Illusion.

It's hard pretending.

Repeat Infinitely.

Haha...
can you believe it?
For the first time since i've put up this ridiculous facade
i actually let loose a few tears.

I'm so tired of dealing with all of this.

I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.



I'm tired of being strong when really all i want to do is crumble.
I'm tired of looking like i don't care when i care more than anyone else.



And i'm especially tired
that this is just a terrible record on repeat.

Care Not.

I don't want to say anything
because you are my own mother

But what you're doing is not right.

Sometimes,
you have to admit that you're wrong.


Sometimes,
you have to stop and listen.


Sometimes,
you have to take your head out of your damn ass.



I'm not 'going against you' like you would probably say if i were to open my mouth,
I'm not 'taking his side',
Nor am I 'trying to argue' with you.


I'm telling you what I see from a third person POV.


But,
i'm trying to be understanding
because you're apparently going through early menopause caused by your radiation treatments.


Sometimes i wonder if it would've been better had you divorced after all.
There would be less arguing that's for sure.

But i don't think i could choose.

I couldn't choose dad because i'm worried about your health and i don't want you to go back to work with a weak body,
and at the same time, i couldn't choose you because dad has sacrificed so much already for all of us, and if there's anyone in this world who knows true depression, it's probably him, but yet he's still the most optimistic out of all of us.


So i'm stuck sitting here,
typing my feeling onto this blog.


I hope that one day i'll have to courage to say this stuff out loud.

I haven't done so in a long time,


Last time i did,
you took me to a psychiatrist for depression.




I want so much to just yell out
something...
anything.


It's not fair.

But then again, when has God ever bothered to care?

Get Out.

This is frustrating.

Can't wait till i get out of here.

Death With Wings.

There's a fucking mosquito in the house


and i'm freaking paranoid.

Wish.

Sometimes
I just wish i could cry.

Play the Fool.

I don't want to see you

Because that might mean that this feeling that i have

where i think i'm okay

will crack away

and leave me back at square one.

I don't want to see you because i'm scared i'm not okay.

And it's easier fooling myself and others than it is facing reality.

Only Me.

I remember why being alone was better now.


I remember how much i hated people.


I remember how much i wanted everything and everyone to just disappear.





Because in the end,
if there's only me
then i have only myself to hate.

Graduate of 2011

Patricia Wong
Graduate of the M.E LaZerte 2011 class.
IB Certificate
Honors with Distinctions
Top Instrumental 30 Student Award
Alexander Rutherford Scholarship
University of Alberta Early Acceptance


Damn straight.
I'm so proud of myself.



I did it.

Did you see that?



I really did it.



This just goes to prove
that anyone can accomplish something if they try.

Butt Out.

can you butt out of my business?
kthxbye.

Heal.

I think i'm slowly healing.

You don't hurt as much anymore.

Speeders!

DX kinda have a headache from the damn helmet...
but had lots of fun nonetheless =D
Me likes Speeders :D:D

Ice.

Loving you is like skating on thin ice.
When it holds, the wind and freeness carry away everything, but there's always that uncertainty as to how long it will last.
When it breaks, i fall into the cold waters below and i slowly drown in the bitter cold.

Fun.

Had lots of fun today :)

Food + Friends = Good time. XD

i enjoyed the chance to dress up too ;)

Someone.

I couldn't have ended my high school music life any better.
Tonight was just freaking amazing.
I can't believe how far we've come. It's scary to think that 6 years ago, i picked up a flute for the first time.
But it's even scarier to think that in a few years, i'll lose contact with all of these wonderful musicians that have become an irreplaceable part of my life.

They say that high school is the golden years.
In some ways it is, in some it isn't.
My high school life could've been better,
there were lots of tears, goodbyes, pain, and sadness
but
there were also lots of laughs, loves, and smiles.

And i guess in the end,
i wouldn't change it for the world.




I'm so proud of myself.
For the first time in my life,
i'm proud of myself.
and i'm happy.
Genuinely happy.
When i was walking across that stage tonight...
i couldn't stop smiling.



I felt like i accomplished something.



I'm so proud of myself.


