and i'm the one who would pull the plug.

I'm glad we hung out today.
We learned a lot about each other today.
I was scared to open up to you because I thought you would hate the darker me.
Even though you've probably only seen a glimpse of that part of me, you didn't hate me for it. You understood.

And you opened up to me too.

Obviously there are things that we'll tell each other at a later date, but I'm glad that you know me a little better. I'm glad I know you better too.


I'm sorry for everything you had to go through in junior high and high school. I'm sorry you didn't have the amazing friends you have today. I wish I had been there so you wouldn't have hurt as much. I hope I can be there in the future if you're ever hurt like that again.


You give me real hope. Not those simple little things they post on GMH.com, you truly and honestly give me hope.


You're slowly restoring the faith I had lost in humanity.
You remind me that there's still good in people even though I rarely see it.


I admire the way you're trying to change. You don't drink anymore (with exception for special occasions) and you study so hard.

You love your siblings. You have such a brother complex.

You told me that I had a big heart. I don't think that's true. Compared to you, i'm conceited and selfish.

You see the good in everyone, even when you see the bad, you accept them for who they are.

You didn't recoil when I told you that I wouldn't care if I died. You didn't recoil when I told you how terrible a daughter I am. You just told me 'it makes me want to hug you'.

Do you know how much that meant to me?

It told me that you didn't care about my past or my bad side.
It told me that you were okay with me as a person and you still liked me for I am.




How do you do it?


I won't lie.
When you accidentally slipped 'I can't wait until you meet my mom', it made me happy.
It meant that you saw me in your future... no matter how you tried to cover it up with your 'i mean, if you do...'

I actually want to meet your mom.

I want to go up to her and hug her and tell her 'you raised a wonderful son. No matter how hard your life was, you should be proud that you raised such an amazing human being.'

You laugh and tell me that I remind you of your mom except that I'm younger and asian. I have a mom instinct, but you have a dad instinct too.

I can imagine you as a dad. The minute you told me about those little kids at the place where you volunteer I could picture you as a dad.

I know you want to be a dad too. You told me that if you were able to have kids and live a happy life, you would be okay with dying.

You're looking for Cinderella.

I'm at the ball. I'm just waiting for the clock to strike twelve.

A Matter of Time.

I haven't cried like that for over 4 months.

It hurts less to cry by yourself than to cry around people who don't give a fucking shit.

Relapse.

I'm so tired of this same shit over and over, if not, i'm going to relapse.


and i don't want to go back to that period in my life.

Christmas Wish.

You're so sweet.

Honestly when I look at you I see the kindest, sweetest man on earth.
You're the epitome of goodness in this world.


I feel like i'm not worthy to even be considered by you.

I had so much fun tonight... I've never laughed and smiled so much in the course of 4 hours.

We joked and talked about random things and there always seemed to be a laugh from you or a smile.



I'm so scared that you'll see the darkness in me. I'm not the person you think i am.

You think i'm a sweet girl who sees the good in everything and has a passion for music.

But you don't see the part of me that hates the world and just wants to sit secluded in a dark room forever.
You don't see the part of me that wants to die.


If you see that part of me, would you still like me?

Do you even like me?

I like you... I really do.
You give me hope in a hopeless world.
You stand for everything the light side of me believes in.


I loved that moment when we were laughing quietly with our foreheads touching and our giggles muffled in the middle of that giant concert hall. I loved standing next to you and feeling you towering over me and your body heat warming me against that god forsaken cold draft. I loved hearing you sing. I loved talking with you and feeling like I could be both the nerdy me and the kid me.

I love how you understand me.


I love how you make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world without trying.


And you're doing all of this in the position of 'a friend'.

I love how you don't care about our age difference. I love how you laugh at my terrible jokes. I love the way your eyes crinkle when you smile.



I'm so scared that i won't be enough for you.
I'm scared that you'll see me as some immature first year girl who doesn't know the first thing about life.

I love how you're such a romantic at heart. I love how you're not ashamed of who you are. I love how i felt safe when you hugged me at the lrt station. I love how you tried to warm me up when i was shivering in my boots. I love how nerdy you are. I love how you stayed up until 6 in the morning finishing your essay just so you could come with me to the concert tonight.


You're amazing. You truly are.

The only word that i can think of that describes you is genuine.

You are like the purest light that shines through the clouds on a overcast day. You see the good in people and you accept them for who they are.


Can you accept me?


I hope you can. Because i think that if you were to suddenly walk out of my life, it would break my heart.


I've only known you for less than a month and have hung around you in person for less than 24 hours and this is what I've become.


You're special. Whatever girl let you go was clearly an idiot. She didn't know what she was losing.

I'm scared... but i can only trust and believe that you will like me for who i am.


Whatever will come, will come. I just hope that my future has you in it M.K.

That's all i'm wishing for this Christmas.

Soldier it.

I'm scared.

Of what we could become, or what we can't.


This is exactly why i'm more comfortable wishing from the sidelines.
I can give advice, but when it comes down to it, i'm just as helpless as anyone else when this situation rolls around in my life.

Just gotta soldier on.

Okay.

It's enough to just close my eyes and feel the wind on my face,
because i know that's the closest i'll ever come.


And that's okay with me.

Fairy Tale.

I'm losing it.
I think i really am.
Or maybe i've just stopped caring?
I've always wondered what this would feel like but honestly now that i have a taste of it, there's a part of me that wants to revert back.

and before you say it: no, i haven't lost my mind to my dreams. I wish i have.



I know i've said before that i've long since stopped caring about what other people think... and that's true... partially.

There was a small part of me that still cared.
That still hurt and wanted to crawl into a deep dark corner and cry my heart out.

But i think i've really stopped caring...
or at least not as much.

Maybe i'm growing up?
because learning that you can't please everyone in life is part of growing up.


Or maybe it's because i was hurt so much from before that i'm numb.

Today was the first day that i heard my dad say that if he could go back in time, he never would have married or had kids.

It hurt. but not as much as i thought.

I ended up going on youtube to watch glee while my parents continued arguing.


I'm sorry i'm not wanted.



But i'm not sorry that i've always wanted to leave from day one.
I think my mom knows it too.
She knows i hate it here.

She knows i want to move to another country.
She didn't even say 'if'.
She just said that she wants me to finish my education here in Canada first.


But i'm not completely heartless.
I don't want to leave my parents behind.
Who will take care of them when they get old?
Not my brother clearly.

The sad thing is, i find myself WISHING that the world will come to an end.



How sad is that?

But at the same time, i'm still living in an alternate reality.

It's the only way i get through everyday.



I just want my fairy tale to come true.

Days to Live For.

Sometimes, Sometimes...

It's those days that i live for.

When i'm walking alone,
under this big blue sky
that looks as if the clouds
have been painted with the brilliant
vibrant watercolors of heaven.
As if God himself
took a paintbrush and made
sweeping strokes across the sky
so that each cloud looked smooth,
beautiful, surreal,
glowing in the soft hues of
rose, orange and azure.

When the wind caresses your face
with a soft and gentle breeze.
Neither bitter nor harsh,
but the cool hand of a lover.
It comforts,
it strokes,
it heals.

It is these days that i live for.
The days where i can look up
and i can see my dream.

Where i can think to myself
I'm home
and believe it
for at least a moment.

Song.

There's a song for it now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcecmEa0NEg

Daydream.

It's strange.
The type of music that would give most normal people a pounding headache,
gives me the ability to daydream better than ever.

All I Need.

Where is the safest place for me?

I'm tempted to answer that question with two answers; answers that no one but me will like.

I'm safest when i live only in other people's memories.
A memory cannot change.
It is there forever, unchanging and unrelenting.
The emotions, the words, the feelings, the warmth, the sadness...
it all stays the same.
There are bad memories too, but there are also many good ones.
It is through the experiences in our memories that we begin to truly cherish those around us.
If i lived only in someone else's memories, i would be however they wanted to remember me as forever.
I could be kind, cute, funny, mean, bitchy or a combination of all of those...
but i would never change.
I would stay the same...

and no one could touch me.

Of course... to live only in memories has the implication that i wouldn't be alive anymore. Which i guess would be a big...factor.

The second answer would be locked away inside my dream world.
or in other words, locked up inside my own mind.

Here, i have everything that i've ever wanted.
Here, i am happy.
Here, no one can touch me.

