Phobia.

What is it that we fear?

Different people have different phobias. Some may fear spiders, some fear snakes, and some may even fear water, but regardless of what it is that we fear, the feeling of being terrified is something that everyone in this world knows.

Today when i was out to dinner with my parents, i realized what it was that I truly feared.

There was a news article in a chinese magazine (actually, it was in pretty much almost every chinese magazine in the restaraunt) about some guy hijacking a bus in malaysia or something.

He was upset that he had lost his job and so he took a gun onto a tourist bus and demanded his job back. He actually wasn't really violent. But the story ends with almost everybody on that bus dead. On that bus was a family of 5, they were taking a vacation. Only 2 of them survived.

It wasn't the man who shot them. But instead, it was the police.
They were only the local police and did not know how to handle such extreme situations and when the man demanded his job back, they kept saying no.
Eventually, the guy shot one passenger. The negotiations kept going (if you can even call it negotiations, because the police simply kept saying 'no') and after a while, the police became frustrated.

Someone gave the order, and then they began open fire on the bus.

Shooting at random.

At innocent civilians.


Most of them died.



When my parents told me this i honestly felt like crying so badly.
The picture of the lady in that family of 5 who survived... she was so grief stricken.
If you could see pure agony, it would've been her expression.

In another magazine, they had simulated photos of how the bullet killed the passengers and where the bullet went through.
Underneath the pictures, they had the age of the person who was shot that way.
The youngest person was 14 years old.

I have never wanted to scream so much before in my life.

another person was 58 years old.

The 14 year old was shot twice, once through her left breast, and another time just underneath her right arm.
Another 29 year old lady was shot in the head.
One other passenger was shot in the head (both of them in the brain part).
One man was shot in such a way that the bullet passed through his head, and out his lower jaw.

The worst part about it?

The police had used an automatic.

The police had used a fucking automatic, shooting randomly at a bus full of innocent people.

Shit.


Does nothing matter in this world anymore?

Do lives not matter?
Are we humans so completely and utterly HEARTLESS as to KILL innocent people just because we are FRUSTRATED?
What ever happened to a conscience?
What ever happened to lives actually being worth something?

I was so sick after hearing this story i didn't even want to eat.
And considering this is me, that's quite a feat.

I felt like puking everything back up.
Those people didn't deserve to die.
They were a family. On holiday.

One of the girls that died was a visa student.
In other words an international exchange student.
She's dead now.
I have friends that are visa students.
Even imagining them in that situations makes me want to scream and cry until i don't feel anything anymore.

I'm not scared of dying, or pain, or sadness, or even being alone,

I'm scared of watching someone else get hurt.

I realized this when i saw the simulated pictures of how the people got shot.

When i first heard the story, i was sad.
But when i saw the pictures, i was sick and terrified.

I don't want to watch someone get hurt... or even HOW they got hurt.
Regardless whether i know the person or not...
just watching a person - someone who potentially has a family... a mother... a father, a sister, brother, daughter or son - being hurt makes me want to curl up into a ball and scream.

Even when my best friend got hit by a car 2 weeks ago...
In a way i'm glad i wasn't there, because i know that if i had seen it, i would probably never be in the same state of mind ever again.
yet at the same time, i wish i WAS there, so that i could've at least done something.


I'm truly and honestly really terrified at watching someone else get hurt... or worse, die.

I think... that if i were to see someone die right before my very eyes, i wouldn't even be as happy as i am on a daily basis.

I'd rather die myself than watch someone else die.

If i have the power to save someone, i want to save them.


I don't want anyone else to get hurt.

I don't want people to be sad.

If i can take the pain for them, i would gladly do so. If i can exchange my life for theirs, i'd gladly trade.



I just don't want to see anyone hurt.





I'm so scared. I really am.
I know this is probably an incredibly weird phobia but it really does scare me so much.
Even thinking about it makes me teary and want to curl up into a ball.


Heh.
Who would've guessed?

People fear actual, solid objects.



I fear seeing someone being hurt or killed.