Too Far Gone.

It's happening more and more often.
Not that i dislike it, i actually welcome it.
But i think others are more worried.

There are times when i lapse into my dream world. Literally.
I'll go blank and it'll seem like i'm unconscious on my feet with my eyes open.
When i said that sometimes i can make my dream world reality, i wasn't joking.
Though it's dangerous, because i find myself more and more reluctant to come back.
I think, if this keeps going on, one day i'm just going to lose my grip on reality forever.

Not that i mind.

Although i should really start paying attention to where exactly i drift off.
Today, i nearly crashed while riding my bike because the wind made me feel so nostalgic.
I don't even think nostalgic would be the right word because technically, i haven't really felt the wind in my dream world. I've only imagined it.
But then again, sometimes it seems so real to me that i can't tell dream from reality.
But yes, while i was riding my bike, the feel of the wind just made me suddenly drift off into my dream world.
Did NOT see that car coming.
Thank god that at least my brain was registering the things i was seeing, otherwise i wouldn't have clutched the breaks on instinct.

Is it a bad thing that the only thing i live for now other than my friends is to go to bed every night just to lay there and retreat to my dream world?
A place where i am loved,
A place where i have someone to love,
A place where i am free.
A place where i am happy.

There was only one other time where i had gone this far.
That was in elementary/junior high.
It got so bad that i even imagined the smell of that special person.
I nearly cried when i smelled that exact same scent in the real world.
That was my wake up call that things had gotten too far.
I mean, if you want to cry because of some guy that didn't even exist,
there's a problem.
But
i think i'm heading down that same road again.
And this time i'm welcoming it with open arms.

If you are reading this
and i am in the hospital for being mentally unstable...
well
at least you know
that i knew exactly where i was headed
and that i didn't bother stopping myself.

Hate.

You know,
sometimes i really want to hate you.

Who I Used To Be.

Last night i had a dream.

I dreamt about every friend i had lost.

Needless to say, i dreamt about how i used to feel about you.
I still regret letting our friendship slip away, but this past year has kind of rekindled my hope of getting you in my life again.

Do you remember how we felt back then?

I liked you.
Supposedly, you liked me back.

But nothing ever happened, because as soon as we had gotten close, we drifted off again.

4 years. and not a peep from you. But as god would have it, last year we had a class together.
I think you were shocked that i remembered your birthday. How could i ever forget? It's funny. Your Birthday is the only one that i can remember effortlessly.

In my dream you were holding me.
It was everything a dream should be. Complete silence.

No words were needed because the actions said it all.
Your body said 'i missed you so much'.
Your eyes said 'i love you'.

I think... i was happy.
Or at least that's what i think 'happiness' is.
I felt so content, like i could die without a care in the world.

I miss you, you know.
I really really do.
Sometimes, i wonder if i shouldn't have left you to become friends with him.
I remember you hated him. Hated him so much.
To this day, i still wonder whether you hated him for his personality, or because he was slowly taking over my life while you were left at the sidelines.

If i could turn back time, i would relive every moment we had together, be it good or bad.
I actually can't believe that you still liked me after everything i put you through.
I was such a bitch back then. Still am probably.
But... i guess you just saw past it all.
I'm sorry i ever let you go.

Please don't leave me again...
I need you more than you know...
because
You bring back all the feelings i thought i'd lost.

Anger.

I'm starting to get really annoyed.

Here's the situation:
Music (AKA Band) is usually a full year course - given that learning an instrument is hard work and takes dedication as well as constant practice, i can understand why making the course full year is most beneficial. However, this year something changed. Band was changed into a semestered course. Because of this, there's been outrage amongst the music students.

Somebody decided to send a message to all the music students saying that we should go to the administration and start a riot. There were disagreements and thus started a really, extremely annoying string of msg comments/arguments and i've been receiving notification like no tomorrow.

First of all,
i too am angry at the course being semestered.
But really? a RIOT?
How old ARE you? Freaking 5?
That's like throwing a temper tantrum when you don't get what you want.
People claim that it's screwing over their career paths in life.
Uh hello? i'm trying to become a MUSIC TEACHER HERE. You don't exactly see me handing out burning torches and pitchforks now do you?