In my dream world, Az is there.









and Az is all i need.

Who.

Sometimes i wonder if it was me who changed,
or you.

Broken.

I'm really pissed off.

I don't know why you're always like this. I don't even know why you're so pissy about me working.

First of all,
there's nothing wrong with working at taste of edmonton.
'It's not a good job for you' oh really? then PLEASE, enlighten me. what IS a good job for me?
All i'm trying to do is earn a little extra money and you won't even let me do that, and you always complain that i don't work enough.
Then you fucking tell me that i don't know how to look for a job, which then leads you to say i don't know how to write a resume, then you go on to say
'you're a university student now and you don't even know how to think for yourself.'

EXCUSE ME?
Don't know how to think for myself?
do you even KNOW what the fuck i do in my life?

Do you think i'm just fucking around for jolly's sake?

Okay, fine, i can admit that i might not be going about the job hunting the right way.
Fine, i can admit that my resume isn't the world's finest.
But if you say that i can't think for my own fucking self,
then open your eyes.

You're too self absorbed to know me.
you don't even know your own fucking daughter.
You don't know how much i hate everything
You don't know how much i wish i could just disappear or how much i wish the world would disappear.
You don't know me.
You don't fucking know me.

You know when you yell at me?
you say i'm just arguing with you because i can.
no.
I filter out SO much of what i want to say.
So much that i've been dying to say for the past 10 years.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

Everyday
i want to just scream
because i hate it here so much
but you're my parents.
and i can't do that to you.
So i keep it in because i'd rather hurt myself than hurt you.

I know that you're just doing whatever you think is right for me.
But you never trust me.
You think i'm some stupid fool.
I'm sorry i'm not a genius.
I'm sorry i'm not the fucking daughter that you've always wanted.

The one who's the prettiest,
the smartest,
the cutest,
the most successful.

I'm sorry i'm not perfect.

I'm sorry that i always keep my damn mouth shut when you tell me all these things.
I'm sorry i never told you how much i hate it when you call me fat.
i'm sorry i never told you how much i wish i could die sometimes.
I'm sorry i never told you how much i hate you sometimes.
I'm sorry i never told you how conflicted i am between hating you as a person and loving you as my mother.

I'm sorry i'm not afraid of death.
I'm sorry i wish i had cancer.
I'm sorry that i wish i had some way out of this without me having to actively seek it.


I hate this so much.
Everytime you yell at me
There's so much i want to say, but i don't
because i know it will make things worse.
But then you misunderstand my silence for reluctant agreement
and then you assume you're right.

you're not.

and maybe i'm not either.

But this has honestly got to stop.

I'm human enough to admit that i make mistakes.
I'm human enough to admit that i can be wrong.

I'm humble enough to acknowledge the fact that you are my mother and you only want the best for me.


But are you human enough to acknowledge the fact that i am another human being capable of thoughts?


if you want whats best for me,
then you shouldn't just command it.

it's like trying to hold back a flood with wooden sticks.
everything will end up falling through.


if you wanted me to listen to you
you wouldn't criticize me at every turn.

You wouldn't constantly tell me that i'm overweight and say that no one could ever like a sloppy girl like me.
You wouldn't constantly tell me that i look terrible with my pimples.
You wouldn't tell me that i don't know how to fucking think for myself.


WELL GUESS WHAT.
NEWSFLASH.


I KNOW i'm fucking overweight, and i'm trying to do something about it. I don't need you to tell me that no one would ever like me because i have no self esteem already as it is.
I KNOW that i'm not the prettiest girl in the world with my pimples and i try to do something about it, but my skin just isn't the type to agree with me.
Okay fine. I can admit the fact that maybe it's because i lack in the daily habit of taking perfect care of my skin. But that doesn't mean that you should fucking tell me that i look ugly.
I KNOW that i don't make the smartest decisions. I'm only human. I'm not some wise genius who never makes mistakes.

But you know what?
Despite it all, i still try to love myself.

You keep pointing out all my flaws.
You make me feel like i'm the ugliest, dumbest person in the world.

IS A MOTHER SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?
TELL ME.
FUCKING TELL ME.
IS A MOTHER SUPPOSED TO MAKE HER DAUGHTER FEEL LIKE THE STUPIDEST, MOST UNLOVABLE PERSON IN THE WORLD?

no.
fucking no.

But despite it all,
i still try to love myself.

I tell myself that i can do it.
That if i try hard enough i can be pretty.
I tell myself that i can be smart.
i tell myself that someone can and will love me.

and guess what?
people do.

I'm not the prettiest.
I'm not the smartest.
But i'm lovable.

There are people in this world who love me for me.
Not for my appearance,
not for my intellect.
But for me.

You wonder why i didn't just ask for this day off?
it's true that no one else can work that day,
but kacey was the one who made this schedule.
She's been with me more than you ever have.
She's been there for me when i thought i would crumble.
She's been there through the thick and this and she's never left me once.

You've left me so many times.
Where were you when i was crying and had no friends?
Where were you when i needed support because i felt like my life was going down the drain?
Where were you when i cried myself to sleep?
Where were you when i wanted to kill myself?


you were never there.
She always was.

That's why i would do anything for her.

My friends mean the world to me and you don't understand that.
You don't understand how much i love my friends.
You don't understand that i can't help what i feel because i'm overly emotional.

It's just a family dinner. Heck, it's not even that. it's more like a house welcoming party.

i don't see why one day matters so much.
Whenever Patrick was working, you never said crap.

I don't know why you hate me working at taste of edmonton so much.

Honestly, i'm just so tired of everything.
You never answer my questions directly and it feels like i'm going in circles.
You always change the subject and just end up criticizing my faults.

Every day you put me down.
How do you expect me to feel?

How do you expect me to react?
am i supposed to go
'oh, i have to mold myself into the perfect daughter!' ???

No.
I don't know why you can't love me for me.
Am i that unlovable to you?

Maybe this is why i'm so distant from you.

My friends love me for who i am.
They see me as Trish, the girl who has an obsession with pandas and who loves to laugh and who cries with her friends when they're hurt.
They see me as a crazy, fun loving girl who is their rock when they need someone to lean on.
They see me as a girl who loves her friends more than anything in the world and who cries for them.
They see me as the chubby, cute little asian girl who stands up for what she thinks is right and doesn't care about what others think about her.



They see me for me.
and they love me for it.

So why can't you?

it's true i don't care what others think about me anymore.
I used to care so much.
I used to care because i thought if my own mother doesn't love me, then i have to make everyone else love me to prove that i am lovable.
it took me 4 years to get over that.


I'm comfortable with who i am now.
I know that i can't make everyone love me
and to anguish over the fact that some people hate me is only wasting my energy.
i can accept that other people hate me.
I can't change their minds.
I'll just keep being me, and stay true to myself because that's ultimately what matters in the end.
I have to love myself or no one will.

But you're not just anyone.
You're my own mother.
You matter in my life.
I care what you think.
So why is it that you're the one person who keeps hurting me?


I wonder when i'll be able to say all of this out loud.
I don't know how much longer i can keep it all inside.
I'm slowly dying.
Can't you see?

I know you mean well,
But you have to change the way you approach it.
Because all you're doing right now is causing the rift between us to grow more and more.

and maybe you don't know how to change it,
i can understand that.
but until you can admit that maybe you're not always right,
we can't do anything about this.

So i'll keep dying,
and you'll keep denying,
and it'll keep going,
until one of us dies.



I'm broken beyond repair.
Can't you see that?

Washed Out Fade Out.

I find myself wondering more and more how i can make that dream come true. Then i realize that it's only a dream and no matter what, it'll never happen.

It hurts when you realize you won't be the person you hope to be, and instead you're a plain, washed out everyday person whom the world won't even spare a passing glance at.

Soul.

Liatris.

I'm entrusting my soul to you.

Live my dreams for me, okay?

Good or Bad.

There's really nothing to blog about.
I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing...

Something.

There's something about you that just pisses me off.

Party!

I never thought yelling at a TV could be so much fun.
This is what happens when you mix a bunch of asians with a 2 vs 2 mario party mini game.

Slip Away.

It's slipping away.
I don't think it'll ever come back.
Why?




Why can't i dream like i used to?

Growing Up.

It's so strange having nothing to do.

It's even stranger thinking that i'm officially done high school, and i'll probably never go back unless i'm visiting whaley.