P.A.L.S President Award.
Wow. Haha.
'Most promising student'
I'm...
honestly really proud of myself.
I can finally say that i've accomplished something in my life.
I've left my mark.
When i left londonderry,
I left behind my name on two trophies.
Female Athlete of the Year (Gr. 8) and Music Student of the Year (Gr. 8 as well).
Now, as i leave M.E LaZerte,
i leave behind my name on one trophy:
The PALS President Award (Gr. 12)

I can only hope
that when i graduate University,
i will leave behind a mark there as well.
As proof of what i have accomplished,
as proof of my dedication,
my aspirtations,
my dreams,
my goals,
my life.


I will leave behind a mark.
Then,
instead of just being another nobody.
I can say:
Look. I was here. I am SOMEONE.

Because...
in the end,
that's all we want isn't it?


To be someone in this world.
To be someone to someone else, to be someone who is remembered.
To be forgotten is the worst fate a person can suffer.
To die alone, with no one to care.


I refuse to follow that cursed fate.
I will be someone.



Just you wait.

Dreaming.

In the end i didn't cry.

I didn't cry because the moment when i was alone and i knew i could cry as much as i wanted, i knew that crying wouldn't do me any good.

This always happens.
Sigh.

I wish for once i could just let everything go and like cry my heart out. The last time i did that was back in march when the stress got to me.

But then again, the difference is, back then i had someone to listen to me.



I'm in this really... nostalgic phase right now i think.
Everything's passing by in a blur.
I keep dreaming about the past.
And i don't mean the recent past. In fact, i haven't dreamt about anything shorter than 2 years ago. (if that makes sense. not very coherent right now.)
It's strange...
and at the same time, saddening. Just a little bit.
Because it hurts.


I was so naive.
God. It's laughable now in hindsight.
I just thought that things would always be great.
That no matter what, i would always be happy.
I would always have billions of friends and we would always be together.
But then things changed.
I changed.
And suddenly I didn't like them as much anymore.
I didn't think they were that fun anymore.
And so i moved on.


Why am i dreaming about the past now?
Why am i dreaming about people i've left behind?
They say when you are dreaming, whatever it is that you dream about is what you secretly long for.
Then i guess i'm lonely.
I must be.
Or else i wouldn't be having these nostalgic dreams.
That make a distant part of me ache with sadness.




I need to do something about this.

Cry.

I feel like crying.

I don't know what i'm going to cry about.
But i know for sure that i'll cry for a long time.




Cry about everything that's happened.
Cry about how frustrated i am.
Cry about how stressed i was.
Cry about how i'm such a freaking defect.



I just need to cry.





I wish someone was here for me.

Immature.

Looks like i'm going without dinner tonight because you're so FUCKING IMMATURE.



Grow up.

Sigh.

Sigh.
Now this is an incredibly delayed reaction.

Is it alright to say now that i miss you?


or perhaps it's because i'm in such a bad mood and i want someone to comfort me like you used to.

Most likely.



But still.
Sigh.

Knowing.

It hurts
being compared to someone else
and knowing that you will never
never be half as good as them.

Desire.

I'm not suicidal.
I've past that stage.
I'm not emo or depressed.
I've past that stage as well.

I'm just tired.
The ever-growing desire of wanting to just sit in the corner of a dark, empty room is overwhelming.

I want to be alone in the dark.


I'm not running away.
I'm not pushing people away.
I'm not being 'childish' or an 'attention seeker'.

I just need the darkness.
It comforts me so much.

If people can't understand that...
That's fine.

I never asked for anyone to understand it.



All i asked for was for someone to come open the door once in a while and take me outside.
Someone to be there.
But also someone who knows when to leave me alone.
Who lets me have the darkness.

The desire for solitude
The desire for companionship.
Conflicting values.
But equally strong.

Hate. Love.

Why do i hate the people who i don't want to hate, and care about the people who i wish i could hate?

Too Late.

"Six Billion Secrets:


Never harden your heart in order to cope.
That's what I did, and now that I'm in college, I'm that guy who everyone finds a little too cold and uncaring.

It's not that I don't care, I just forgot how to."








Too late.

Passing with Time.

I remember this stage.




But i also remember that it passes with time.


Time to sit out the storm.

Heartless.

I can be heartless too.



It's just a matter of pushing me until to that point.

Questionable.

Hmm.


I wonder why you won't tell R.V what happened.
HAHA.
I think as your friend he deserves to know does he not?
Or perhaps you don't really care if your friends know about your life.

Hm.

Whatever. LOL.