If you wanted to start a PETITION, then yes, i'm all for it.
But seriously. A Riot?
You can't justify violence no matter what you say.
It's inexcusable.
And what about our music teacher? he's more dedicated to his job than any other man i know. He loves music with a passion and i'm sure he tried all he could to change the administration's minds.
If you start a riot, that will only reflect badly on him and could potentially cost him his job.
Don't be selfish.
You want to get rid of the flex program that is screwing up the schedule? people NEED that program to survive. Some people aren't as intellectually advanced as others. They can only retain information for a short amount of time. This is their way to finally escape the road of automatic fail.

I can't say any of this out loud though. Because i know for a fact that if i say how i disagree, people will ask me for a better solution.

And the truth is i don't have one.

But i sure as hell know that the solution you're proposing will do more harm than good.

Another good reason why i hate humanity.

Warning.

Lately you've been expressing your regrets to how we ended things.

I am conflicted as to how to approach this.

First of all,
what part of the whole 'i-cut-you-out-of-my-life-now-stay-the-hell-out-of-it' thing didn't you understand?
and wasn't it YOU who decided that it wasn't worth the effort to remain friends?
Fuck You.

Second of all,
I've long past the point of caring, so why do you still care?
Honestly, i gave up on this crap like... what, half a year ago? 3/4 of a year ago? why the hell are you going on about your 'i'm sorry' crap again?

I don't know whether to laugh hysterically or just shake my head because both seem like quite plausible options.

Not to mention, whenever we do meet face to face, you avoid me like the plague. Or pretend i'm not even there- not that i'm complaining because i don't even acknowledge you existence but whatever. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Well.
Whatever.
Whatever the hell you decided, you can go for it
because i honestly REALLY don't give a rat's ass anymore.

And i would appreciate it if you stop making my friends do the work of bringing me msgs from you.
Stop being such a coward. You're hurting my friends in the process.
And let this be a warning:

If you hurt any of my friends to the point where i have to step in,
you better watch your fucking ass
Cuz i swear i'll kick it back to kingdom come.

Sinking in Emptiness.

Today, when i looked in the mirror,
i thought to myself:
"This is me forever more."

For a moment, my heart sank

before returning to the blank emptiness i always feel.

To Feel, We Suffer.