Where did all the time go?
When did i grow up?
DID i even grow up?



...doubt it.

So close.

Look,

it's what you've always wanted,

but always out of reach.

To Myself.

I've decided to keep my dreams to myself a little while longer.

Book of Dreams.

I think...
I will start writing a book.

Not just any book,


But a book of my dreams.

That's Life, I Guess.

I spoke to a friend today
about his problems
about being accepted,
about knowing who you are and what you want,
about the future.

I learned a lot in that conversation.
I learned things about me that I've only ever briefly thought about before.
Or rather, it's not that i learned something new,
it's more like the action of verbalizing it made it more concrete.

It's true.
I like being alone better than I like having company around.
I like sitting alone in a room with my own thoughts and in my own little world.

I'm a dreamer.
I have no grip on reality whatsoever.
Sometimes i wonder if i'll just drift away one day,
never to come back.
I live in my dream world more than i live in reality.


It's really not healthy.
I'm too attached to this make-believe world that I've created from the depths of my mind.

I need to ground myself with something or someone.
I can't keep staring off into the distance
and let this dreamer in me grow bigger and bigger everyday.

I'm so scared that one day,
I won't be here anymore.
Mentally.

Have you ever made yourself believe in something so strongly
that it made you cry?
even when you knew
that it wasn't true,
and that it was you, yourself that was making it up?



I have.


I have the power to make myself believe anything i want.
I can make my dreams become so real, that they feel almost nostalgic sometimes.



I guess
that's why i like being alone.
Because when i'm alone, i can believe what i want without feeling guilty.
I can make myself believe that no one will miss me.
I can make myself believe that i'm surrounded by the forests and plains in my dreams.
I can make myself believe that i'm seeing a world untouched by industry and civilization.



I would do anything to make my dreams real.
I would give anything to fly, to be able to run in a field of ever green and flowers.
I would give anything.


I would give anything to be able to laugh and smile like i do in my dreams.
I would give anything to make those dream people real.


It's so beautiful.
But i am not naive.

My dreams still have hurt, and pain, and sadness.
There is no happiness without sorrow.


For it is through pain, hurt, sadness, and sorrow, that we learn kindness, compassion, love, and joy.


I wonder if there is a place after death.

We talked about that too.

About death.


I am not afraid of death.
I am not afraid to let it claim me when the time comes.

But i am afraid of watching death claim someone else.
Someone i love.

I'd rather die than let someone i love die.
I'm not a martyr.

It's just that i'm not afraid to die and let someone else who actually wants to live, live.
I'd rather give up my own life for someone else who doesn't want to die yet.
Because i all honestly,
if i was dying, i wouldn't bother trying to save myself.

I'm not suicidal.
I'm just simply not afraid of the darkness.
I like the darkness.

The only reason i would be reluctant to die,
would be because of the pain i would cause people,
if any pain at all.

Death is a part of life isn't it?
We're all going to die in the end...
Does it really matter when?

Those who don't accept death will find it harder and more painful to pass on than those who have.
If i knew i was going to die, i would not spend days crying over it.
I would cry once, and be done with it.

Because even if i have accepted death,
leaving behind people you care about is never easy.

Perhaps i am immature.
Perhaps i think i am mature by saying all this.
Perhaps i am immature because i don't fully understand what death really is.


I don't know.


But i'll never know until i face it right?
Haha, by then i guess, it will be too late.
Doesn't it suck?
That one moment of utter clarity where we actually finally accept everything, and understand everything...
comes right before we leave the one place where it matters.

How ironic.

But that's life i guess.

Preference.

I'm glad to be leaving everything behind.
To be honest i really didn't like it.
There were some good times, don't get me wrong...


But i think in the end,


i just prefer being alone so much more.

No Heart.

It was just a fling.
Only a rebound.
Haha. That's right, i said it.
I knew it, but i never said it.
Because in fear of saying it, i would break my fragile, little heart.

But i didn't,
because i discovered
that i had no heart.

Love.

It was sort of odd really...

Last night i had this fleeting feeling of holding a baby in my arms.

And for some reason, it seemed really nostalgic.
Like i'd done it before.
Like it was the most natural thing in the world.


I actually sat there for quite a long time trying to remember if i actually HAD done something like that before.

I don't mean just holding a baby, because clearly i've done that several times,
but
actually openly expressing my love for a baby

I don't openly express my affections for babies with other people around
i'm just not comfortable with it,
but i've always loved them so much
I've always had this paternal instinct


But it was weird.
Just...
for a moment i could FEEL the softness of the baby's skin.

and i actually felt love

I don't know why i suddenly felt like that.

Maybe i was hallucinating.


But either this is a memory that i can't remember...
or my dreams are becoming too real.

Empty.

I'm so tired.
Being emotionless is so tiring.

It takes up so much energy to not feel anything. But it's not like i know any other way to cope.

Whenever i don't know how to deal with something, or if i'm hurt by something... i turn off all my emotions.

I just stop feeling.
and it saves me the pain,
but at the same time
It makes me so tired.


Tired of everything.
The desire to just go to sleep and never wake up is incredible.


Some people cry,
Some people scream.

I just turn everything off and become a empty shell.

Illusion.

It's hard pretending.

Repeat Infinitely.

Haha...
can you believe it?
For the first time since i've put up this ridiculous facade
i actually let loose a few tears.

I'm so tired of dealing with all of this.

I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.



I'm tired of being strong when really all i want to do is crumble.
I'm tired of looking like i don't care when i care more than anyone else.



And i'm especially tired
that this is just a terrible record on repeat.

Care Not.

I don't want to say anything
because you are my own mother

But what you're doing is not right.

Sometimes,
you have to admit that you're wrong.


Sometimes,
you have to stop and listen.


Sometimes,
you have to take your head out of your damn ass.



I'm not 'going against you' like you would probably say if i were to open my mouth,
I'm not 'taking his side',
Nor am I 'trying to argue' with you.


I'm telling you what I see from a third person POV.


But,
i'm trying to be understanding
because you're apparently going through early menopause caused by your radiation treatments.


Sometimes i wonder if it would've been better had you divorced after all.
There would be less arguing that's for sure.

But i don't think i could choose.

I couldn't choose dad because i'm worried about your health and i don't want you to go back to work with a weak body,
and at the same time, i couldn't choose you because dad has sacrificed so much already for all of us, and if there's anyone in this world who knows true depression, it's probably him, but yet he's still the most optimistic out of all of us.


So i'm stuck sitting here,
typing my feeling onto this blog.


I hope that one day i'll have to courage to say this stuff out loud.

I haven't done so in a long time,


Last time i did,
you took me to a psychiatrist for depression.




I want so much to just yell out
something...
anything.


It's not fair.

But then again, when has God ever bothered to care?

Get Out.

This is frustrating.

Can't wait till i get out of here.

Death With Wings.

There's a fucking mosquito in the house


and i'm freaking paranoid.

Wish.

Sometimes
I just wish i could cry.

Play the Fool.

I don't want to see you

Because that might mean that this feeling that i have

where i think i'm okay

will crack away

and leave me back at square one.

I don't want to see you because i'm scared i'm not okay.

And it's easier fooling myself and others than it is facing reality.

Only Me.

I remember why being alone was better now.


I remember how much i hated people.


I remember how much i wanted everything and everyone to just disappear.





Because in the end,
if there's only me
then i have only myself to hate.

Graduate of 2011

Patricia Wong
Graduate of the M.E LaZerte 2011 class.
IB Certificate
Honors with Distinctions
Top Instrumental 30 Student Award
Alexander Rutherford Scholarship
University of Alberta Early Acceptance


Damn straight.
I'm so proud of myself.



I did it.

Did you see that?



I really did it.



This just goes to prove
that anyone can accomplish something if they try.

Butt Out.

can you butt out of my business?
kthxbye.

Heal.

I think i'm slowly healing.

You don't hurt as much anymore.

Speeders!

DX kinda have a headache from the damn helmet...
but had lots of fun nonetheless =D
Me likes Speeders :D:D

Ice.

Loving you is like skating on thin ice.
When it holds, the wind and freeness carry away everything, but there's always that uncertainty as to how long it will last.
When it breaks, i fall into the cold waters below and i slowly drown in the bitter cold.

Fun.

Had lots of fun today :)

Food + Friends = Good time. XD

i enjoyed the chance to dress up too ;)

Someone.