It's your life :)

Backtracking.

And it seems
that any progress that i've made
in the last few months

is slowly -
no,
rapidly
backtracking.


I'm back where i started.




But...
i guess i can't complain,
since i willingly came back.

Endless Sky.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTyUkBjCUno


It's a beautiful day... :)

Today when i stepped outside after school, i felt... strangely light.
Like i was happy... kind of.
I loved the sky today. It was so blue and endless.
It's comforting.
Just like how the darkness is endless.
I like drowning in endlessness.
It makes me more aware of myself.
It forces me to know who i am.

One day, i'm going to touch the sky.
I will.
And if i have to die to do that,
then i guess i'll just count down the days till i die.

because touching the sky is worth it.




Being free is worth it.

Ending.

I finally made a decision :)

here's what i said, word for word:

i've decided. My answer is this: I will just let things be. I won't try to be friends with you if you clearly don't want it. I'll only try if you bother to try. Whether or not you stay in my life or not doesn't matter to me anymore because it hoenstly feels to me that you would rather i just disappear anyways. If that's hte case, then so be it. But know this,
it would make me happy if i could still talk to you because you are still precious to me. You said you didn't want the memories to shatter, but what i see is that you're trying to shatter them by distancing yourself. It's up to you whether or not you want to keep the memories whole.
Well. that's my answer. See you =) i hope that in the end, things work out.


I actually had a better sounding blurb in my head, but when i finally managed to find him on my msn i'd forgotten it =(
damn me and my terrible memory.



But...

i'm happy with my decision.
Because even though he is still precious to me,
i know i will still be able go on without him in my life.


Remember this,
tomorrow will always be better, and if it isn't? well then, i guess today wasn't so bad :)


I know i will find someone else.


Don't worry if you're single,
God is probably looking down and thinking: "I'm saving this one for someone special" <3


But... i will say this:
it was good while it lasted.
He made me happy. I really did love him. He was everything i wanted in a guy.
So now all i have to do is wait until a better guy comes along,
someone who wants to be with me forever.
I say forever because even though there's no such thing, i want to believe. :)

So until then,
i guess i'm just going to have to be patient. :)


Thank you Kevin Seto, for making me happy, if only for just a little while.

I'm glad that this ending was much better than my last.


04/4/2011 ~ 01/5/2011

Let it Die.

Hm.

Well that puts things into a whole new light.

I feel kinda bad to just cut things off right now.


I guess my only option is to sit and let it die.

Talk.

For some odd reason as i left the examination room today,
I had the strongest urge just to talk to you about my exam.

Just talk. No strings attached. Just talking.
Like how it used to be.

And i realized with a start that that was pretty much all i wanted to begin with.
Not really someone to be extra special or anything,
but just someone who i could talk to.

When i was in the car, this randomly popped into my mind:
Yesterday i was in a bad mood. I didn't want to be friends. Today i am in a somewhat happier mood. I feel like being friends.


Sad that my will to be friends with people is dictated by my daily mood.

Well, we'll see how the talk continues.
If all goes well then hopefully by the end of tonight,
you can hear all about how badly i failed my chem exam.

Heartless.

Well that didn't do shit for me other than piss me off.


Fuck you.






...gah. I can't even say that without feeling bad.

Stupid stupid me.

Learn to be more heartless.

Shaking.

Why am i shaking?

Coward.

Hahaha... Patricia, you're such a coward.

Link.

I think i've figured out why i love music so much.



Have you ever heard a piece of music
that was just so beautiful, or enthralling, or even melancholic that it did not seem to be of this world?
Or even still,
have you ever heard a song in a movie that just seemed to fit the scene so naturally, so easily, that you could believe that it belonged in that make believe world?





I think...
the reason that i love music so much,
is not only because it makes me feel emotions that i usually can't,
but because it's my link to my dream world.
It's my link to home.

Mockery.

You know life is laughing at you when a fortune cookie mocks you:


"Seek friendship and you will find someone special this month"

Time Stops For No One.

There's something about this calm that makes me want to snap.
Possibly because it's not really calm at all?
it's a facade.

Something's wrong i know but for the life of me i can't figure out exactly what since i decided to sleep in this morning.

I've caught snippets of conversation in between my periods of half sleeping.
Something about my grandparents...
Something that even my brother, who could care less about stuff like this, had to help out in.