This is kind of an expansion of a thought i touched on in the previous blog.
"To love, we must first feel pain." or something along the lines of that.
It is because we understand what it feels like to be hurt, that we have the ability to be kind. Our hearts carry compassion within and when faced with someone that we care about or love, we try our best to shield them from pain. We feel an automatic desire to be kind to them and see them smile.
It makes me wonder about the murderers and criminals in this world.
What were their motives? were they fueled by hatred? perhaps revenge? Or were they just pitiful beings who had never felt love?
It is scary to think that a person who has never felt love has the potential to grow into a being who hurts other people.
But then again, it all depends on the individual does it not?
When i was little, i hated my parents. It was a kind of love-hate feeling. They were my parents, so i felt a natural bond with them. Call it 'love' or whatever, but it was a bond. Yet at the same time, i despised them more than anyone in my life. I hated them for making my life so miserable, but that's not to say that they didn't do their best to make me happy.
I didn't need all that attention. I didn't need all those toys or clothes or accessories. If they had just settled their differences i would've been content.
My parents did not speak to each other for the first 12 (or was it thirteen?) years of my life. At least not until my mom got diagnosed with cancer and had to go to the hospital.
My mom was the most hateful. She absolutely loathed my dad and everything to do with them. She always yelled at me whenever i visited my grandparents. At the time, i thought she was just using me as a tool to get back at my grandparents. She claimed that they had made her life miserable at the beginning of her marriage and that my grandmother gossiped about her and stuff like that. Eventually, hatred brew and that hatred spread out to encompass the rest of my dad's family. When i was little, i thought that my mom was making up lies. She had a bad habit of blowing up small things into much larger problems and 'editing' it so that it made her look like the victim (a habit that i, unfortunately, have picked up). But now, when i think about it, i think my mom was just scared. Scared that i would be hurt the same way that she was and so she tried to warn me against it. Even though this might be true, it does not make it right. Simply because she was hurt, does not mean that i will be. My grandparents had never done anything to hurt me and i could never believe that they would ever do anything to harm me. So you could probably guess why i got angry at my mom so often.
I was naive back then. I kept thinking: why can't we all get along? what's wrong with being together?
Like i've mentioned previously: i despise humanity and it's weaknesses.
We do not forgive. Although we say we do, we let go of the past, but retain that small memory of anger that prevents us from fully forgiving.
My mom never forgave my dad's side of the family. To this day, she still hates them, however that hate has dulled over the past few years.
When my mom was in the hospital, my dad visited her every single day. He stayed faithfully by her side every hour except for when he had to come home and take care of us (cook us dinner, pick us up etc.).
Perhaps this was the pivotal point in our lives.
Because after my mom recovered, my parents began to speak again.
Until this day, i did not realize just how eerily quiet our house was during my childhood years.
No one talked. Ever.
The air was always tense and hostile.
The reason i hated my mom wasn't because she banned me from seeing my dad's family (which didn't really matter, because i saw them anyways), but because she went about the wrong way conveying it.
She yelled at me for it. She yelled at me for wanting to see my own flesh and blood. She told me that they were horrible people and that they would hurt me.
I hated her for saying these things when they were always so kind to me.
My dad did not know that my mom had banned us from seeing his family because we always went with him regardless. We (me and my brother) never let him know that we got yelled at for it afterwards because we felt that it was our burden to bear.
When he found out one day, he was shocked.
I don't remember what happened afterwards, partially because i don't want to remember, and partially because my mind has blocked off that memory in an act of self defense.
It was strange. I remember feeling confused and hurt because my mom hated my dad so much, yet my dad didn't hate her.
I couldn't understand how he didn't hate her. She blamed him for everything that went wrong in life... and yet he bore no ill feelings towards her.
It made me angry.
I think... if he had hated her, i wouldn't have been angry. I would've hurt more, but i wouldn't have been angry.
By seeing my parents, i swore to myself that i would never be like them. I still have the diary entries to prove it.
By growing up in this house, i was forced to mature faster than other children.
In a sense, it kind of feels like i lost my childhood.
How many children can you name bear the burden of being the vent for both their parents especially if their yelling and screaming was directed at the other parent?
I had to lie day in, and day out.
When with my mom, i agreed with what she said and put up a front like i hated my dad, because otherwise she would start yelling again.
When with my dad, i swallowed my pain and put on a smile to visit his relatives.
A double life is taxing on a child.
I think, it is because of the pain i felt as a child, that i am the person i am today.
I cannot stand seeing a friend in pain. I feel the strong desire to comfort them, or hold them and take on their burden as my own.
I cannot help it, it is an instinct.
I've felt so much pain in my life, and i would give my own life to ensure that none of my friends ever feel the same things i've felt.
It's painful you know.
Living is so painful.
There is no one in this world who truly understands me. There is no one that i can completely and fully trust enough to just unleash all my pent up anger, hurt, and frustration.
I just want somebody to hold me and - for a change - take my burden and bear it upon their shoulders.
My world consists of all my friends. My friends are family.
The weight of the world is a heavy burden to bear.
Maybe this is why i crave solitude so much.
Because in solitude, there are no people.
No pain, no sadness, no nothing.
An empty world... My ultimate paradise.


Humanity is the weapon of ultimate destruction. The embodiment of the seven deadly sins. It is because of these sins that we gain compassion.

Hate & Love.
One cannot exist without the other.
Forever to exist in our world.

May God Help Us All.

Desire.