I couldn't have ended my high school music life any better.
Tonight was just freaking amazing.
I can't believe how far we've come. It's scary to think that 6 years ago, i picked up a flute for the first time.
But it's even scarier to think that in a few years, i'll lose contact with all of these wonderful musicians that have become an irreplaceable part of my life.

They say that high school is the golden years.
In some ways it is, in some it isn't.
My high school life could've been better,
there were lots of tears, goodbyes, pain, and sadness
but
there were also lots of laughs, loves, and smiles.

And i guess in the end,
i wouldn't change it for the world.




I'm so proud of myself.
For the first time in my life,
i'm proud of myself.
and i'm happy.
Genuinely happy.
When i was walking across that stage tonight...
i couldn't stop smiling.



I felt like i accomplished something.



I'm so proud of myself.


P.A.L.S President Award.
Wow. Haha.
'Most promising student'
I'm...
honestly really proud of myself.
I can finally say that i've accomplished something in my life.
I've left my mark.
When i left londonderry,
I left behind my name on two trophies.
Female Athlete of the Year (Gr. 8) and Music Student of the Year (Gr. 8 as well).
Now, as i leave M.E LaZerte,
i leave behind my name on one trophy:
The PALS President Award (Gr. 12)

I can only hope
that when i graduate University,
i will leave behind a mark there as well.
As proof of what i have accomplished,
as proof of my dedication,
my aspirtations,
my dreams,
my goals,
my life.


I will leave behind a mark.
Then,
instead of just being another nobody.
I can say:
Look. I was here. I am SOMEONE.

Because...
in the end,
that's all we want isn't it?


To be someone in this world.
To be someone to someone else, to be someone who is remembered.
To be forgotten is the worst fate a person can suffer.
To die alone, with no one to care.


I refuse to follow that cursed fate.
I will be someone.



Just you wait.

Dreaming.

In the end i didn't cry.

I didn't cry because the moment when i was alone and i knew i could cry as much as i wanted, i knew that crying wouldn't do me any good.

This always happens.
Sigh.

I wish for once i could just let everything go and like cry my heart out. The last time i did that was back in march when the stress got to me.

But then again, the difference is, back then i had someone to listen to me.



I'm in this really... nostalgic phase right now i think.
Everything's passing by in a blur.
I keep dreaming about the past.
And i don't mean the recent past. In fact, i haven't dreamt about anything shorter than 2 years ago. (if that makes sense. not very coherent right now.)
It's strange...
and at the same time, saddening. Just a little bit.
Because it hurts.


I was so naive.
God. It's laughable now in hindsight.
I just thought that things would always be great.
That no matter what, i would always be happy.
I would always have billions of friends and we would always be together.
But then things changed.
I changed.
And suddenly I didn't like them as much anymore.
I didn't think they were that fun anymore.
And so i moved on.


Why am i dreaming about the past now?
Why am i dreaming about people i've left behind?
They say when you are dreaming, whatever it is that you dream about is what you secretly long for.
Then i guess i'm lonely.
I must be.
Or else i wouldn't be having these nostalgic dreams.
That make a distant part of me ache with sadness.




I need to do something about this.

Cry.

I feel like crying.

I don't know what i'm going to cry about.
But i know for sure that i'll cry for a long time.




Cry about everything that's happened.
Cry about how frustrated i am.
Cry about how stressed i was.
Cry about how i'm such a freaking defect.



I just need to cry.





I wish someone was here for me.

Immature.

Looks like i'm going without dinner tonight because you're so FUCKING IMMATURE.



Grow up.

Sigh.

Sigh.
Now this is an incredibly delayed reaction.

Is it alright to say now that i miss you?


or perhaps it's because i'm in such a bad mood and i want someone to comfort me like you used to.

Most likely.



But still.
Sigh.

Knowing.

It hurts
being compared to someone else
and knowing that you will never
never be half as good as them.

Desire.

I'm not suicidal.
I've past that stage.
I'm not emo or depressed.
I've past that stage as well.

I'm just tired.
The ever-growing desire of wanting to just sit in the corner of a dark, empty room is overwhelming.

I want to be alone in the dark.


I'm not running away.
I'm not pushing people away.
I'm not being 'childish' or an 'attention seeker'.

I just need the darkness.
It comforts me so much.

If people can't understand that...
That's fine.

I never asked for anyone to understand it.



All i asked for was for someone to come open the door once in a while and take me outside.
Someone to be there.
But also someone who knows when to leave me alone.
Who lets me have the darkness.

The desire for solitude
The desire for companionship.
Conflicting values.
But equally strong.

Hate. Love.

Why do i hate the people who i don't want to hate, and care about the people who i wish i could hate?

Too Late.

"Six Billion Secrets:


Never harden your heart in order to cope.
That's what I did, and now that I'm in college, I'm that guy who everyone finds a little too cold and uncaring.

It's not that I don't care, I just forgot how to."








Too late.

Passing with Time.

I remember this stage.




But i also remember that it passes with time.


Time to sit out the storm.

Heartless.

I can be heartless too.



It's just a matter of pushing me until to that point.

Questionable.

Hmm.


I wonder why you won't tell R.V what happened.
HAHA.
I think as your friend he deserves to know does he not?
Or perhaps you don't really care if your friends know about your life.

Hm.

Whatever. LOL.


It's your life :)

Backtracking.

And it seems
that any progress that i've made
in the last few months

is slowly -
no,
rapidly
backtracking.


I'm back where i started.




But...
i guess i can't complain,
since i willingly came back.

Endless Sky.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTyUkBjCUno


It's a beautiful day... :)

Today when i stepped outside after school, i felt... strangely light.
Like i was happy... kind of.
I loved the sky today. It was so blue and endless.
It's comforting.
Just like how the darkness is endless.
I like drowning in endlessness.
It makes me more aware of myself.
It forces me to know who i am.

One day, i'm going to touch the sky.
I will.
And if i have to die to do that,
then i guess i'll just count down the days till i die.

because touching the sky is worth it.




Being free is worth it.

Ending.

I finally made a decision :)

here's what i said, word for word:

i've decided. My answer is this: I will just let things be. I won't try to be friends with you if you clearly don't want it. I'll only try if you bother to try. Whether or not you stay in my life or not doesn't matter to me anymore because it hoenstly feels to me that you would rather i just disappear anyways. If that's hte case, then so be it. But know this,
it would make me happy if i could still talk to you because you are still precious to me. You said you didn't want the memories to shatter, but what i see is that you're trying to shatter them by distancing yourself. It's up to you whether or not you want to keep the memories whole.
Well. that's my answer. See you =) i hope that in the end, things work out.


I actually had a better sounding blurb in my head, but when i finally managed to find him on my msn i'd forgotten it =(
damn me and my terrible memory.



But...

i'm happy with my decision.
Because even though he is still precious to me,
i know i will still be able go on without him in my life.


Remember this,
tomorrow will always be better, and if it isn't? well then, i guess today wasn't so bad :)


I know i will find someone else.


Don't worry if you're single,
God is probably looking down and thinking: "I'm saving this one for someone special" <3


But... i will say this:
it was good while it lasted.
He made me happy. I really did love him. He was everything i wanted in a guy.
So now all i have to do is wait until a better guy comes along,
someone who wants to be with me forever.
I say forever because even though there's no such thing, i want to believe. :)

So until then,
i guess i'm just going to have to be patient. :)


Thank you Kevin Seto, for making me happy, if only for just a little while.

I'm glad that this ending was much better than my last.


04/4/2011 ~ 01/5/2011

Let it Die.

Hm.

Well that puts things into a whole new light.

I feel kinda bad to just cut things off right now.


I guess my only option is to sit and let it die.

Talk.

For some odd reason as i left the examination room today,
I had the strongest urge just to talk to you about my exam.

Just talk. No strings attached. Just talking.
Like how it used to be.

And i realized with a start that that was pretty much all i wanted to begin with.
Not really someone to be extra special or anything,
but just someone who i could talk to.

When i was in the car, this randomly popped into my mind:
Yesterday i was in a bad mood. I didn't want to be friends. Today i am in a somewhat happier mood. I feel like being friends.


Sad that my will to be friends with people is dictated by my daily mood.

Well, we'll see how the talk continues.
If all goes well then hopefully by the end of tonight,
you can hear all about how badly i failed my chem exam.