Why won't anybody tell me?


My dad is taking this day to replace the toilet in the upstairs bathroom with a new one.
Something my mom's been nagging him to do for a good part of the month now.
I guess this is his mother's day gift to her.


I don't know what it is,
but there's just something about the atmosphere that makes me want to scream out in frustration.


I just want to get everything off my chest.

My dad told me this morning he was going to visit his relatives for two weeks at the end of this month.
He's going to be gone for my commencement.
I bought the tickets already.
Fuck, this feels kinda like dejavu.
He asked me if i would be upset if he didn't attend my commencement.


I said no.
But i wanted to say yes.


I'm not so selfish as to deprive him of the opportunity to see his relatives for the first time in 10 years.

I got Honors with Distinctions for you dad. And you're not even going to be there to hear it when i cross the stage.








I'm frustrated at the IB exams coming up.
There's just so much studying to do that i won't be able to do it all.
Even after studying for 5 hours yesterday, i feel like i'll only be able to get a 50%.
Fuck.
I've already resolved to fail miserably and hope they don't charge me the $40 fine for 'not studying' even though i did study, it's just a matter of i'm 'too dumb'.
This is frustrating.






And now moving on to the third issue at hand,
I'm not going to lie,
you're starting to REALLY piss me off.

Or perhaps i'm just impatient/inconsiderate/not understanding?

You want to be friends?
well why don't you freaking talk to me then?

It's pissing me off beyond belief.

What, you think i'll break down and crumble?
I'm not that weak.

Or maybe i'm just frustrated because i want to talk to you.
The need to restore some sort of balance is gnawing at me.
Even though i can't restore what it used to be,
i need to restore something.
Or at least give it a sense of finality.


I should really decide whether or not i'm going to make the effort to remain friends.
I've realized that i had to make this decision with a little bitterness actually.
Lets take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

He had a fling,
i found out,
he said he didn't want to stay with me anymore,
i laughed because it was so ironic.
I tried to break up with him 4 times
and each time,
i relented because he cried and begged me.
So i stayed.
Then the one time he wants to break it off,
He didn't care about my opinion.
(Lesson here, boys and girls, kindness will only hurt you.)
I decided that if he wanted to be friends that we could be,
but he would have to put in the effort since he never tried when we were dating.
So i said:
If you want to be friends, i will do it, but you have to be the one to put in the effort and make it work, because i sure as hell am not going to put in any more effort after all this. Why should i try when you never did?
And so,
We drifted apart.
Apart being an understatement.
he doesn't really exist in my world really.
Just another ghost floating by.


Fast forward to the present.
I feel like i'm faced with the same situation again.
Except this time instead of feeling intense anger and bitterness,
i feel nothing.


I want to say the same thing i said back then:
If you didn't bother trying, why should i?

Because it's true.
You decided it wasn't worth it to try. Sorry, poor choice of words.
You decided that you didn't want to try anymore. Reasons still unknown to me. Or incomprehensible but known. I don't know.


I don't WANT to cut you out of my life, because you actually were precious to me.
But God help me, i will do it if i feel i need to.
I'm not going to stay in a limbo like this forever.
It's either you're in my life, or you aren't.


I'm capable of making cruel decisions you know.
Even though most people think it's impossible to just completely cut someone out of your life...
it isn't.
I've done it before,
i can do it again.


Yes, i know i'm being a coward by choosing this road,
But hey, that's one less coward you'll have for a friend, or one more coward you'll have for a friend... whatever the hell it is that you choose.

At this point, i don't really care what you think i am.
Coward...selfish...or just me.
It doesn't matter to me.
It stopped mattering the minute you said you didn't want to try anymore.



Am i being unreasonable?
I probably am.
Usually at this point people just get frustrated with me and tell me to do whatever i like.
That usually ends out with them disappearing from my life.



But the thing is, they need to understand that sometimes i don't want that ending.
I choose it because if i choose the other path, i'll just keep hurting.
It's easier to cut off a limb if all it's doing is bringing you pain and has no real functionality.


So there it is.
Everything on my mind currently at this point in time.

I don't mean to rush you,
but i would sort this out soon if i were you.
Because i'm not a very patient sport.

Before you know it, you're going to disappear from my life whether you want it or not.




So i suggest you decide quick.


Time stops for no one.