I am guilty.
Guilty of a sin, a sin that we all partake in, no matter our age, sex, or views in life.
I desire.
I want to go out and take what can't be taken.
I desire solitude.
I feel this desire gnawing at my soul every day.
And with each day, the desire only grows stronger and stronger.
I want to be alone.
It's so controversial isn't it? humans were hardwired to crave companionship, and after all these years, that craving has slowly morphed into a need; a need required for us to survive.
I too, am human. I too crave companionship. But sometimes i think that i would be so much happier alone than any partner could ever hope to achieve by standing by my side.
More than once, i have nearly cut off my ties from this world.
More than once, i have wished that every human being on this planet would just disappear... or that i would disappear into another world where i could be alone.
I despise humanity.
I despise our weaknesses and flaws.
I hate how we judge, i hate how we lust, i hate how greedy we are.
They aren't called the seven deadly sins for nothing.
These sins corrupt us. And in the end, they will inevitably kill us.
To die by our own hands.
Isn't suicide the ultimate sin?
We are slowly destroying what god gave us, we are tearing this world apart from the inside out.
It starts in the soul of man and it grows into ambition, desire, and greed which then destroys the outside world one man at a time, corrupting them with hatred and anger.
Yet there is still good in people. I have seen it. The goodness that gives me hope that maybe there is salvation for man kind.
I think this is all some cruel joke set up by a person with sick humor up there.
Human beings: the ultimate destruction. Destroyer, yet merciful and kind.
The noise never stops.
The murmuring of life, the bustle of the crowd.
I want it all to just stop.
I want everyone to just stand there and realize just who and what we are.
We're so small compared to the big picture.
I am but a micro-pixel.
But i want to change it.
But at the same time, i know i cannot, because i am merely a little girl who knows nothing in this world.
So instead of changing the world, i will change myself.
I cannot do everything, but i can do something.
Instead of companionship, i will crave solitude.
With companionship, it brings joy, love, and pain. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. To love, you must first feel pain.
I am a coward.
I run from pain. I fear it. I've felt it.
So consequently, i seek to avoid it.
And i've found that the solution is simply solitude.
When i am alone, i feel at ease.
I feel peace.
I feel calm.
I can hear myself; I can hear my own heartbeat telling me that yes, i am alive and i am my own self.
I can choose my own path.
I have nobody to tie me down, to hold me back.
I can be free.
I think, that if i were not such a coward,
i would have run away long ago.

Neverending.

I love the sky.
I really really do.
When i look up at the sky, i feel a sense of ease that is usually absent in my daily life.
I love it when the sky is clear with only an endless sea of blue that stretches far beyond the horizon. It makes me believe that one day, i will be able to fly away.
The sky is like a sanctuary for me, it reminds me of the days where i used to be able to live without a care in the world, back when i thought everything was going to be okay because i was protected from the big, bad world.
It makes me feel whole again.
Not to mention the colour is so peaceful. Such a soft blue that makes your heart flutter away with the wind. A colour that only God can create.
I also love the night sky. It gives me the same comfort but in a different way. The bright blue sky of day gives me hope, and the dark clear sky of night gives me peace and solitude.
I think, when i die, i want my ashes to be scattered in the wind, so it can carry me up to that one place that i could never reach during life...
The Sky.

Overcoming Death.

I used to think about suicide all the time.
I've tried it at least once and clearly i either failed or backed out quickly enough to not hurt myself significantly.
But i don't think about it anymore.
Over the past few years, i've come to realize just how selfish suicide is.
I have so many people around me, supporting me and pushing me along in life. They've used so much effort to keep me from straying off the path that i walk.
If i were to kill myself now, that would be like saying 'you don't mean a thing to me' in their face.
Suicide is selfish.
You put your pain first and foremost before others without even considering the consequences of your actions.
I no longer think of suicide because i have people in my life that mean more to me than i could ever dream of.
I have people who have been there with me every step of the way, and some that have even strayed off their own paths to help me return to mine.
I thank God for giving me such wonderful friends in my life.
If everyone succumbed to their own darkness, this world would be barren.
It's because people are strong enough to stand up when there seems like there is no hope left that we can truly flourish in this world.
When you think about hurting yourself, you unconsciously hurt those around you.
Despite what everyone always thinks,
there is always someone watching over you; someone who loves you.
You may not know it, but there is a person in your life to whom you mean the world.
If you choose the easy way out, not only do you sufficiently end YOUR path and cut off any possibility of happiness in the future, but you also destroy a part of their world.
Everyone experiences pain, but how you deal with it is what makes you a person.
Stand strong and proud. Don't let life break you. And even if you break, there are some who can help put you together again.
Before i realized all of this, i was severely depressed.
I hated everything.
I hated life.
I hated school.
I hated myself.
But then i met some people
who slowly began to make life worth living
and then one day it all came crashing down again
and when i told a friend that i had contemplated suicide before
i was shocked at their reaction.
They were furious.
Angry that i had thought such a thing
Disappointed that i would ever want to choose the easy way out
Upset that i would put myself first and foremost
Hurt that i would just get up and leave them all alone in this world because i decided that i was tired of it all.
We only have each other to hold onto in this life,
if you just get up and leave one day
who will we hold on to?
A bunch of chopsticks is harder to break than one chopstick alone.
We're stronger if we're together.
Open your eyes and look at those around you.
See what you pain has blinded you to.
We are here. We've always been there.
We were just waiting for you to realize that.
Have Faith.
Because a little faith goes a long way.
And maybe,
just maybe,
one day we'll overcome death itself.

