Magic.

Well.
This is fucked up.

The trip was pretty good.
Minus that one night when the drunk guys came to our room.
But otherwise mostly good.


I don't feel like accounting every detail of this trip like i usually do because i feel like shit right now.

Actually that's a lie, i don't feel like shit.

I feel nothing.

Oh wonderful.


i didn't even cry.

What kind of person doesn't cry after a breakup?
I sincerely hope not a heartless person, otherwise my suspicions will be confirmed. Ha. Ha.



i guess...
i feel a bit angry?
i don't know...
Because when i ask myself what i feel,
it's like a big black void.
There's nothing.
And anything that appears is just swallowed up by the darkness.



I'm not gonna lie, i kinda like that.
Because it protects me.




I said that he didn't understand how i felt,
and why i liked the darkness.
And that's true.
Not even i completely understand.

The emotional part of me
is actually laughing right now.
It's a bitter laugh, but it's still a laugh.
It's going:
What the fuck? You just fucking broke up with me, and yet you're still going on about how you promised me a panda? haha... what the hell. Think before you say things. How do you think i feel right now? i don't even want it anymore. I don't want this anymore. I don't want anything to do with you anymore.



But...



That's not true.
Well, MOST of it isn't true.

A part of me doesn't want the gift, yet at the same time, i feel that it would be wrong to not accept it. Why? i don't have a fucking clue. I don't know what i'll end up doing. It's just going to be a physical symbol of hurt anyways. But it'll probably hurt me even more if i don't take it. What a dilemma.

When i said i didn't want anything to do with him anymore...
i guess that's...kinda true? kinda not true?
It's kinda true... because it would be easier for me to just completely cut him out of my life. It would hurt less, it would be easier, and it would be a clean cut.
It's kinda not true... because i know that's wrong and because i said i would be friends. Or at least try. I don't remember because i'm so fucking dead right now.



Either way... it doesn't really matter. Because i have a feeling in the end, we're just going to disappear from each other's lives anyways.


So... even though i'm a terrible person for saying this... i guess that's some sort of a consolation.




I don't know.
It would be so much easier to disappear right now.



Want to see some magic?
Close your eyes,
because when you open them, the present me will be gone,
and the me of the past will be back again.