Hollow.

I wish i had someone to hold me right now...


I want this hollowness to go away

Even if just for a little bit.

Matter.

I wish i could read minds.


Does this even matter to you?

Change.

It felt weird not seeing him today.



I guess i get too settled in with routine.

Time to change.

Heart Breaker.

Why do people always assume that i'm the one who ends things?


I'm not always the heart breaker you know...






More often than naught,
i'm the one getting my heart broken.

Lid.

I wish that i could be like a normal person
and be upset.


I want to hurt.


But instead i have this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach.
The feeling i get whenever something isn't right.
The sad thing is that i KNOW what isn't right, but it's not like i can do anything about it.
And so here i am stuck with this uncomfortable feeling.



Most people would just cry, rant, and be over it.
Yet i'm stuck here feeling nothing but this unsettling feeling in my gut.


Goddamn.



What i hate the most is that i only get this feeling when i'm alone.
When i'm around other people it's gone.
When i'm around other people i'm normal.


But when i'm alone, it's back.
When i'm alone, i can't shake this damn feeling.


Fuck this.




Practice makes perfect.
I've almost perfected the art of burying my emotions and locking them up in the back of my head; in the deepest, darkest parts of my mind.

Key word being 'almost'.
The fact that i'm feeling uncomfortable means that i haven't shut the lid tightly enough on my emotions.
It means that i haven't buried it deep enough.

Hmmm... i guess there's no such thing as perfect.

I certainly hope there is though, i'd rather feel nothing than be stuck with this annoying feeling.



I hate feeling so human.

In all honesty, it makes me feel weak.


I hate being weak.



Maybe one of these days,
the darkness will swallow up everything i've buried inside me
and i'll be left
as nothing but an empty shell.


That'd be nice.

Ne.

Sabishii desu...

Easy.

It's as easy as 1, 2, 3.

But can i be that cruel?

Silence.

Sound of silence.

Let's see how long it lasts before it cracks.

Easier.

I wish i could hate as easily as i used to.




That way i wouldn't be like this.



It's easier to hate than to live with.

Falling.

London bridge is falling down...

Magic.

Well.
This is fucked up.

The trip was pretty good.
Minus that one night when the drunk guys came to our room.
But otherwise mostly good.


I don't feel like accounting every detail of this trip like i usually do because i feel like shit right now.

Actually that's a lie, i don't feel like shit.

I feel nothing.

Oh wonderful.


i didn't even cry.

What kind of person doesn't cry after a breakup?
I sincerely hope not a heartless person, otherwise my suspicions will be confirmed. Ha. Ha.



i guess...
i feel a bit angry?
i don't know...
Because when i ask myself what i feel,
it's like a big black void.
There's nothing.
And anything that appears is just swallowed up by the darkness.



I'm not gonna lie, i kinda like that.
Because it protects me.




I said that he didn't understand how i felt,
and why i liked the darkness.
And that's true.
Not even i completely understand.

The emotional part of me
is actually laughing right now.
It's a bitter laugh, but it's still a laugh.
It's going:
What the fuck? You just fucking broke up with me, and yet you're still going on about how you promised me a panda? haha... what the hell. Think before you say things. How do you think i feel right now? i don't even want it anymore. I don't want this anymore. I don't want anything to do with you anymore.



But...



That's not true.
Well, MOST of it isn't true.

A part of me doesn't want the gift, yet at the same time, i feel that it would be wrong to not accept it. Why? i don't have a fucking clue. I don't know what i'll end up doing. It's just going to be a physical symbol of hurt anyways. But it'll probably hurt me even more if i don't take it. What a dilemma.

When i said i didn't want anything to do with him anymore...
i guess that's...kinda true? kinda not true?
It's kinda true... because it would be easier for me to just completely cut him out of my life. It would hurt less, it would be easier, and it would be a clean cut.
It's kinda not true... because i know that's wrong and because i said i would be friends. Or at least try. I don't remember because i'm so fucking dead right now.



Either way... it doesn't really matter. Because i have a feeling in the end, we're just going to disappear from each other's lives anyways.


So... even though i'm a terrible person for saying this... i guess that's some sort of a consolation.




I don't know.
It would be so much easier to disappear right now.



Want to see some magic?
Close your eyes,
because when you open them, the present me will be gone,
and the me of the past will be back again.