Random.

I hate it when friendships are easily broken.

If your friendship suddenly crumbles just because of one small obstacle, you were never friends to begin with.
Don't judge other people. Just because you don't like them on first glance doesn't mean you shouldn't give them a chance. Even though this is so hypocritical coming from me, it's still the right thing to do.

You said you were friends for 5 years, yet suddenly over 2 months, you don't even talk to each other or hang with each other. Just because one more person has entered the picture.

If you're friends with someone, you'll accept who they are; and that includes the people they choose to surround themselves with.

I've noticed that a lot of my friends are actually enemies.
Just my luck. Most of the first i've made either don't like another friend of mine or they dislike all of my friends.
That only makes it harder for me because then i have to divide my time between groups of friends.

It's like turning on a switch.
My personality suddenly changes just like that.

It's gone on for so long that i don't even remember what my original personality (around other people) was like anymore.

Did i used to be outgoing?
did i used to be nice?

Am i still those things?
Maybe i am, maybe i'm not.

I honestly don't know what people think of me.
I've tried so hard to convince myself that i don't care what other people think, but the truth is i do.

I don't let it get to me as much as i did when i was younger because i've realized that taking everything to heart and caring about other people's opinions will only make you depressed and i'm never going back to that time when all i could think about was 'okay, lets just get through the day without breaking down and attempting suicide and then it'll all be okay'.

I really wish i knew what others think of me, but the thing is, everyone always tells me the same thing: 'smart... strong... asian...'

That's not answering my question.
Why??
why do i seem that way? is there something about me?
Don't say 'you just have that aura/presence'.
Because that doesn't tell me anything.

Everyone tells me the same thing.
I can't help but think that you guys are lying when you say it, because you have this hesitation.

Maybe you just don't know me.
I'm not surprised, i didn't let you in to begin with.
But are you that unfamiliar with me that you have to resort to generalizations that you hear from other goddamn people?

I'm not smart. I never was, and never will be.
Sure i don't study, but that doesn't mean i'm a freaking genius.
I hate it when people expect me to be smart. Does it look like i'm Einstein?
I want to find an honest mirror. Someone who can tell me or show me who i really am.

The only reason i know who i am now is because of my self analyzing.
I wish i didn't have to do that, but unfortunately for me, if i don't play psychiatrist for myself, i'll eventually go off the deep end.

I've always wondered if my 'friends' really are my friends.
I consider them my friends, but what do they think of me?
i'll be honest.
Sometimes when i'm around my 'friends' i think to myself: 'my god, will you just leave already?'

Yes, that's right.
There are times when i just want to be with certain people.
but i don't say that.
instead i smile, put up and shut up.
I'm getting fucking tired of doing that.

But then again, it's not like i can do anything about it.
I am because i choose to be (recognize that motto anyone? if you can tell me who's family motto it is, i'll love you forever even though i don't really know how to love someone).

I used to want to cry and scream when i was upset.
I remember screaming into my pillow and crying for hours and then going to shower just so that my family wouldn't know i was crying.

My god.
I've long gone past that point.
I don't even feel like screaming or crying anymore because it's not worth a fuck.
It won't matter how much i cry, or how much i scream, no one's going to hear it anyways and even if they did, no one's going to help me because they don't know how.

I'm pretty sure they WANT to help me, but it's just they don't know how to make it better.

I know after reading all of that, that you probably think i'm a hypocrite.
I am.
But at the same time, i'm not.
Because i'm not writing this because i am depressed and wallow in self pity and because i refuse to let people help me.
I'm writing this because i've accepted it, i can live with it, and because no one in this world CAN help me even if they wanted to.

Everything i write here is with apathy.
I don't hurt from it anymore.
I've gotten used to the dull throbbing.

I'm writing this as a record of a person who wishes she could feel happiness again.

There was a brief moment that i thought myself as a psychopath, but then i realize that couldn't be true.
Psychopaths don't feel ANY emotion at all, even though they can understand it.
I still feel emotions.
I can feel sympathy, sorrow, and anger.
But not much other than that.
My feelings have been permanently dulled.

In a way i kind of like it...
because there are some moments where i don't feel anything at all, and i can actually appreciate that.
I can appreciate those few moments where everything is just so... calm.

Have i ever mentioned how much i love swimming in still water?
i love the look of the water...
how the crests rise and fall with every tiny movement.
it makes me feel as though i am gliding.

anyways, that's another topic for another blog.
For now though i must go back to homework, the very bane of my existence.