Heartless.

Well that didn't do shit for me other than piss me off.


Fuck you.






...gah. I can't even say that without feeling bad.

Stupid stupid me.

Learn to be more heartless.

Shaking.

Why am i shaking?

Coward.

Hahaha... Patricia, you're such a coward.

Link.

I think i've figured out why i love music so much.



Have you ever heard a piece of music
that was just so beautiful, or enthralling, or even melancholic that it did not seem to be of this world?
Or even still,
have you ever heard a song in a movie that just seemed to fit the scene so naturally, so easily, that you could believe that it belonged in that make believe world?





I think...
the reason that i love music so much,
is not only because it makes me feel emotions that i usually can't,
but because it's my link to my dream world.
It's my link to home.

Mockery.

You know life is laughing at you when a fortune cookie mocks you:


"Seek friendship and you will find someone special this month"

Time Stops For No One.

There's something about this calm that makes me want to snap.
Possibly because it's not really calm at all?
it's a facade.

Something's wrong i know but for the life of me i can't figure out exactly what since i decided to sleep in this morning.

I've caught snippets of conversation in between my periods of half sleeping.
Something about my grandparents...
Something that even my brother, who could care less about stuff like this, had to help out in.


Why won't anybody tell me?


My dad is taking this day to replace the toilet in the upstairs bathroom with a new one.
Something my mom's been nagging him to do for a good part of the month now.
I guess this is his mother's day gift to her.


I don't know what it is,
but there's just something about the atmosphere that makes me want to scream out in frustration.


I just want to get everything off my chest.

My dad told me this morning he was going to visit his relatives for two weeks at the end of this month.
He's going to be gone for my commencement.
I bought the tickets already.
Fuck, this feels kinda like dejavu.
He asked me if i would be upset if he didn't attend my commencement.


I said no.
But i wanted to say yes.


I'm not so selfish as to deprive him of the opportunity to see his relatives for the first time in 10 years.

I got Honors with Distinctions for you dad. And you're not even going to be there to hear it when i cross the stage.








I'm frustrated at the IB exams coming up.
There's just so much studying to do that i won't be able to do it all.
Even after studying for 5 hours yesterday, i feel like i'll only be able to get a 50%.
Fuck.
I've already resolved to fail miserably and hope they don't charge me the $40 fine for 'not studying' even though i did study, it's just a matter of i'm 'too dumb'.
This is frustrating.






And now moving on to the third issue at hand,
I'm not going to lie,
you're starting to REALLY piss me off.

Or perhaps i'm just impatient/inconsiderate/not understanding?

You want to be friends?
well why don't you freaking talk to me then?

It's pissing me off beyond belief.

What, you think i'll break down and crumble?
I'm not that weak.

Or maybe i'm just frustrated because i want to talk to you.
The need to restore some sort of balance is gnawing at me.
Even though i can't restore what it used to be,
i need to restore something.
Or at least give it a sense of finality.


I should really decide whether or not i'm going to make the effort to remain friends.
I've realized that i had to make this decision with a little bitterness actually.
Lets take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

He had a fling,
i found out,
he said he didn't want to stay with me anymore,
i laughed because it was so ironic.
I tried to break up with him 4 times
and each time,
i relented because he cried and begged me.
So i stayed.
Then the one time he wants to break it off,
He didn't care about my opinion.
(Lesson here, boys and girls, kindness will only hurt you.)
I decided that if he wanted to be friends that we could be,
but he would have to put in the effort since he never tried when we were dating.
So i said:
If you want to be friends, i will do it, but you have to be the one to put in the effort and make it work, because i sure as hell am not going to put in any more effort after all this. Why should i try when you never did?
And so,
We drifted apart.
Apart being an understatement.
he doesn't really exist in my world really.
Just another ghost floating by.


Fast forward to the present.
I feel like i'm faced with the same situation again.
Except this time instead of feeling intense anger and bitterness,
i feel nothing.


I want to say the same thing i said back then:
If you didn't bother trying, why should i?

Because it's true.
You decided it wasn't worth it to try. Sorry, poor choice of words.
You decided that you didn't want to try anymore. Reasons still unknown to me. Or incomprehensible but known. I don't know.


I don't WANT to cut you out of my life, because you actually were precious to me.
But God help me, i will do it if i feel i need to.
I'm not going to stay in a limbo like this forever.
It's either you're in my life, or you aren't.


I'm capable of making cruel decisions you know.
Even though most people think it's impossible to just completely cut someone out of your life...
it isn't.
I've done it before,
i can do it again.


Yes, i know i'm being a coward by choosing this road,
But hey, that's one less coward you'll have for a friend, or one more coward you'll have for a friend... whatever the hell it is that you choose.

At this point, i don't really care what you think i am.
Coward...selfish...or just me.
It doesn't matter to me.
It stopped mattering the minute you said you didn't want to try anymore.



Am i being unreasonable?
I probably am.
Usually at this point people just get frustrated with me and tell me to do whatever i like.
That usually ends out with them disappearing from my life.



But the thing is, they need to understand that sometimes i don't want that ending.
I choose it because if i choose the other path, i'll just keep hurting.
It's easier to cut off a limb if all it's doing is bringing you pain and has no real functionality.


So there it is.
Everything on my mind currently at this point in time.

I don't mean to rush you,
but i would sort this out soon if i were you.
Because i'm not a very patient sport.

Before you know it, you're going to disappear from my life whether you want it or not.




So i suggest you decide quick.


Time stops for no one.

Hollow.

I wish i had someone to hold me right now...


I want this hollowness to go away

Even if just for a little bit.

Matter.

I wish i could read minds.


Does this even matter to you?

Change.

It felt weird not seeing him today.



I guess i get too settled in with routine.

Time to change.

Heart Breaker.

Why do people always assume that i'm the one who ends things?


I'm not always the heart breaker you know...






More often than naught,
i'm the one getting my heart broken.

Lid.

I wish that i could be like a normal person
and be upset.


I want to hurt.


But instead i have this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach.
The feeling i get whenever something isn't right.
The sad thing is that i KNOW what isn't right, but it's not like i can do anything about it.
And so here i am stuck with this uncomfortable feeling.



Most people would just cry, rant, and be over it.
Yet i'm stuck here feeling nothing but this unsettling feeling in my gut.


Goddamn.



What i hate the most is that i only get this feeling when i'm alone.
When i'm around other people it's gone.
When i'm around other people i'm normal.


But when i'm alone, it's back.
When i'm alone, i can't shake this damn feeling.


Fuck this.




Practice makes perfect.
I've almost perfected the art of burying my emotions and locking them up in the back of my head; in the deepest, darkest parts of my mind.

Key word being 'almost'.
The fact that i'm feeling uncomfortable means that i haven't shut the lid tightly enough on my emotions.
It means that i haven't buried it deep enough.

Hmmm... i guess there's no such thing as perfect.

I certainly hope there is though, i'd rather feel nothing than be stuck with this annoying feeling.



I hate feeling so human.

In all honesty, it makes me feel weak.


I hate being weak.



Maybe one of these days,
the darkness will swallow up everything i've buried inside me
and i'll be left
as nothing but an empty shell.


That'd be nice.

Ne.

Sabishii desu...

Easy.

It's as easy as 1, 2, 3.

But can i be that cruel?

Silence.

Sound of silence.

Let's see how long it lasts before it cracks.

Easier.

I wish i could hate as easily as i used to.




That way i wouldn't be like this.



It's easier to hate than to live with.

Falling.

London bridge is falling down...

Magic.

Well.
This is fucked up.

The trip was pretty good.
Minus that one night when the drunk guys came to our room.
But otherwise mostly good.


I don't feel like accounting every detail of this trip like i usually do because i feel like shit right now.

Actually that's a lie, i don't feel like shit.

I feel nothing.

Oh wonderful.


i didn't even cry.

What kind of person doesn't cry after a breakup?
I sincerely hope not a heartless person, otherwise my suspicions will be confirmed. Ha. Ha.



i guess...
i feel a bit angry?
i don't know...
Because when i ask myself what i feel,
it's like a big black void.
There's nothing.
And anything that appears is just swallowed up by the darkness.



I'm not gonna lie, i kinda like that.
Because it protects me.




I said that he didn't understand how i felt,
and why i liked the darkness.
And that's true.
Not even i completely understand.

