Time Stops For No One.

There's something about this calm that makes me want to snap.
Possibly because it's not really calm at all?
it's a facade.

Something's wrong i know but for the life of me i can't figure out exactly what since i decided to sleep in this morning.

I've caught snippets of conversation in between my periods of half sleeping.
Something about my grandparents...
Something that even my brother, who could care less about stuff like this, had to help out in.


Why won't anybody tell me?


My dad is taking this day to replace the toilet in the upstairs bathroom with a new one.
Something my mom's been nagging him to do for a good part of the month now.
I guess this is his mother's day gift to her.


I don't know what it is,
but there's just something about the atmosphere that makes me want to scream out in frustration.


I just want to get everything off my chest.

My dad told me this morning he was going to visit his relatives for two weeks at the end of this month.
He's going to be gone for my commencement.
I bought the tickets already.
Fuck, this feels kinda like dejavu.
He asked me if i would be upset if he didn't attend my commencement.


I said no.
But i wanted to say yes.


I'm not so selfish as to deprive him of the opportunity to see his relatives for the first time in 10 years.

I got Honors with Distinctions for you dad. And you're not even going to be there to hear it when i cross the stage.








I'm frustrated at the IB exams coming up.
There's just so much studying to do that i won't be able to do it all.
Even after studying for 5 hours yesterday, i feel like i'll only be able to get a 50%.
Fuck.
I've already resolved to fail miserably and hope they don't charge me the $40 fine for 'not studying' even though i did study, it's just a matter of i'm 'too dumb'.
This is frustrating.






And now moving on to the third issue at hand,
I'm not going to lie,
you're starting to REALLY piss me off.

Or perhaps i'm just impatient/inconsiderate/not understanding?

You want to be friends?
well why don't you freaking talk to me then?

It's pissing me off beyond belief.

What, you think i'll break down and crumble?
I'm not that weak.

Or maybe i'm just frustrated because i want to talk to you.
The need to restore some sort of balance is gnawing at me.
Even though i can't restore what it used to be,
i need to restore something.
Or at least give it a sense of finality.


I should really decide whether or not i'm going to make the effort to remain friends.
I've realized that i had to make this decision with a little bitterness actually.
Lets take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

He had a fling,
i found out,
he said he didn't want to stay with me anymore,
i laughed because it was so ironic.
I tried to break up with him 4 times
and each time,
i relented because he cried and begged me.
So i stayed.
Then the one time he wants to break it off,
He didn't care about my opinion.
(Lesson here, boys and girls, kindness will only hurt you.)
I decided that if he wanted to be friends that we could be,
but he would have to put in the effort since he never tried when we were dating.
So i said:
If you want to be friends, i will do it, but you have to be the one to put in the effort and make it work, because i sure as hell am not going to put in any more effort after all this. Why should i try when you never did?
And so,
We drifted apart.
Apart being an understatement.
he doesn't really exist in my world really.
Just another ghost floating by.


Fast forward to the present.
I feel like i'm faced with the same situation again.
Except this time instead of feeling intense anger and bitterness,
i feel nothing.


I want to say the same thing i said back then:
If you didn't bother trying, why should i?

Because it's true.
You decided it wasn't worth it to try. Sorry, poor choice of words.
You decided that you didn't want to try anymore. Reasons still unknown to me. Or incomprehensible but known. I don't know.


I don't WANT to cut you out of my life, because you actually were precious to me.
But God help me, i will do it if i feel i need to.
I'm not going to stay in a limbo like this forever.
It's either you're in my life, or you aren't.


I'm capable of making cruel decisions you know.
Even though most people think it's impossible to just completely cut someone out of your life...
it isn't.
I've done it before,
i can do it again.


Yes, i know i'm being a coward by choosing this road,
But hey, that's one less coward you'll have for a friend, or one more coward you'll have for a friend... whatever the hell it is that you choose.

At this point, i don't really care what you think i am.
Coward...selfish...or just me.
It doesn't matter to me.
It stopped mattering the minute you said you didn't want to try anymore.



Am i being unreasonable?
I probably am.
Usually at this point people just get frustrated with me and tell me to do whatever i like.
That usually ends out with them disappearing from my life.



But the thing is, they need to understand that sometimes i don't want that ending.
I choose it because if i choose the other path, i'll just keep hurting.
It's easier to cut off a limb if all it's doing is bringing you pain and has no real functionality.


So there it is.
Everything on my mind currently at this point in time.

I don't mean to rush you,
but i would sort this out soon if i were you.
Because i'm not a very patient sport.

Before you know it, you're going to disappear from my life whether you want it or not.




So i suggest you decide quick.


Time stops for no one.