Things Fall Apart.

No. Not the novel. But the title of Achebe's novel really does describe how i feel.

Things are falling apart.
Bit by bit,
pieces are drifting away
until all that's left is the scared little girl quivering underneath her shell.

I don't want to come out of this wall i've built.
But lately, stress has been getting to me and i've found that little by little,
i'm slowly revealing more of who i really am.

and i don't want to.

It's true. I dislike people in general.
Is that really a problem?
Why is it people always ask me
"Whats wrong?"
when i'm just being me?
and yet when i put up a fake smile
and lie to the world
no one bothers to look past it and ask me genuinely why i'm sad.

I need my alone time more than anything.
That's when i sort out my thoughts and feelings and prepare myself for another day.
I haven't had that time for a while now.
and i'm slowly falling apart.
I don't have the energy to keep trying to put up a facade so that people don't worry.
The only reason i do it is because this is how you guys are used to me
and if i suddenly drop it,
it'll hurt everyone.
Not because they don't like me for me,
but because they will blame themselves for not seeing past it all.

I don't think i could do that to everyone.
Because you guys mean more to me than the world.

When i was alone,
you guys were there.
When i cried,
you guys were there.
When no one else cared,
you guys cared more than everyone i knew combined.

I really hate talking about my emotions to my family
and i have no vent other than at school.
but i can't vent to you guys all the time,
otherwise you'd just get fed up with all my shit.
But that's the truth i guess...
there's just so much that i keep in
because i can't say it out loud.

I can't even begin to describe just how much my friends mean to me.
And yet, when they're sad, i don't do anything about it.
I know that everything is just a lie.
You guys aren't really as happy as you look or act.
I know that you're depressed.
But i just don't know how to approach you.
I want to help.
I really really do.
But what can i do?
All i'm doing now is trying to stay by your sides and make sure that you know i'm here if you need me.
But is that really enough?

Things aren't falling apart for only me.
It's crunch time for everyone else too.

Why should i expect people to care for me,
when in reality,
it seems like i don't care for them?

I hoping that this will all blow over soon.
Because God knows,

There's only so much one can take before falling.