The emotional part of me
is actually laughing right now.
It's a bitter laugh, but it's still a laugh.
It's going:
What the fuck? You just fucking broke up with me, and yet you're still going on about how you promised me a panda? haha... what the hell. Think before you say things. How do you think i feel right now? i don't even want it anymore. I don't want this anymore. I don't want anything to do with you anymore.



But...



That's not true.
Well, MOST of it isn't true.

A part of me doesn't want the gift, yet at the same time, i feel that it would be wrong to not accept it. Why? i don't have a fucking clue. I don't know what i'll end up doing. It's just going to be a physical symbol of hurt anyways. But it'll probably hurt me even more if i don't take it. What a dilemma.

When i said i didn't want anything to do with him anymore...
i guess that's...kinda true? kinda not true?
It's kinda true... because it would be easier for me to just completely cut him out of my life. It would hurt less, it would be easier, and it would be a clean cut.
It's kinda not true... because i know that's wrong and because i said i would be friends. Or at least try. I don't remember because i'm so fucking dead right now.



Either way... it doesn't really matter. Because i have a feeling in the end, we're just going to disappear from each other's lives anyways.


So... even though i'm a terrible person for saying this... i guess that's some sort of a consolation.




I don't know.
It would be so much easier to disappear right now.



Want to see some magic?
Close your eyes,
because when you open them, the present me will be gone,
and the me of the past will be back again.

Work.

Sometimes
things just don't go the way you want them to,
even though you've tried so hard to make it work.

Back.

I can't remember the last time that just seeing someone smile made me so happy.
I can't remember the late time i've smiled this genuinely.


Thank you,

not only for an amazing day,
but for giving me back something i'd lost long ago.

Don't Stop.

Don't stop trying.

Because once you stop trying...






it's all over.

Liar.

Just take a deep breath,

swallow your emotions,

and put on a smile




Because in the end, you're only lying to yourself.

Patience Is a Virtue.

I want to be there for you when you need someone to listen,
i don't care how much or how little it bothers you


I care.


But i guess i'll have to be patient, huh?

Worth.

I can't believe i'm crying...

Haha.
What a stupid thing to cry over.



You're not worth it.

Go Fucking Die.

Fuck you.

Seriously, fuck you.

Dear self.

You're only digging the hole deeper and deeper.
You're making yourself unhappy.

Stop thinking about the past,
Stop thinking about other's pasts.
Stop thinking in general.

Stop going 'what if'
and instead,
take things as they come.

Just because other people's lives are going down the drain right now,
doesn't mean your life has to.

You have people who care.
You're not alone.


You're being incessantly obsessive.
Let the past go.
















Now if only i could take all that to heart.

Special.

It's not that i think your dress looks ugly.
it's just that for my grad, i want to have a perfect dress.

Not a dress that looks 'okay'





I want this to be special.
It's not because i want to waste money.
do you THINK i like spending that much money on a dress?
no. i don't.
If you think i do, clearly you don't know me.


The reason i'm willing to spend that much on a dress is because i want this to be MY grad.



I'm not even angry or frustrated anymore.


I'm just upset.

Childish.

I'm so immature.

Stranger.

It feels like i don't know you anymore.

Missing You Again.

I don't know why i have this sudden overwhelming feeling.
But,
i thought you'd like to know...




I miss you.

Me.

I've decided

I'm going to stand strong.
Hold my head up high.
Because this is my life
and only i can control my emotions.
I'm not going to let it bother me because you know what?
Even though you're a part of my life,
it's MY life.

I'm not going to be that little girl anymore.

I'm going to be me. and Damn proud of it.

A Matter of Understanding.

It might not matter to you,
but it sure as hell matters to me.

Grip On Reality.

Haha...

I'm so pathetic.
Get a grip already.

Slow and Steady.

it seems like slowly


you're drifting away.

Disappear.

I've never wanted to run away so badly in my life before.





I wish everyone and everything would just disappear.

Cry.

You know what.
Like fucking honestly.

First of all, let me get it through your fucking ego bubble that this isn't all about YOU.
YOU'RE not always right.
Just because we don't argue back doesn't mean you're right.
It just means we're fucking tired of listening to you bitch all the time.

You think you know everything.
You really don't.
And when you KNOW you're wrong
you just suddenly change your point and pretend that you were arguing the right thing all along.

I'm so frustrated.
I haven't cried like that in so long.
I felt like screaming until i couldn't scream anymore.
But instead all i could do was fucking cry in the shower for half and hour before coming out and having to pretend like everything was FUCKING okay when it FUCKING wasn't.

And you know what the saddest part is?

I hate myself for hating you.
I feel like i'm an ingrateful daughter
who never listens to her mother.
I feel like i'm selfish.
I feel like i'm ugly.
I feel like i'm not good enough and never will be.

I'm sorry i'm not perfect.

And here's the kicker:

I feel like shit because i know you're probably hurting more than i am.

You've had a worse life than me.
You've had to put up with so much shit. (ie. me for 17 years)
You've had such a terrible life,
and i'm only making it worse.


I hate myself for hating you.
But
you have to understand,
life doesn't go the exactly how you think it does.
You're not always right.
You have to accept that you, too, can make mistakes.

You can't always blame us for things that go wrong.
You can't always blame us when what you predicted isn't right.
You can't always blame us for things we can't control.


Honestly...
I cried so much,
Because i hate myself.
I cried so much,
because i really do love you.
I cried so much,
because i can't change who i am.

I'm crying because you've done so much for me and i'm so ungrateful.
I'm crying because you always do so much for me and i never acknowledge it aloud.
I'm crying because i'm a terrible daughter.

I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.







So in the end,
i'm going to keep crying for the rest of my life.

Sorry.

Sigh.

I don't even want to blog about this stuff anymore, because it's all just a vicious, never ending circle.


I'm sorry i couldn't do more for you.

I'm honestly just in a terrible mood today.

Trust.

Hahahaha...


I've just realized...





I actually still don't completely trust you...












I'm sorry.

P.S

btw kacey, i think my chinese is getting infinitely better just by trying to read your blog LOLOLOL.

Who I Am.

It's ridiculous what we've all become.

I should know better than most people what time does.



And yet why am i sitting here asking the question 'Why can't we all go back to how it used to be?'

It's not that i'm incapable of moving on.
It's just i don't want to move on and leave everyone behind.

You're not the friends you used to be.
You're not the people who i thought were real.

I guess in the end it all boils down to this, huh?
Time has changed you all.
You're so concerned about status.
You're so concerned about what people think of you.
You're trying to hard to be somebody.



I'm sorry, but those things just don't matter to me.
I've overcome all that.
I'm happy with who i am, not who i try to be.



I hope that someday, you will be too.

Excitement. Terror.

I'm kind of scared.

Well, more than kind of.

I am honestly really terrified.
But i guess i'm terrified in a good way.

My mind wanders way more than i should let it. Most of the time you see me, i'm usually day dreaming about random things. And sometimes, i don't day dream about good things.

I'm scared because today i just randomly ran through a 'what if' scenario in my head.
That 'what if' was 'what if i lost you'.

And the fact that i nearly brought myself to tears just thinking briefly about it means quite a bit.

I don't think you honestly know how much you mean to me. The sad thing is, i don't know either.

You could probably say the exact same for me, and maybe it is true, but i just really really need to say this.

It's scary how much you mean to me. It's scary how much the loss of one person can cripple me. Or even the thought of it bring me to tears. It's honestly terrifying. But at the same time... i'm happy. Because that means that what i'm feeling for you isn't just some passing phase, or just a shallow emotion.

The fear of losing you doesn't necessarily mean that it's love, but that doesn't matter, because i know i do love you.

I'm so used to being empty.

It's weird to always be so happy.

Whenever you text me, i smile.
Whenever you call me, i smile.
Whenever i see you, i smile.

I'm so used to being sad, or apathetic, that i've forgotten how it felt to feel like this.


I think this time around i won't make the same mistakes.


You're not the center of my world.
You never will be.
But you will always be a part of it.


I'm going to stand on my own two feet,
But i'll know that when i can't,
there's always going to be someone for me to lean on.


I'm excited.

I can't wait to see what the future looks like =)

Free.

I feel like running.

No destination in mind,






but just running.

Because i can.








I want to be free.

Missing You.

I miss you...

Know.

I don't think i love you...



I know i love you.

Damn.