Friendship.

What defines a friend?
Is it how much you talk to that individual? or perhaps how akin you feel with that person? or maybe even how much you trust him/her with your deepest and darkest secrets?
It all depends on one's own opinion after all.
I hate it when friends drift away from friends and suddenly everyone's like 'well, they didn't make an effort to stay in my life!'
If that's how you think, then i think that you need a serious reality check.
Stop being so selfish.
Friends are friends because no matter how far apart you drift you still have memories together that are unforgettable that serve as a solid foundation in which you can tread on forevermore.
I haven't talked to some people in years, yet i still call them my friends because that's what they are. I don't care if they don't consider me the same, does it really matter? it's my opinion anyways. Just because they don't consider you a friend, doesn't mean you can't consider them one. It's not always mutual.
If you're upset about someone not being in your life as much as you would like, then perhaps you should rethink some things.
Everyone has their own life. People change and move on. it's life. People come and go. If you can't find the strength to let them walk their own path, then perhaps you are just too insecure to walk yours alone.
Everyone has their own journey to travel, some paths may intertwine and some might go on to oblivion in solitude.
Just because you don't talk anymore doesn't mean you're not friends.
Just because you don't see each other everyday doesn't mean you're not friends.
It just means that you're considerate enough to let them be who they are.
Sometimes, i believe that there really is no such thing as a 'best friend' because honestly, if you think about it, we call those we hang out with the most our 'best friends'. But what if you moved away? what if you left those friends and went somewhere else? what if you made new friends? suddenly the ones around you at the moment are your best friends and your old friends are taken down from that ever grande podium of the title 'best friend'.
Why do we have to think so much about it?
Friends are friends.
They stay that way forever until someone changes that.
Friendship is not limited by distance (literally and figuratively).
If you dislike the fact that people drift away from you, then you need to wake up.
Because this isn't the place you think it is.
This is life.

Empty.

I can't feel anything.
Actually, that's a lie.
I can feel pain; i can feel sorrow; i can feel anger.
But i can't feel love, or happiness, or joy.
I can't remember when it was the last time that i smiled for real and it wasn't just my brain telling me to smile on instinct.
My brain controls me.
I laugh because everyone else laughs.
I smile because that is what is expected of me.
I cry with others because it is expected from a person in society to be sympathetic to those around them.
When i'm alone, i cry because i can't do anything else.
I cry because of the overwhelming emptiness i feel.
I scream and cry because i want to know why i'm such a defect as a human being.
I wish i could be happy.
When i say the words 'i love you', they're so empty that it makes me cringe.
I don't know what love is.
I've never felt it, so i can't ever give it.
I don't know what it feels like to have happiness spread through every vein in your body until it fills you up to the brim.
I wish i could.
God created every man equal.
I guess i just wasn't important enough.
Defects, after all, stay defects until someone comes and fixes them.
Whoever that person maybe...
come soon,
because otherwise it might be too late.

Forevermore.

The things i cannot say out loud.
The things i cannot breathe to another living soul.
The things i think everyday.
The things i am ashamed of.
The things i truly believe in.
The things i wish were true.
These are the things that i will post here.
The things no one has ever heard from me before.
The things that people deny about me.
This is a glimpse at the real me.
Here, you will see the shadow of my mind and it's workings.

Viewer's discretion is advised. Seriously.