Contacts bothering me...
Dammit. This is my last pair too. i need them for the musical.

Tired...

Don't kill me when i say this...



but i'm so tired right now... i feel like falling asleep at the keyboard when i'm supposed to be doing a lab on the computer...

Expectations.

I really, really hate it when people place expectations on me.
It pisses me off like you wouldn't believe.

Even more so, i hate it when people automatically make general assumptions about me.

'Oh, that girl? she's so smart! she gets high grades all the time!'

'Patty, you're always so smart, i wish i had your grades!'

'You're so smart Patty!'

'You probably got a 100% right Patricia?'

'It's impossible for you to fail, you're so smart!'



Fuck that.
I'm not who you think i am.
Why would you even think that in the first place?


I'm not some genius.
I'm just me.

A normal person like you.

Just because i do marginally better than most people without studying doesn't mean that i'm smart. It just means that i'm really lazy and lucky.

I learn best when someone explains to me. I'm an auditory learner. I learn the most when i listen to the teacher talk during class time. That's pretty much my studying right there.

So why does everyone think that i'm so genius that passes all my courses with 90%+???

The truth is, i don't.

Currently my overall average for this semester is 88%

Wanna know why?

English 91%
Social 95%
Chemistry (AB) 83%
Chemistry (IB) 76%
Physics (AB&IB) 74%
Contemporary Music 100%
Instrumental Music 99%



Yeah. That's right. My mark is only being pulled up by my two music courses.
I'm doing terrible in all my science courses right now.
The only reason i'm doing decent at social was because the first unit was mind numbingly easy.

I hate it when people think i'm so smart...
I'm really not.
I'm just like you.


My parents always place such high expectations on me.
It pisses me off so much.

They always tell me i have to get 90%+, and when i do, they ask me why i didn't get 100%.

I get interrogated for anything under 90%.

'Are you being distracted?'
'You probably got yourself a boyfriend didn't you?!'
'It's because you hang out so much your mark is dropping'
'i told you to study hard for this last year so you can make it to university!'

WELL YOU KNOW WHAT?
NO i'm not fucking being distracted.
SO WHAT if i have a boyfriend. i HAVE A FUCKING LIFE. and he doesn't even distract me.
I HANG OUT because it gets me away from YOU.
I ALREADY GOT FUCKING ACCEPTED to university.

My average will NEVER drop below an 80%.

I'm going into the faculty of arts.
The average for arts is 78%.

Stop hounding me.

You always yell at me for how badly i'm doing in school,
what about my brother hm?

he never even got fucking distinctions.

he barely even got honors and you never yelled at him for it.


I have honors with distinctions for 2 years now, but that doesn't mean that it's my standard now.

Grade 12 is substantially harder than grade 10 and 11.

I have so many diplomas that it's not even funny, and you're telling me to get distinctions?

You never even said 'i'm proud of you' once.

Even after i brought you home my award for distinctions.

You only care about my core courses.



Don't you know that music is my only passion?

you should KNOW how much i love music.

You didn't even give a shit when i got top mark in 2/4 of my music courses.



you fucking called it chicken shit and brushed it aside because it didn't matter to you what i got in any of my option courses.




I've already done everything you wanted up till now.

You said you wanted honors all three years in junior high.
you got it.

You said you wanted honors with distinctions for grade 10 and 11.
you got it.

But that doesn't mean that i can automatically get distinctions for grade 12.

Fucking hells.

I have so much riding on this too.

If i don't get distinctions, i have to pay for my own grad dress.
If i don't get distinctions, i have to pay for my own plane ticket to hong kong, japan, and taiwan next year. Or i have to stay home.
If i don't get distinctions, then you'll never be proud of me.


Fuck it all.


I don't want to have to always do what YOU want.

What ever happened to what i want?



I can't even pursue music because of you.
I want music to be a part of my life when i grow up.

I told you i wanted to become a music teacher, you said no.
I told you i wanted to become a NORMAL reacher, you said they didn't make enough money.


I used to want to become a lawyer. But now i don't. Do you know why? it's because you've always been pressuring me to do it.


I don't want to anymore.
I want to do something i love.



I'm tired of living up to your standards.
you're never going to say you're proud of me anyways.




So why should i bother anymore?

i'm only a failure to you after all.

Glad.

I know this is stupid...
Honestly, i really do.
But it's just been a while since i've last had something like this.

Actually, i can't even compare it.
Because honestly, it's in two completely different ball parks.

It kind of scares me when you say forever.
It doesn't scare me because i don't want it, it scares me because i want it but i don't want to hope.
The last time i was promised forever, it turned out to be a lie.
He said forever, i said forever.
'Last time i told him, it wasn't just my heart he broke' (yes. that's right, i'm using a musical reference. LOL sue me. The musical is in a week!)
But...
I don't know.
I honestly don't know.
You're different.


Or at least i think you are.

I'm... finding myself to be a different person when i'm around you.
I try so hard to be normal, but then my selfish side always comes out.
I don't want to look needy or like a high maintenance girlfriend because i really dislike those people.
I don't want to become that.
But it's just so hard, you know?
When i'm around you, i just... i just start wanting more.


I want to spend more time with you.
I want to get more hugs from you.
I want to get more kisses from you.
I want you to hold me.
I want you to smile for me.

I want so much.
But i can't help but feel that i'm just being selfish and greedy.



So i don't say anything.


and i hope the feeling will go away,

but it doesn't.




It just gets stronger and stronger.
But i think i'm getting used to it now.



Hahaha... did you know that i cried last night?

It's pathetic really.
I cried because i was so looking forward to talking to you,
but i never got the chance.

I don't know if you knew i was upset or not,
but i felt like i acted like such a bitch in my texts.

I don't even know why i was so upset i didn't get to talk to you.
A few nights ago i told you that it didn't really bother me if i didn't get to talk to you for one day, and i said that because i really meant it.
It doesn't bother me.
In fact, it's probably good for us because you have your life and i have mine.

But then i just got upset last night...
and as much as i wish i could blame it on pms, i can't. because i'm not pms-ing.



It scares me a bit to see what i'm slowly becoming.

I need to control myself.


Stop wanting.
Start giving.

Stop needing.
Start understanding.

Stop pouting.
Start thinking.


After i cried - i don't really know if you can call it crying, because it was only a few tears - i just lay there and thought to myself: 'how pathetic can you be?'


This wasn't anything to cry over.
It was done out of good intention, so why was i so upset?

I need to grow up.

and i don't want to make you indulge my every whim either, because that's not going to do me any good.

In a way i'm kind of glad that you pushed me to go to sleep.

Because i know that you won't spoil me rotten, and that you will put your foot down if you have to. Also that you always try to do things for me with good intentions.



Don't worry about this.

It's just something that i have to sort out myself.

Don't feel bad.
And don't apologize for making me cry either.



I'm glad i got a wake up call.
And i'm glad i got it from you.

Slowing Down.

Is there something you're not telling me?

Well. Either way,

my next move is based off of what i've been feeling from you.








Time to slow things down.

Error.

I sent the email.

and then i went to fb to leave the group.




"Leaving the group will prevent members from re-adding you, would you still like to proceed?" yes.

"There was an error processing your request."


LOL.

i seriously...
just loled.


But the second time worked though.


I guess this is it.




It's finally over.

Hurts.

The reason why i'm trying so hard to think of a loophole in all of this crap,
the reason why i'm asking you to answer me selfishly,
the reason why i'm doing all of this...


is because i actually want to go back one last time
to the place where we started this.




It hurts to know that i won't be able to go back to the place where we first met, and where we first became friends.







It also hurts because i want to kiss you one last time at the same place we kissed for the first time.









Hahaha...




I'm so fucking pathetic.

Why?

Why does it feel

like we've grown more distant even though

in name we've grown closer?

Peace.

You have no idea how angry you just made me.

Things weren't so bad before, but then you blew it out of proportions.





You better believe i'm going to give you a piece of my mind.

Okay.

Hahahaha...


I need to talk to you.
I need someone to tell me it's going to be okay.

Lost.

Doesn't change anything?


...doesn't it already feel like something's been lost?

Not.

Haha...
I guess this just goes to show that i'e finally conquered my fear of being hated.


Because honestly right now,
I think i'm okay with it.



I made my choices,
you make yours.

I chose this because i felt that it would benefit me more in the end.
If you can't accept that then that's okay with me.
Because that means you never understood me in the first place.


But i will say one thing:
I may not be your most favorite person in the world right now,
but don't you dare involve people who aren't a part of this.
Otherwise i really will show you how cruel i can truly be.



Don't make me show my real self.
Because i can guarantee that you won't like it.






I'm not the girl you think i am.

Sorry.

I'm okay with being yelled at.
I'm okay with being hated.
I'm okay with all of that.


But what i'm really scared about is losing you.

I know you're reading this.




Please know this...



I'm so sorry...

Perfect.

Pretty pretty please,
don't you ever ever feel,
like you're nothing,
you are perfect...
to me.





Amazing song. Seriously.

Frustrated.

-sigh-

I'm just so frustrated right now.

Please.

Sometimes i wonder what would've happened had i actually said yes when you asked me out...




I'm sorry i can't make you feel better right now.


You mean the world to me.

Please feel better...

Stupid.

Haha... oh god.


I"m so stupid...

I hate this.

Sorry.

I lied to you.

I'm sorry.

Patience.

I'm happy that i finally understand where we stand, and what we are to each other.






I'm waiting.

Stop.

Stop it.



Just...











Stop it.

FML.

Fuck my life.

Fuck my life.

Fuck my life.

Fuck my life.











Just...
Fuck my life...





I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm so tired of everything.













Fuck it all.

Scared.

I can't remember the last time i was this scared of telling someone something.



I'm shaking.


But,
I'm going to do it.



Because i know that if i don't,
i'm never going to be able to move forward.
and i can't stop in life.
Because time won't stop for me.

Cowardly.

Do or die.



All it takes is 2 buttons.

So why can't i just get this over with?












I'm such a coward.

Pathetic.

Haha...

i'm so pathetic.

Hate.

It's crunch time you guys.
Lets get moving.
We've got so much to do and so little time...





Literally.



So why don't you pick up the pace, and actually do something for once,
because right now, you're not helping anyone, and you're just going to embarrass yourself in the end.




I love music.
Don't make me hate it anymore than i do right now.





Don't make me hate the one thing that makes me happy.

Weak.

You're making me cry...

Damn it.





I thought i wasn't this weak.

Contradict.

You said you wanted to be there for me to make things better whenever i was sad.

You said you would always be there for me when i needed it.


You also said that it was because i was such a great friend, that you wanted to protect me.




Would you believe that what you just made me sad?

Because i don't want to just be your friend.


I'm happy... but i'm sad.

Because i don't know if you see me the same way i see you.

Again.

I feel so empty right now...



Is anything worth it anymore?
Is anyone worth it anymore?




I don't even know why i'm feeling like this.


Fuck.

Stupid.

Haha...

i'm just being stupid.


just like always right?


Stupid, stupid me.

Take Over.

Boy,

you've already wormed your way into my heart

and taken over it.

Against the Odds.

I wonder if you know how much you mean to me.


Do you know that the reason i stand so close to you is because it makes me feel safer?

Do you know that the reason i always text you is because you can make my day with just one sentence?

Do you know that even though i said i wouldn't like someone until after i finished high school, you somehow managed to worm your way into my life, and now you're someone who i always look forward to seeing?



Can you read between the lines?

Do you know what i'm trying to say?


How the hell did you make me like you so much?

Trapped.

you've got me wrapped around your finger now.

It's all up to you what happens between us.

Not Because.

I'm not crying because the Episode was sad.


I'm crying because i know exactly how she feels.





I'm crying because that's me.

Things Fall Apart.

No. Not the novel. But the title of Achebe's novel really does describe how i feel.

Things are falling apart.
Bit by bit,
pieces are drifting away
until all that's left is the scared little girl quivering underneath her shell.

I don't want to come out of this wall i've built.
But lately, stress has been getting to me and i've found that little by little,
i'm slowly revealing more of who i really am.

and i don't want to.

It's true. I dislike people in general.
Is that really a problem?
Why is it people always ask me
"Whats wrong?"
when i'm just being me?
and yet when i put up a fake smile
and lie to the world
no one bothers to look past it and ask me genuinely why i'm sad.

I need my alone time more than anything.
That's when i sort out my thoughts and feelings and prepare myself for another day.
I haven't had that time for a while now.
and i'm slowly falling apart.
I don't have the energy to keep trying to put up a facade so that people don't worry.
The only reason i do it is because this is how you guys are used to me
and if i suddenly drop it,
it'll hurt everyone.
Not because they don't like me for me,
but because they will blame themselves for not seeing past it all.

I don't think i could do that to everyone.
Because you guys mean more to me than the world.

When i was alone,
you guys were there.
When i cried,
you guys were there.
When no one else cared,
you guys cared more than everyone i knew combined.

I really hate talking about my emotions to my family
and i have no vent other than at school.
but i can't vent to you guys all the time,
otherwise you'd just get fed up with all my shit.
But that's the truth i guess...
there's just so much that i keep in
because i can't say it out loud.

I can't even begin to describe just how much my friends mean to me.
And yet, when they're sad, i don't do anything about it.
I know that everything is just a lie.
You guys aren't really as happy as you look or act.
I know that you're depressed.
But i just don't know how to approach you.
I want to help.
I really really do.
But what can i do?
All i'm doing now is trying to stay by your sides and make sure that you know i'm here if you need me.
But is that really enough?

Things aren't falling apart for only me.
It's crunch time for everyone else too.

Why should i expect people to care for me,
when in reality,
it seems like i don't care for them?

I hoping that this will all blow over soon.
Because God knows,

There's only so much one can take before falling.

Love.

...i think i love you...





but do you love me too?

Do You?

I shouldn't hope. I really shouldn't.


but you're giving me hope.



I wonder, do you even like me the way i like you?

I cried.

I Don't Know Anymore.

Fuck this.

I don't think i can stand it anymore.




I want to sit in a dark room and just stare at the wall.



I want to cry.


And i want you to make it better.



I hate feeling like this.






P.S. Feel better.

Anger.

You know.
I'm starting to really hate you.

I probably don't mean this.
And i'll probably regret ever saying this.
But seriously.
Sometimes i wish you were never my mother.
And more often than naught,
i wish that you could just disappear.

Don't.

Don't give me hope. i don't think my heart could take it.

It's funny.
because i remember when i first saw you i thought to myself:
'he's kinda awkward looking...'
and i shrugged it off, because who was i to judge when i'm not so hot myself?
then i got to know you a little better,
not by much,
but just a little bit.
Then after a while i found myself smiling more around you without having to try.

I actually told myself early on when i realized i kinda liked you that things probably wouldn't work out.
and i'm hoping i'm just reading into it too much right now,
but every time i wonder about what my answer would be if you actually asked,
it's turning out to be 'yes' more and more.
Haha. I'm so confused.
Because being with you would cause so much trouble,
and there's just so much standing between us.

But i want to risk it all.

I know if we do actually go out
that it probably won't last very long.
But i think i'm willing to risk it all
for being happy for just a little while.

It's strange.
Because you're pretty much nothing like the guys i usually like.
and the age gap... well, lets not go there. (it's not that bad... but still. awkward.)
Yet, it doesn't really matter to me after i think about it.

I just hope that i'm reading too much into it.
Because i know that if nothing happens,
these things will just blow by.

Please don't give me hope.
Even though i want it,
please don't.

Music.

I've resorted back to finding solace in my music.

It's sad to say that i live more in my fantasy world than i do in reality.
Do you know that every moment in my life that i'm not talking, i am dreaming?
I'm dreaming because i've gone past my limit and where i'd rather live a lie and delude myself then acknowledge the truth even though deep down, i know it.

I think that's one of the reasons why i like music so much.
Because every song has an emotion tied to it, and from that emotion, you can dream up so many different realities.
Music is a medium for me and my fantasy world.

I'm hoping that one day i will be able to make my dreams a reality.
And if that's impossible,
then i hope that one day i will be able to play the music that allows others to escape their pain for only a little while and find their own solace.

Worth.

It's reasons like this why i prefer to be alone.

Because even though you are one of the closest people to me,
you just proved to me that i'm not trusted.

You just proved that i wasn't worth it.

And that hurts.

I know it shouldn't bother me, because worrying about this stuff is useless.
But it does bother me.
Even though i like and prefer being alone,
doesn't mean that i never feel unhappy when i'm alone.

Because i'm only human as well.